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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

oy vey, ds1, the GF and the miscarriage

139 replies

Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:01

dd was looking through ds1 moby messages and found a msg from his gf saying it was a miscarriage. now whether or not this happened - dont know - can't approach him or dd will never forgive me

i'm fast coming to the point of asking to have a chat with her mother - who is nice - we've been out she's ok - and not telling about supposed miscarriage but telling her they are having sex and perhaps she needs to think about taking her little girl to doctors for some contraception - i hae talks with ds about using a condom - and buy them for him - its as much as i can do.

what do you lot think?

OP posts:
LilacHamster · 04/05/2006 11:52

Being approachable and being permissive are two different things. It is possible to be an approachable and reasonable person while still retaining moral standards and not colluding with kids breaking the law. Parents have to show who's the boss sometimes, and I think in the case of something as serious as underage sex, it's perfectly reasonable to simply not allow it!

sobernow · 04/05/2006 11:52

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elliott · 04/05/2006 11:53

how, exactly?

sobernow · 04/05/2006 11:54

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shimmy21 · 04/05/2006 11:56

I agree in way that it is reasonable not to 'allow' underage sex but I think in practice it is absolutely impossible to regulate this rule. How on earth do you propose to stop them? Surely you don't think that just saying 'no' is enough?

sobernow · 04/05/2006 11:56

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shimmy21 · 04/05/2006 12:01

Do you remember one of the child of our time programmes? They set up an experiment leaving the preschool kids in a room with a chocolate cake to se if they would lie about tasting it. Some lied, some didn't, but my point was that every single darned kid (including the god fearing christian) ate some of the cake despite being told not to.

Custardo's ds is that preschooler (teenagers' brains work like in a very similar way to preschoolers )and his gf is the chocolate cake. Saying don't means he will lie. It does not mean he will leave the cake alone!

sobernow · 04/05/2006 12:04

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oliveoil · 04/05/2006 12:05

I agree with Sobernow and Eefs.

I would be hurt and disappointed that my dd hadn't felt able to talk to me but glad that she had someone to talk to.

BUT, from what I remember reading Jackie (!) in about 1932, a lot of teenagers find it easier to discuss sex with a teacher or a friend's parent rather than there own, so it isn't necessarily that they can't discuss things with their parent, just that they feel uncomfortable doing so.

I think custy has dealt with this v well, as she says, it's a fine line.

My dad is religious and banned sex before marriage so obviously I abided by this 100%......

oliveoil · 04/05/2006 12:06

their (shame)

sobernow · 04/05/2006 12:10

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oliveoil · 04/05/2006 12:12
zippitippitoes · 04/05/2006 12:12

I really don't know how it works with teenagers/sex/contraception/pregnancy...much the same as with adults in steady relationships I think

Both my dds were encouraged to talk to me and did talk to me about their friends and both went on the pill..but dd2 still managed to not take it at the crucial time and then not tell that she was pregnant until she was 24 weeks..a bit older than 15 thank goodness she had dgs just after her 19 th birthday..she really doesn't know why she got herself in that position

She knew about contraception, had been on the pill and had had friends who became pregnant .. so not a case of ignorance

It's not something that any parent can prevent but you can try like custy has/is

Enid · 04/05/2006 13:00

I agree with eefs and sobernow

Heathcliffscathy · 04/05/2006 13:03

hello enid :) congratulations... (sorry custardo)

Rhubarb · 04/05/2006 13:43

I think Custy has done very well. As someone pointed out, their 15yo dd is going out with a 16yo lad, she sleeps over at their house, etc etc, they are either burying their head in the sand or are not bothered what their children get up to.
It is not Custy's job to take over the role of sex educator for their dd, they should be doing that, but they are not. I mean, she's going out with a 16yo and they haven't even spoken to her about sex?????? Irresponsible! I think they are very lucky that their dd is going out with Custy's ds, if it was anyone else the story might be very different!

Original poster
Tortington · 04/05/2006 14:28

oooh a veritable debate whilst i have been beavering away ( pardon the pun ha haa haa - tickled miself there)

lilachamster - excellent name BTW - completely understand your POV. and thank you for your input.

i am the boss in my house what says goes and if you dont like it.... hard shit.

i have more than excellent communication with ds - and i think its one of my proudest parenting achievements actually. so am loath to spoil it.

i think communication with my kids is key.

i did say to him that even though i was buying condoms - do NOT MISTAKE this as me condoning their behaviour. i reminded him that i wasn't stupid, i wasn't ignoring the fact they were having sex.

but there was a presumption that - becuase i knew and did not ban them from seeing each other shakespeare stylee - that i was condoning their sexual activity.

i did point out that i was not condoming their sexual activity.

if your still following me........ ofcourse ths is rather a mixed message says the mother who buys the condoms and gives them to her ds.

so it kinda went " i buy you condoms i know your fucking - do it safely.....this doesn't mean i agree with what you are doing. make no mistake i do not"

i particularly dislike the idea of them fucking in my house and have said so.

