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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 30/08/2017 16:43

The hypocrisy on here is amazing!

The child's own mother goes on holiday with her new husband and their kids - but doesn't include her own son. Apparently that's just 'a bit crap' of her Hmm

The step-mum wants to do the same for at least one holiday and she gets flamed!

OP, just take your kids on your own/with friends if your dh won't compromise.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/08/2017 16:46

Well said Heebie

Underthemoonlight · 30/08/2017 16:52

Heebie I think the mother was disgraceful for excluding her son. I would never do that when DS is away with his father and versa a visa. Ops dh doesn't want to do want his ex does and by the sound of it doesn't agree with it. I think it's a case of respecting her dh feelings on the matter. If my dh suggested going away with the kids when DS was away at his father I wouldn't be with him

Janeismymiddlename · 30/08/2017 16:58

The child's own mother goes on holiday with her new husband and their kids - but doesn't include her own son. Apparently that's just 'a bit crap' of her

The OP and her partner can't control what mum does or doesn't do. The OP is not the only adult in the scenario she describes. Her partner does not want to exclude his other child when he goes on holiday. It beggars belief that this is somehow considered unreasonable of him.

All the other 'I wouldn't mind leaving my child behind' is utter bollox. Thismscenario is not the same as leaving your own child in a 'together' family situation. It is leaving out a child who is already - through no fault of his own - on the margins of the family anyway and is sending a very clear message to that child.

My children's father never takes them on holiday, despite his promises. They never say anything but you only have to look at their faces when they say 'dad's on holiday next week' to know it doesn't sit right for them, no matter how forgiving they may be (and they have way more patience with him than I would!). It sends a message about value, worth, the meaning of family.

That said, Imdon't think it would,be wrong to ask this young man whether or not he wants to come whilst offering a 'dad and son' weekend as an alternative on a different date. That's a good compromise.

Ttbb · 30/08/2017 17:05

He may get everything 'twice over' but his parents are divorced! Either he is family and goes on holiday too or not.

swingofthings · 30/08/2017 18:24

I don't like the attitude on here that everything should be focused on the step children and everyone else should fit around it whether they like it or not.
The focus in not on the SC, it's on the father, a father who wants to spend time with ALL his children, regardless of what children gets. As said already, he has children he gets to see every day, and a child he gets to see only EOW, so from his perspective, it's not equal anyway. It's only understandable that he wants to spend as much quality time with one than the others.

Why do some SM have to be so focus on what their SC are up to when they are not with them and have to compare what their own children get compared to their SC? Amazing how they can moan about SC getting more holidays, but somehow never take into consideration how lucky their children get to say good night to their dad every night.

As for leaving kids behind, it really comes down to how the child feels about it. For the first time ever, I've been on a family holiday without my DD17. That's because she works and had other responsibilities, and she wasn't too bothered going where we were going. It was HER choice and she certainly didn't feel rejected because of it, instead, she LOVED having the place for herself.

However, we are going away again in October and this time, it's a holiday she is very excited about. Totally different context.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 18:56

Swingofthings I have never said he sees us eow, he comes tues, thurs for few hours for his tea & see his dad & then every weekend. We also moved closer to him so he can come & go as he likes, which he does. he would spend pretty much 50/50 between mum & dad which works for us all & especially stepson. I don't even think his mum is a terrible mum for not taking him previous year when he came away with us. She also has a large age gap with younger siblings on her side so was doing the best for her family unit as what I'm trying to do with mine

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 30/08/2017 19:02

Dh can take the eldest one camping ,then they can do boys stuff like fires etc that little ones can't...we have a 10 yr age gap and do separate holidays

Popsicle434544 · 30/08/2017 19:03

Yes he is lucky to get everything twice but ur dc's r lucky to get a holiday with mum and dad together, i bet he would love give up 1 holiday and and get 1 with his mum and dad together.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 19:06

I think it's a case of respecting her dh feelings on the matter

But ops feelings don't deserve any respect I gather?

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 19:07

All the other 'I wouldn't mind leaving my child behind' is utter bollox. Thismscenario is not the same as leaving your own child in a 'together' family situation. It is leaving out a child who is already - through no fault of his own - on the margins of the family anyway and is sending a very clear message to that child

So again if your parents are together one rule, and if they aren't it's another. Wtaf!

