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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

oy vey, ds1, the GF and the miscarriage

139 replies

Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:01

dd was looking through ds1 moby messages and found a msg from his gf saying it was a miscarriage. now whether or not this happened - dont know - can't approach him or dd will never forgive me

i'm fast coming to the point of asking to have a chat with her mother - who is nice - we've been out she's ok - and not telling about supposed miscarriage but telling her they are having sex and perhaps she needs to think about taking her little girl to doctors for some contraception - i hae talks with ds about using a condom - and buy them for him - its as much as i can do.

what do you lot think?

OP posts:
rickman · 30/04/2006 18:07

Blimey, how old is he?

Are you sure the message is actually about the girlfriend, could they have been discussing someone else?

Original poster
Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:17

hes 16 shes 15 - 16 in a couple of weeks.

it could be about someone else - but ds1 reacted badly to dd and told her he would break fer fingers if she told.

so am guessing its not.

OP posts:
cod · 30/04/2006 18:43

oh blimey

yes i agree btu also agree it may be about somone else.
larks

cod · 30/04/2006 18:44

or you thinkt hey are havign sex
betetr not to let on you know more than her

lockets · 30/04/2006 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:47

i'd rather fall foul of her than be a granny at 33

its a difficult situation though they worship my son - treat him better than i ever have done and he loves it. i like the parents more than the girl and think ds has fallen really lucky with a great family.

so wouldnt want to piss them off - but she really needs tog et over herself this girl and get on the fking pill

OP posts:
Original poster
Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:48

thats true lockets, i worry that she shouldnt have to go through this alone with out her mum. and just a useless fking boyfriend ( my ds) for support

OP posts:
cod · 30/04/2006 18:49

im sure he isnt! aah
lockets i catted you last night

lockets · 30/04/2006 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cod · 30/04/2006 18:54

no you haveant

you are a LIAR
Wink

cod · 30/04/2006 18:55

she dhave to fess up about phone
its a bi tlike me a nd mil

Rhubarb · 30/04/2006 18:58

Shit Custy - just seen this! Shit and damn!
Have a chat, tell him to be upfront, tell him you can help him. In fact, get them both together and tell them that you've seen the text and you need to know what is going on. You have a right to, this girl's health could be at risk, if she's miscarried she might need a scan to make sure it's all gone.

You really really need to speak to them both. Condoms can break, so if they've been using condoms they are not 100%. Do they know when to put a condom on? Do they know how easy it is to get pregnant? Sounds like they both need a bit of a chat about sex and health and other issues. She needs to go on the pill.

I wouldn't tell her parents, that is up to her.

lockets · 30/04/2006 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lockets · 30/04/2006 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb · 30/04/2006 19:04

You on MSN mate?

quanglewangle · 01/05/2006 00:02

Could it just be a late period combined with a bit of bravado? Never been this late before, must have been pregnant, type of thing?

edam · 01/05/2006 00:04

Agree with quangle, teenagers do like to turn everything into a drama.

JanH · 01/05/2006 00:17

Our health centre has a weekly clinic for teenagers - under-16s can get the pill there, also condoms, parents not informed.

Is there one of these where you are, custy? If so they should know about it anyway and may have dismissed it, but in case they don't know, is there anybody outside the family you could get to have a quiet word with DS1 and let him know that the GF could go there and get the pill and condoms and nobody else need know about it? They really do need to be using both.

Or is there any way DD could relay the information without letting on that you know about all this - she could say she'd had a talk at school or something?

NotQuiteCockney · 01/05/2006 07:09

It is possible it's a late period combined with bravado. It's also possible that they got worried despite taking good precautions. I'm probably being overly optimistic here, though, as I was having sex as 15, and went on the pill first, a month before having intercourse. I think I may have been an overly cautious teenager though.

Still, another friend who did the same thing, pill before sex, explained to her boyfriend that the pills for the week off were just sugar pills. So they became concerned that she wasn't protected. So they used a condom, to have sex, in that period. The condom broke. Cue a great deal of anxiety and me needing to calm them down loads and explain how the pill worked.

More usefully, how good is your DS's sex ed knowledge? Do you know any young/teenage parents? Does he have any adult friends who can coincidentally have a word with him on the whole subject (an uncle, a family friend)? (I went on the pill because my boyf asked his much older brothers about condoms, and they said, "get her to go on the pill".)

Unless you really trust the girl's parents to handle it delicately, going directly to her mum might be an error. Not as big an error as being a gran at 33, though.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 01/05/2006 08:27

Custy - I would give her a ring - as you say don't mention the text, just that you think (know!) they are having sex and has her daughter organised some sort of contraception. I'd rather have that call than the other possibilites.

I did ask my son outright and he said his gf was on the pill and they used condoms too. He must have been listening at some point then!

bogwobbit · 01/05/2006 09:06

I think that I would have a chat with the girls mum. I wouldn't mention the miscarriage or even say that I know they're having sex (she might feel hurt that you know what her daughters doing and she doesn't) but just that you suspect they might be and you're very concerned about the possible consequences. If she's as nice and reasonable as she seems to be, hopefully she will take the hint and have a word with her daughter. It might be embarassing but, hey, hopefully it'll be a heck of a lot better than being a gran at 33 Shock.
That's what I would do but since I have an amazing propensity for doing the wrong thing wrt my own teenagers (or so they regularly tell me Wink) I could well be wrong.
Good luck whatever you do.

Blandmum · 01/05/2006 09:13

Oh bollocks!

Can you not have a chat with your dd about the need to be causefull at dinner when your ds is there. The risks of retained fragments of mc, need to see a doc etc etc. Get her on site with a briefing first and then give her the 'motherly' info

Original poster
Tortington · 01/05/2006 15:03

thanks everyone, sorry i didn't get back - i went out last night and got shit faced.

in my shitfacedness i had a chat with dh who said that i need to sit them both down and have a chat - not to speak to the mum.

i think it really is a missed period and bravado.

think i need to go to my doctors and ask what agencies are available where she can get the pill without going to her doctors.

thing that frightens me is that - shes got no direction for her future - she's not aiming for anything shes going on some hairdressing course and i get the impression that she is waiting for life to happen to her.

ds has been at ehr house all BH weekend. so the mum will be pissed fo with them and they will be round here next week.

am off to research family planning in our town.

OP posts:
WWWontSlagOffAnyone · 01/05/2006 15:17

Custardo, I wouldn't go to the mum either, it's not your place imo and would potentally alienate ds and his gf. I was having sex when I was this age and my dad knew so said to my boyfriend and I 'look, I know you're having sex and that's fine but I don't want you to get pregnant so come on, let's put you on the pill.' Off to the Brook we went and so I wasn't a mother at 15. The Brook Advisory Centres still exist afaik and are excellent at giving advice and contraception. They won't report it if she's under age afaik - they are big on teenagers and confidentiality. so I think you could get ds and gf together and say 'look, I'm not stupid, I KNOW you're having sex (they won't ask how you know, they'll believe you, won't know you're bluffing) and I don't want to be a grandmother so here's the number of the Brook and I suggest you both go and sort out some contraception.' Good luck.

WWWontSlagOffAnyone · 01/05/2006 15:18

\link{http://www.brook.org.uk/content/\here you go, they exist to help young people}

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