however my dissaproval of their sexual activity is not going to stop them
" oh no xxx, we can't possibly have sex now we have aroused each other by neckng for and hour and giving love bites to each other right left and centre ............becuase your mother wouldnt like it"

ha haaa haa haaha

yeah right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tortington · 04/05/2006 14:29

sorry thats meant to read that i ooze an atmosphere of " if you dont like it hard shit"

it wasnt meant as a hurtful phrase to any mnetter. it was meant as a - the spirit of the household is that i am boss.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 04/05/2006 14:53

I wouldn't argue

eefs · 04/05/2006 15:09

"i think communication with my kids is key. "
I like that. Think it should be my parenting motto - I never spoke to my mum about stuff, no reason and I know now she found it very upsetting as I always seemed so distant apparently. I still would never talk about sex shudder or relationships with her, and she was a perfectly lovely mother who did a great job with me and my 5 siblings. Will try for better communication with my boys.

WWWontSlagOffAnyone · 04/05/2006 20:59

Batters, I know you're a lovely caring mum and I'm sure your dd would come to you were anything like this situation to arise with her but I was in a similar situation at 15yo and asked my boyfriend's mum for advice as well as my dad.

If either of them had gone to my mum she'd have gone mad and kicked me out of home. I'm not joking: once I was 16 I admitted to staying with a boyfriend overnight and she told me if I ever did it again (in an I Dare You voice) she'd throw me out. So when I got home the following day, having accepted the dare, of course, everything I owned (not much) was on the drive in black bin liners. So I ended up moving in with this boyfriend when I didn't really want to. I lived with him for quite a while. Because my dad and boyfriend's mum had helped me, I was using contraception and therefore didn't end up pregnant. But my mum's attitudes were all wrong and people wouldn't necessarily have known that from the outside. Because of my own experiences I think Custy's doing the right thing respecting the girlfriend's confidence. (I hope you don't mind my posting this, I can see your pov, totally, I'd hope my dd talked to me too).

ScummyMummy · 04/05/2006 22:01

I think the custard done good, as usual.:) I see what you're driving at though batters. But I never discussed sex in a personal way with either of my parents (or indeed any adult) as a teenager. I didn't want to know about their sex life or want them to know about mine- which was pretty tame till my later teens in any case. Didn't mind chatting to them abstractly about contraception but that was it. If my mum tried to delve (and later my dad- horrors!) I would back away mortified with embarrassment. If another adult had spoken to them about my sex life I would have died of embarrassment and we would have had the mother of all arguments I reckon. I suspect the teens are the time when the African saying "It takes a village to raise a child" comes into its own more than at any other point and it just may not be us that our kids turn to for advice about sex, no matter how much we encourage it and want to know what they're up to and ensure they're ok. Just have to hope that if they turn to someone it's someone worthy of their trust, I guess. Scary!

edam · 04/05/2006 22:22

Wow, Custy, you rock. Think I might save this too as a guideline for years to come...

As a gruesome warning, my then 18yo sister was staying at my house once and we had a dinner party. I was stunned the following morning when I bumped into her coming back from the bathroom and she told me to shush because there was someone in her room. Shock

Stupidly, had not occurred to me that dh inviting a friend/colleague who happened to be a lot younger than us (21) to a blasted dinner party would end up in the pair of them shagging in our house.

She didn't breathe a word to me, but told our other sister, that they hadn't used any protection. Thing is, she'd always talked to us big sisters about contraception and stuff she wasn't comfortable talking to her mother about (my step-mother). Suddenly I realised how parents of teenagers might feel when they discover their child no longer confides in them and has been Up To No Good...

quanglewangle · 04/05/2006 23:21

I have been following this thread avidly as there is a parallel situation going on in our house and we have followed the same way of dealing with it - supplying condoms whilst not condoning sex, finding out if he is allowed in her room at her house etc. etc. etc.
I agree with everything custy has done and it has given me courage to talk to my ds, though I haven't got around to the gf yet.
I wouldn't talk to the gf's parents because it would be an abuse of confidence, but also you could be landing your son in the shit if gf's outraged parents decided to pursue the statutory rape.

So thanks custy, I might still be avoiding the issue if it wasn't for this thread. Agree entirely about bringing things up casually rather than sitting down formally, you get a much better dialog that way. ds prefers to talk to me than his dad, who according to ds has become very pompous in his old age and 'does his head in'.

Original poster
Tortington · 04/05/2006 23:25

my dh keeps out of it as well - but he's sometimes in the room - washing up or something - he chips in occasionally - like - she said to me "i dont know how to go aabout getting the implant"
dh piped up " oh lise can help you wi' that cant ya"
" err yes " says i!

another tip - if if helps anyone - i found keeping the radio off in the car forces a silence that teenagers hate - i mean its ....silence so you end up having a conversation and finding out stuff they wouldnt tell you if you had the music on!

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