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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 07:16

Dad wants to take his son on a holiday he will not enjoy and will potentially ruin for everyone else. Alternatively he could go on holiday with his dad on his own. So he's not missing out he's still getting a holiday but one he might actually like. How many 14 year olds do you know that want to spend a week with tiny kids? Not many.

The dad isn't doing it for ds he's doing it for himself. It's not choosing between children st all it's coming yo with s more suitable solution for everyone. Having separate holidays so everyone enjoys themself or having one crap holiday where everyone ends up resenting each other.

Seems like a no brainer to me.

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 07:29

My 14 and 13 yo DSs come on holiday with us and their 10 yo sisters because we are a family. Why should they get a special holiday/treatment because they are teenagers?
Do all families with teenagers leave them out if the family holiday? Is this a thing now....or is it just teenage step children this rule applies to?

The dad isn't doing it for ds he's doing it for himself
Damn right.
I work hard all year to pay for our family holiday just like every parent. I do so because I want 1 or 2 weeks of quality time with my children.
Is the OP not just thinking of herself also?
She wants to go out of term time as its cheaper. She thinks its unfair ss gets 2 holidays.

What the OP should do is speak to DH about how he gives equal attention to all the DC on holiday not demand his son does not go because thats easier than talking to her husband.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 07:34

Op is thinking of what would be best for everyone I think.

A lot of people don't take their teenage children away. I would say it's fairly common yes. I personally don't see the point in taking a teen on a holiday they would hate just to satisfy my want to have all the children together for a week.

A 3 year age gap is a lot different isn't it.

Yes op should talk to her husband about him being basically a bit shit. But I still think she's right in saying she'd rather everyone do something they enjoy. Why wouldn't you.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2017 07:38

Curious as to why they aren't divorced op? They have been separated for 11 years and he now has a family with you.

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 07:38

HelloSquirrels Every time I see your username it's always in relation into how the step children are lucky to have two of everything and the poor resident children seem to be denied having sometimes e.g a holiday just by themselves without step child or half sibling present. You continually try to pick apart people's posts who are actually pretty relevant with the information they are saying having experienced it in particular theswingofit posts with no real input to challenge your arugement for going away without dss. Are you a step mother by any chance?

End of the day ops dh doesn't want to leave his DS he wants to holiday with all his children. Children of ops age will be happy with anything. I have a 9year old, 4 year old and 1year old, we manage just fine to accommodate all children's interests, I certainly wouldn't exclude dss simply because he hasn't a different dad and goes away with him and because his interests differ to the youngest two. This isnt a badly behaved teenager either he sounds shy maybe introverted, not every teenager is into big activities but should he be excluded for this basis...of course not. I still stand by that op should respect his choice to include his child she was aware of his existence when she got with him and I wonder how she would feel if the boot had been on the other foot.

Janeismymiddlename · 31/08/2017 07:38

I personally don't see the point in taking a teen on a holiday they would hate just to satisfy my want to have all the children together for a week

Except this teen hasn't been asked what he wants to do, has he? The OP just wants to o it him because it's not fair on her children (in her opinion) that he gets two holidays.

There is a difference between leaving a child at home following discussion and actively seeking to exclude a child.

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 07:40

A lot of people don't take their teenage children away. I would say it's fairly common yes.

Really?
I dont know anyone who has left an under 16 yo at home.

I personally don't see the point in taking a teen on a holiday they would hate just to satisfy my want to have all the children together for a week.

Have I missed a post where OP has said DSS has said he would hate to go and would rather stay at home?

Op is thinking of what would be best for everyone I think.

Cant see 1 post where OP is thinking of her SS or husband. I can only see posts stating it will be cheaper, he already gets a holiday and DH tends to focus alot of his attention on SS and not the younger 2.
Where in this thread is it obvious where OP is thinking of everyone?

NeverTwerkNaked · 31/08/2017 07:43

I have two step kids and two kids of my own. DP and I agreed very early in tht holidays would include all 4 children. This massively restrict the types of holiday we can afford but is really important to us as it means the children are all treated the same.

Really feel for your step son, first his mum thought it was ok to holiday without him and now his dad's family may do the same.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 07:46

how the step children are lucky to have two of everything and the poor resident children seem to be denied having sometimes e.g a holiday just by themselves without step child or half sibling present. You continually try to pick apart people's posts who are actually pretty relevant with the information they are saying having experienced it in particular theswingofit posts with no real input to challenge your arugement for going away without dss. Are you a step mother by any chance?

That's funny because I haven't said they're lucky to have two of everything... I said I was lucky my parents split up but then I should know shouldn't i?

I am replying - it's called a debate not picking apart. I didn't realise I was only allowed to reply if I agreed with everyone.

I am a step mother yes but my dss lives with us and so I don't face this problem as I am essentially the resident parent and I see more of him than anyone else does.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 07:48

cosmic ok then because you don't know anyone who's done it that must mean it doesn't happen.

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 07:50

cosmic ok then because you don't know anyone who's done it that must mean it doesn't happen.