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 19:10

lucky their children get to say good night to their dad every night

That's a big assumption. My ds doesn't get to say goodnight to his dad every night because he works.. so when it came to quality time (before ss moved in) he probably got more of it regardless of ds living here and him not.

It's not on to ignore one kid in favour of another no matter where the bloody hell they live.

Magda72 · 30/08/2017 19:29

Most kids have TWO parents - why is there always a bashing of SMS, nrdads & 'new' families on here while all mums and scs are sanctified ??? I am so sick of this attitude that kids of divorced parents are super special & have to be mollycoddled to within an inch of their lives.
I am a mum & a sm & I honestly would not bat an eyelid at my exh taking his Dp & small kids on holidays without our kids so long as he did something with ours also. My kids wouldn't mind either.
It does the kids of divorced parents no favours to be treated like they're more important than everyone else as that's how they'll proceed through life as adults & they will have a very hard time when they're not getting special treatment from the world at large.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 19:38

Tbf their not divorced, they split when he was 2, he's never known different. & my husband works nights permanently so actually is never there at bedtime to say goodnight to any of the children, the younger ones or stepson.

OP posts:
littlehandcuffs · 30/08/2017 22:09

it's weird that the 13yr old has to put up with holidays focused on young children but the young children never have to go on a holiday focused on a 13yr old.......says a lot really.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 22:19

holiday focused on a 13yr old

What would that even be? Sitting in a room in front of an xbox and eating crap for a week?

I think most holidays especially beach or sitting by the pool holidays are more suited to young children just by the nature of them.

I'm not sure you can really make babies do things 13 year olds like mainly because they're not capable or old enough or would understand. But I think you know that Hmm

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/08/2017 23:03

All the people giving you a hard time OP are not SMs.

If you always excluded your DSS then they might have a point. But you don't. You sound reasonable and generous. You are asking for
ONE holiday. That is fine and probably quite important for you to establish some sense of you and kids and DH as a team. Your DSS will attach better to a strong stable unit than an insecure one. Your DH is a stubborn fool.

By others reasoning step kids are so precious you'd be evil from excluding them from your honeymoon!

LongWavyHair · 30/08/2017 23:04

I'm not sure you can really make babies do things 13 year olds like mainly because they're not capable or old enough or would understand.

This. littlehandcuffs Your comment is just ridiculous. Beach holidays are suited for everyone, including 13 year olds. They love sun bathing and swimming. I never knew families had to go on different holidays that focus on each child Individually.

Janeismymiddlename · 30/08/2017 23:37

So again if your parents are together one rule, and if they aren't it's another. Wtaf!

I thought the whole point (as many here are arguing) is that we can't/shouldn't treat children the same? Or you now want them treated the same? In which case, surely they should all go on holiday together? Or at least ask the teen if he wants to go?

There is a huge difference between a together family saying to eldest child 'holiday or not?' and a father with children with more than one woman deliberately planning a holiday without the eldest child.

justtiredofcoping · 31/08/2017 06:00

We take away :
16,13, 9 and 6 yr old - they all get days of doing what they want - age appropriate and evening meals /choice of restaurants.
amazingly, normally stroppy 16 yr old SDD was an absolute star and played endless games with the 6 yr old - really proud of her.

That is what families do - blended or not.
The eldest 2 are my DSCs, the youngest are mine.

Because Mum did, why shouldn't Dad - just shows where this poor kids sits in everyones priorities.

Good on this kids father, my two got no holidays with their DF, because he could not afford to take her kids and his away on exotic locations. So they went to exotic locations but dumped his own kids .

Want to ask them how they feel about it - I can tell you now they were hurt and still are upset by it.

swingofthings · 31/08/2017 06:08

Tbf their not divorced, they split when he was 2, he's never known different. & my husband works nights permanently so actually is never there at bedtime to say goodnight to any of the children, the younger ones or stepson.
Bedtime, mornings, whatever. The point is that your children get more of his time than your SS. That's not a criticism, it is how it is. The point is that many SMs seem blinded to the fact that their children get a 'normal' life, with two parents, who they get to see every day, and that's priceless compared to a child who doesn't get to his both parents every single day, even when they suddenly really wish they could, who have to adjust to different rules in different households, different discussions, lifestyle etc...

