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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:

Grimmfebruary · 29/08/2017 22:01

As someone who has a 'bonus child' and has had for the past 6 years, stop being petty about him getting everything 'twice over', suck it up and take ALL your children on holiday.

CalendulaAndRoses · 29/08/2017 22:04

if your step son gets along with everyone and you can afford it I think it would be great to take him again - he can bond with your DH's other children (your sons) and you in a relaxed environment. I think it is great his dad wants him to come along. I do get that it is more expensive in term time but sounds like you can probably afford it and then no-one (including your sons) misses out

newjobblewobble · 29/08/2017 22:09

Your children are 4 and 20 months and have years of family holidays ahead. Your DS will likely only want to come for another 3 years max. His dad is right to want to take him while he has the chance.

Original poster

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 22:11

He does & doesn't get on with everyone of that makes sense, he's a typical teen & has mood swings etc but all in all is a lovely boy. When we went away previously he says he couldn't wait to go home & chill because we asked him to carry something to the beach. He didn't seem to enjoy himself year before but like I say it was mood swings from being typical teen boy so this year could be completely different.

OP posts:

imokit · 29/08/2017 22:13

Because your step son will see dad going on holiday with his new family and feel rejected. It doesn't matter that he gets a holiday with his mum instead, it will still feel like a rejection.
Plus maybe your DH likes his kid and doesn't want to go away and have fun without him.
Your DSS may get an extra holiday or extra birthday celebrations but he misses out on far more than your kids. He's going between parents, has to negotiate step parents and has multiple homes instead of one place of safety.
Your kids get to live with and see mummy and daddy everyday. They are gaining far more than missing out.
Also for family coherency purposes they should see DSS as their brother and going on a family without him is not a proper family holiday. Its sending the wrong message to them.

lesmcqueen · 29/08/2017 22:15

How did your stepson feel about his mum et al going away without him?

GreenTulips · 29/08/2017 22:17

Leave all the searching and booking to your DH to sort

They just rock up with your case packed

They really don't understand how expensive etc holidays can be.

I can see both sides his mum took her two and not him - no doubt DSS was hurt by this and maybe he's mentioned it to your DH - did she book after you did? So he didn't get to tag along?

I think you should take him, sometimes you can cut it fine towards the end of the summer and even missing 1/2 days of school reduces the price hugely

Piratesandpants · 29/08/2017 22:18

Your DH obviously takes his responsibility of being a parent seriously and won't compromise and treat any of his children differently - good for him.

BrainSaysNo · 29/08/2017 22:19

I am glad to see your DH has laid out the boundaries he has.
Additionally I think you maybe need to try and look at things from a different mindset, not just what your stepson has double of but what he may have half of.

RandomMess · 29/08/2017 22:21

That is quite a big age gap!! I would be asking stepson if he'd rather do a family holiday with the 5 of you & what the holiday would consist off or would he rather do a long weekend or week away somewhere else with just his Dad?

Either way is a compromise for you - your DH would use up to a week of his leave just with his son but I would see it as a good bonding time for them.

Do you think that would work better and be overall less expensive and more satisfying?

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2017 22:24

Your DC aren't "missing out", though, are they?

I think it was possibly a bit crap of his mum to go with her other DC without him.

But, as PP has said, it's a big age gap and he's a teen - what does HE want? I bet he'd prefer a boys weekend away with your DH than a beach holiday with preschoolers.

Crumbs1 · 29/08/2017 22:28

Take the lad. Make him feel wanted and part of the family. It isn't too difficult to find somewhere with baby paddling pool and teen sea kayaking, surely?

Original poster

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 22:34

It is a big gap, that's the issue really not him getting things twice over I didn't really explain myself well. It's hard to accommodate for everyone. I have explained to my husband he should ask his opinion not just do what he expects he wants but he's adamant he wants a family holiday. I'm abit more realistic & know he doesn't want to be stuck in a splash pool with his baby brothers & sitting in a mini disco when he could be with his friends. I'm also aware he's going through puberty & possibly won't want to be living in a small space with his dad, step mum & younger bros for a week if he's feeling abit uncomfortable & self Conscious

OP posts:

Original poster

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 22:36

He's not adventurous or would take part in any activity or make friends. Last time we went we went to a water park hotel for him & he didn't go on anything/do anything like kayaking/ paragliding etc.