And because you know a few that do does not make it common.

Whether its common or not does not matter. Whether other parents leave teens out of family holidays does not matter.

What does matter is the dad does not want to leave his son out. He wants a holiday with ALL of his children and I am at a loss to see why that is a bad thing Confused

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 07:59

I knew you were a sm by the way you posted due you exclude him from holidays?

Original poster
Loubella86 · 31/08/2017 07:59

I think you have missed a previous post swingofthings when I say we live close enough for him to Come & go between 2 houses which he does. He sees his dad when he likes. Also my husband didn't walk out, his ex partner had an affair so he didn't walk out like u suggested in your earlier post & he hasn't took on my children, they are our children together . If there wasn't such a age gap & he hadn't been miserable the previous year when we took them all there wouldn't be an issue. If he was 7/8 for example I wouldn't bat an eyelid, he's going to be 14.

Anyway thank you for all your advice, husband has agreed to ask HIM what he wants to do which for me I feel is the best option for him so he can do what he wants

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 08:04

The only time my brothers didn't go away on holiday with my parents were when they 16/17 years there's no way on earth they would have been left at 13. No parent wouldn't exclude their child at 13/14 from a family holiday that's the point op wants the opportunity to do so when the child will be at his mothers. If he was her child of course he would be invited, she certainly wouldn't be leave him with a family member whilst the rest of the family went off for a week in the sun that's the whole point if someone did this though people who judge why is it any different because your dc don't share the same mother?

swingofthings · 31/08/2017 08:12

Hellosquirrels, my reference to ‘normal’ life was to define life with your mum and dad, hence the brackets. I agree, not the best way to describe it, but not sure what other word to use for this.

Saying that a 5yo is not going to care about whether they go to France rather than the Seychelles is not saying that they are less important! It’s not like OP’s children don’t get to go on holiday at all (or every year it would seem), it means that OP can’t go where she would wish to go, maybe to a holiday more tailored towards her kids’ interest, outside of school holidays.

Arranging holidays that suits all is one thing. Saying that SS doesn’t need to come because they already get a holiday with their mum is just jealousy and irrelevant. OP’s husband is not stubborn at all, he has just made it clear that he wouldn’t be happy going on holiday without his eldest son. I do agree with you though about the suggestion of taking his eldest on a holiday of his own that would make him happy but OP talks about costs in her first post, which clearly this would likely to be more expensive overall and would still mean that SS gets two holidays whilst her children only gets one.

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 08:14

Anyway thank you for all your advice, husband has agreed to ask HIM what he wants to do which for me I feel is the best option for him so he can do what he wants

If SS does want to go will you talk to DH about doing a fair share of looking after his younger 2?

Also I hope your DH does not say "do you want to come on holiday this year" as this may lead ss to think he is not wanted.
"What would you like to do for holidays this year" might be better.

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 08:14

I also don't get the age gap thing either there's 8 and 5 years between me and my brothers (we share the same parents) and my parents accommodated us all so I think that arugement is flawed.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 31/08/2017 08:37

They aren't divorced bluntness because they were never married, ss was born when my dh was 21

In regards to age gaps under the moonlight there is also a large age gap between myself & my younger brother brother & we holidayed together but I think this generation is different to years ago when I did it due to kids seeming older etc

& like I have said previously I don't think it was terrible parenting that his mum went away whilst we took him on holiday the previous year. We were all away the same time so why is it any different to her being in a different country whilst her son was on holiday to being at home?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 31/08/2017 08:37

husband has agreed to ask HIM what he wants to do which for me I feel is the best option for him so he can do what he wants

Good outcome. I agree that your DH needs to offer options, not ask if he "wants" to come with you all.

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 08:43

Op my ex was 21 when we had DS it doesn't mean our relationship that we had at the time was less relevant because of age or the fact we weren't married. We still had a child and home together. After several years of being irresponsible my ex finally acceptable responsibility and that even though he was young at the time DS is a prime member of his family and as such is involved is all aspects of his life including holidays family events etc. That's likely how your dh feels.

swingofthings · 31/08/2017 11:44

Loubella I want talking about your husband walking it but your ex. If he was still present in their lives then they too would be going on more holidays.

Is this thread just coming down to asking SS what he would actually like to do?

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 12:03

I knew you were a sm by the way you posted due you exclude him from holidays?

by the way i posted? what is that supposed to mean?

No, because he lives with us full time and barely sees his mother, so i am not what you would expect me to do with him if he didn't go? However, if in future he doesn't want to come with us he could stay with grandparents and i'd be more than happy for DP to take him away on his own.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 31/08/2017 12:03

Think you have confused the thread swing I haven't got an ex, the younger children are our children & they have a half brother 9 years older. So if the younger 2 don't go on hols with us they don't go at all, that was my point

And yes he is being asked, which after taking on everyone's opinions on here is the right outcome.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 14:40

Hellosquirels ops dss hasn't been asked if he wanted to come until after op has posted. Op wasn't happy because she wanted to go away without him and her dh didn't agree his son should be excluded.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 15:44

I know.....