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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

oy vey, ds1, the GF and the miscarriage

139 replies

Tortington · 30/04/2006 18:01

dd was looking through ds1 moby messages and found a msg from his gf saying it was a miscarriage. now whether or not this happened - dont know - can't approach him or dd will never forgive me

i'm fast coming to the point of asking to have a chat with her mother - who is nice - we've been out she's ok - and not telling about supposed miscarriage but telling her they are having sex and perhaps she needs to think about taking her little girl to doctors for some contraception - i hae talks with ds about using a condom - and buy them for him - its as much as i can do.

what do you lot think?

OP posts:
alexsmum · 02/05/2006 23:34

custardo -i have got sons and this is terrifying me!i think you are being very sensible tackling it - i just can't get over her attitude-too embarrassed to deal with contraception! if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to take responsibility without shame.

Original poster
Tortington · 02/05/2006 23:43

alexmum - i said EXACTLY that today to my ds. whilst we were having a chat as i was loading the washing machine.

tip: i find it best not to do the sit down thing - its formal and uncomfortable - so something else at the same time like wash the pots or do the washing. its like an every day part of things then. and not seperate

ofcourse you wuld be mad to take a tip from me ...read the thread !

OP posts:
alexsmum · 02/05/2006 23:47

they're only 6 and 2 now so thankfully won't have to deal with it for a few years yet!!!

quanglewangle · 03/05/2006 00:00

It is hard for teenagers. There was plenty of promiscuity when I was a teenager, but it was much easier to say 'no'. You could still (just about) get away with the excuse of not believing in sex before marriage. It was a very useful excuse whether you believed it or not - and most of us didn't, or not for long anyway. You can't say that these days without being a complete misfit.

Rhubarb · 03/05/2006 13:43

Would they fit a 15yo with an implant I wonder? And how would you know that she has gone through with it? Why an implant and not the pill?

Hate to muddy the waters Custy, but if she's going for an implant then her mum or someone should accompany her. I think it's time you had a quiet word with her mum tbh.

alexsmum · 03/05/2006 14:02

got to say i think the implant better for a teenager than the pill.she's only got to forget the pill a couple of days and bang goes her protection.

Original poster
Tortington · 04/05/2006 10:12

well you can feel the implant just under the skin and her firend has had it done - so tey do it them.

oh -- got to tell you this update well, ( are you sitting comfortably?)

so was cooking tea yesterday - she was here, she was upstairs and ds was in kitchen when i mentioned it well it turned into a holy hooo haa, he started crying and shouting " i may as wel finish with her"
i kept reasonably calm and just doing the broken record technique
i want a date for an appointment or i am telling her mum
ds-but mum shes waiting to go with her friend
me-i want a date for an appointment or i am telling her mum
ds- but shes embarrassed
me - same thng
ds - but shes waiting for her firend to go with her and her friends studying for exams she wants to go to law school

me ( losing plot steadily) i dont give a shit i want a date for an appointment or i am telling her mum

this went on - he blubbed like a 3 year old stormed out of the house

she came downstairs asked where he was - i told her he stormed out
she said " is this about the implant"

we talked about it, she was more than cool about the whole thing, told her that there was a youth contracetion advice drop in on friday and i could take her and joe
i could go in with her if she wanted - or stay in the car

not sure they do implants - but they would advise you what to do to get one
they do condoms though - so go get some - save me money

she said she cant talk to her mum - her mum never said anything to her sister either (her sister is 20) she can talk to me she says ( fine) she said her sister talks to her about stuff
i said iwas glad she had someone to talk to at home

i mentioned somewhere in there about not wanting them lubered with a baby at 16 - am not going to stop them having sex - that wold be pot calling kettle - but they dont have to follow in my footsteps and be skint. they should enjoy their youth i said " go to ibiza and have a fuckfest for 3 weeks without worrying - be as debauched as you like - i dont care....

ds comes back - sulks for 20 mins - she goes talks to him he comesdownstairs - gives me a kiss.

all sorted
friday
5.00pm

OP posts:
bundle · 04/05/2006 10:14

woo hoo Grin

Carmenere · 04/05/2006 10:16

Your a smart lady Smile well done

Enid · 04/05/2006 10:17
bundle · 04/05/2006 10:18

NICE guidelines on prescribing of \link{http://www.nice.org.uk/pdf/cg030quickrefguide.pdf\LARCs}(long acting reversible contraceptives) - many GPs are being encouraged to offer them as they are an effective way of reducing unwanted pregnancies. clever you!