OP posts:

NC4now · 29/08/2017 22:36

It's a bit shit having parents who are separated. Getting two birthdays, Christmases and summer holidays is the trade off. There aren't many perks.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/08/2017 22:41

Your DH is right.

He has 3 children. He shouldn't/can't just leave one behind because including him makes it more expensive. Would you leave one of your DC behind?

It sounds like you think your family is DH, and your two DSs, and your DSS is an optional extra.

Magda72 · 29/08/2017 22:52

Op you are not being selfish! For gods sake if this was a normal family no one would bat an eyelid if you suggested leaving a bored teen with friends/other family while you took small ones away. A good friend of mine & her dh regularly take their small two away & leave the older teens at home & no one gets upset.
Also - he survived his mum going on hols without him - no one's shrieking about that. No doubt it's hard on him having to go between parents but kids do get used to it.
Also - you are dead right about the age gap. My teens have very little interest in going away for a long holiday with their two much younger half siblings as they don't want to sit in the splash pool all day for two weeks either!
In my experience what your Dp should possibly think of doing this year is going on a cheap holiday with you guys in term time & then treating his ds to a boys long weekend away somewhere doing stuff they can't do when with the younger kids. I guarantee you your dss would really appreciate & enjoy this.
It's taken my exh a loooog time to get his head around the fact that what he needs to give our kids (20, 15 & 11) is very different to what his smallies (3 & 1 ) need & that the 5 of them can't all be expected to do the same thing all the time.

Your Dp needs to realise that while he has one family it is comprised of two families and sometimes space is needed, for the kids' sakes.

crunched · 29/08/2017 23:06

I see your DH as the good guy in this scenario - take on a partner with DC and they come as a package.
I am twelve years younger than my DSis and still adored family holidays with her when I was 4 or 5.

BrainSaysNo · 29/08/2017 23:15

A good friend of mine & her dh regularly take their small two away & leave the older teens at home & no one gets upset

This happened with me, my youngest sibling is over a decade younger, however I was given an option and choice.
It didn't just happen to me.
Sometimes I did choose to go, as bonding with my youngest sibling was important to me, even if that meant a day building sandcastles and an evening listening to some rubbish in a club house.

Magda72 · 29/08/2017 23:33

OP has said that dss has said he doesn't want to go.

Magda72 · 29/08/2017 23:39

My dcs LOVE their dssiblings but don't always want to do stuff geared towards toddlers & they really appreciate it when their dad sees this & does more grown up days/weekends/holidays with just them.

I just think ops Dp would benefit from bearing in mind he has a large gap between his kids.

BackieJerkhart · 29/08/2017 23:45

I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out

You need to stop thinking of what he gets from his mum. It's a separate issue from his father wanting to give him a holiday and enjoy him enjoying it IYSWIM. Holidays aren't just for the kids, they are for the parents and one of the things about holidays is that it's great to have your family together in a nice place where you can all chill. This man has 3 children, he wants his children with him on his family holiday. Your children are not missing out by their brother getting a separate holiday with his mother. (If that does happen, it may not)

BackieJerkhart · 29/08/2017 23:48

How would you feel if in 3 years your DH wanted to have a family holiday in term time and leave your (Now) 4 year old at home with grandparents because it's cheaper to have the holiday during time and he will be at school whereas the 13 year old and 20 month old won't be. (In 3 years)

BrainSaysNo · 30/08/2017 00:00

OP has said that dss has said he doesn't want to go
Not in the first post which is what I and many other posters were responding to, later it came up that he might not want to go.

Original poster

Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 00:05

But he wouldn't be with grandparents backie he would be with his mum, presumably on a holiday like he was with us last year when she took her 2 younger daughters away with her husband.

OP posts:

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