So really, getting the special treat to go on two holidays rather than one is nothing compared to what the other children get and bet all of them would tread position any minute to be able to live with both their parents.

As to saying that the children missing out... because they don't get to go as far away as they could if their eldest siblings didn't come...when they are not even 5?

You need to remember OP, it's not your SS;s fault if your children's dad decided to walk out on his role of a father and that his own father hasn't and still wants to be a great dad to him in addition to taking on yours.

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 06:30

So op in theory shall my DS be denied a holiday with his DF because we split up when he was 2?

So his DF and his SM and his baby sibling get to go abroad whilst he stays with me in case we go away on holiday? Can you tell me how that's excately fair? Thankfully my ex isn't like that and ensures DS is included on every single family holiday they take the reason being he is apart of their family unit just like he's a part of ours.

My own DF is terminally ill who DS is close to and they wanted to book away again for a family wedding. I was releucant to agree to him going away in advance due to my father being so ill who DS is extremely close to. Do you know what my ex did he booked DS on holiday and told me if then situation arose where my DF was extremely poorly he would just lose the money on the holiday for DS but didn't want him to miss out if my DF was ok at the time.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 06:50

*thought the whole point (as many here are arguing) is that we can't/shouldn't treat children the same? Or you now want them treated the same? In which case, surely they should all go on holiday together? Or at least ask the teen if he wants to go?

There is a huge difference between a together family saying to eldest child 'holiday or not?' and a father with children with more than one woman deliberately planning a holiday without the eldest child*

That's not the point. I think you've missed the point.

I would happily leave my own 14 year old at home it's no different just because this 14 year olds parents have split up. You don't get special treatment more so than others because your parents split up. I say that as someone (you guessed it!!) Who's parents split up.

There is not a huge difference at all. There's really not.

HelloSquirrels · 31/08/2017 06:56

Bedtime, mornings, whatever. The point is *that your children get more of his time than your SS. That's not a criticism, it is how it is. The point is that many SMs seem blinded to the fact that their children get a 'normal' life, with two parents, who they get to see every day, and that's priceless compared to a child who doesn't get to his both parents every single day, even when they suddenly really wish they could, who have to adjust to different rules in different households, different discussions, lifestyle etc...

So really, getting the special treat to go on two holidays rather than one is nothing compared to what the other children get and bet all of them would tread position any minute to be able to live with both their parents.

As to saying that the children missing out... because they don't get to go as far away as they could if their eldest siblings didn't come...when they are not even 5?

You need to remember OP, it's not your SS;s fault if your children's dad decided to walk out on his role of a father and that his own father hasn't and still wants to be a great dad to him in addition to taking on yours*

Ignorant comments like this make me want to bang my head against a brick wall. For one thing the "new" children having a "normal life" what a ridiculous comment. You can't say one life is normal and one is not. People's lives are different, you have to deal with it. Again, children who live with both parents don't always get to see both parents every day. Mine doesn't. I know many others in the same situatuon.

As for the "not even 5" thing that's just another example of oh your kids don't matter they're only young bla bla. If the step child was under 5 that comment wouldn't have been made. Ops kids are no less important regardless of their age.

As for being a great dad - stubbornness does not make a great dad. Dragging a child on a holiday they will hate doesn't make a great dad. Parenting all the kids equally makes a great dad. Doesn't sound like he does that at all. He'd be a better dad if he pulled his head out of his arsed and realised that maybe a weekend or week away with ss on his own would probably be more suitable and enjoyable for everyone.

CosmicPineapple · 31/08/2017 07:08

I would happily leave my own 14 year old at home it's no different just because this 14 year olds parents have split up. You don't get special treatment more so than others because your parents split up. I say that as someone (you guessed it!!) Who's parents split up.

The point is dad does not want to leave his son at home. Just because you would does not make this dad wrong.
There is no request for special treatment. It is a FAMILY holiday and the only request from dad seems to be that ALL of his family go.

Its is so petty all the whinning "its not fair ss gets 2 holidays every year" Hmm

Yes SS goes on holiday with mum but his dad also wants to enjoy a holiday with his children so wants the chance to take is son on the family holiday.

I cannot understand why you would make a parent choose between their children. Which is exactly what is happening here.