SaintGeorge · 04/05/2006 10:24

Well done custardo.

DS1 is only 8 but I am saving this thread in Word so that I have it to fall back on when the dreaded teenager/gf/sex subject comes around.

batters · 04/05/2006 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tortington · 04/05/2006 10:31

your right batters your right. i too would be mortified if my daughter was in the same situation.

its a very fine line to tread with teenagers - once you have misplaced their trust - you've blown it.

i want the channels of communication to be as open as possible with me - i want them to feel free to tellme stuff.

however - her family are special people - they are good good people. they treat my son like aprince they are truly wonderful, they have invited us out - we have been out socially with them - i know that this is going to come out and i am not going to be thanked for it

however if i go over have a chat and the mum has a meltdown - forbids son to see girlfriend and it all goes tits up- i will have ruined relationship with my son

and to be honest -it is MY son i am thinking of throughout all of this.

i am seriously comsidering your suggestion though

seriously - i have the morning off work - and no dh to give me balanced advice - might give her a ring and go over

OP posts:
fairyjay · 04/05/2006 10:39

Then surely Batters you make sure that all routes of contact stay open with your dd - easier said than done, I know!

I would want to know if it was my dd also, but I have said to her (she's only 13) that if she needed to talk to someone apart from me when she's older, go to a friend of mine whose judgement I trust (and is a GP!).

I suppose time will tell!

shimmy21 · 04/05/2006 10:42

Hello custardo i just hope I deal with my boys as well as you are dealing with yours when they are gruesome teenagers.
As for telling gf's mum though, I do understand why you feel you should But you seem to have won gf's confidence now (and have said an appointment time OR I tell). Wouldn't going behind their backs to her mum be a bit of a betrayal in their eyes? (I'm not saying it would be wrong but just wondering the consequences here). Instead of telling gf's mum yourself, couldn't you put a bit of moral pressure on gf to tell her own mum once she's got fixed up?

What an awful moral dilemma...

alexsmum · 04/05/2006 10:52

do they sleep in the same room at her parents house? if so she must know what's going on-she must!
i wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend sleep in my room till i was about 21/22....and i married him!Blush

winnie · 04/05/2006 10:58

custy, well done you!

Agree with Batters about how I would feel if it was my dd BUT absolutely understand your situation re trust and ds and think it is not your responsibility to talk to the parents of ds's gf.

batters · 04/05/2006 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plug · 04/05/2006 11:23

Definitely wouldn't speak to gf's Mum - your ds will never trust you again.

LilacHamster · 04/05/2006 11:28

Does it never occur to people that taking underage kids for contraception is actually giving them permission to break the law??

No wonder so many kids are having underage sex, the permissive attitudes of many parents are partly to blame. They need firm boundaries and rules up to 16 at least, not help to carry on with this kind of unacceptable behaviour.

shimmy21 · 04/05/2006 11:34

On the contrary Lilach. repeated studies show that it is the teenagers who CAN talk openly to their parents about sex who start sexual activity later and are less likely to get pg. Those with parents who lay down a strict moral line which makes sex a taboo subject seem to the ones who more frequently end up with problems

shimmy21 · 04/05/2006 11:37

And fwiw do you really think that if Custardo said to her ds 'You are forbidden to have sex with that girl' he would take the blindest bit of notice?? He's a teenager and she is doing the very very best she can in tricky circumstances. If only more teenagers in this country had parents as sensible as her. Angry

batters · 04/05/2006 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eefs · 04/05/2006 11:42

I wouldn't speak to the GF's mum. With a 15 yr old daughter who has a steady boyfrind who stays over sometimes - what does she think they are doing - playing cards? She must be sticking her head in the sand over this.
Yes, I would be hurt if this happened to my daughter without my knowledge, but I would prefer my daughter had someone responsible to talk to. You can encourage her to talk to her mum, but I don't think you should go behind her back, especiannly when your DS and his GF both really appreciate your no-shit, minimum embarrassment approach.