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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:

swingofthings · 31/08/2017 16:02

My sincere apologies Lubella, you are absolutely right.

How would you feel if your SS said that he would love to go away with his dad only for a week and your OH thought it was a good solution? Because this is a high possibility. Would that be a good compromise if this meant that you could go away for a week with your OH without your SS during school holiday somewhere perfect for your children?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 31/08/2017 16:32

As for being a great dad - stubbornness does not make a great dad. Dragging a child on a holiday they will hate doesn't make a great dad. Parenting all the kids equally makes a great dad. Doesn't sound like he does that at all. He'd be a better dad if he pulled his head out of his arsed and realised that maybe a weekend or week away with ss on his own would probably be more suitable and enjoyable for everyone.

Totally agree with this too.

I would have loved to have gone away more with my dad on holidays when I was younger. However I got dragged along to two excruciating holidays with my step mum, dad and much younger step brothers and it was awful. Because my Dad was stubborn and adamant that his children would all be there. I ended up babysitting for kids that I followed different rules than I was used to, seeing my Dad and step mum looking awkward because they wanted to relax alone in the evenings after 10 days of watching tv I didn't like, but nowhere for me to go as an older teenager.

Basically trying to cater 'the same' for all without time to really adjust. I'd much rather it all grow more naturally with a bit of room to breath on all sides. It actually harmed relationships all round.

howtodowills · 02/09/2017 07:05

justtiredofcoping
Perhaps your ex's DP paid for her and her kids to go on holiday and your ex joined them?

howtodowills · 02/09/2017 07:15

OP - I hope it all works out ok.

I suspect your DP is just thinking "I want all my kids together and LouLou will do all the looking after and I'll get a lovely holiday with my kids". My DP used to insist his Dds came everywhere with us till hings got so bad with me and his SD that I've said I can't do holidays with her anymore. (I've tried so hard trust me). I have encouraged him to take them away but he wont as he "doesn't want to feel like a single parent".... all about him but when I talk about my needs to have a holiday without them it's all about their needs and how they shouldn't be left out.

It's bloody hard being a stepmum. I think wanting a couple of weeks out just to step out of the stepmum stress with your husband and kids isn't the crime of the century. It's not like you're saying DP can't take his son away.

Just as different nuclear families are different so are different step families.

I hope it works out OP x

swingofthings · 02/09/2017 08:05

I agree that if a SM is happy for her partner to go on a holiday with his children alone (a proper holiday, not a cheap few days in the next county), then it is not reasonable for him to complain if SM wants then to go on a holiday without the SC.

My understanding though is that this is often not possible due to costs. It is the one that OH and I agree on from the moment we decided to build a life together. He was to continue to go away with his friends for a week (actually, this has gone to twice now!), I continue to go on a very nice holiday with my kids alone (so they get my full attention as before I met him), we then have a holiday just him and I (usually long week-ends, our Christmas present for each other, but every other year or so, we also do a weekly trip) and we also go on holiday as a family, although for the first time this year, DD didn't come as was working.

No need to say that this cost a fortune and we can only afford it because we both work FT in well paid jobs AND because we prioritise it over other luxuries. However, there is no resentment and everyone is happy so it works for us.

howtodowills · 02/09/2017 08:33

That sounds good swingofthings.... and I bet people don't chastise you for leaving your Dds while you and your DP holiday alone together!

I don't think people should get hung up on the costs of the types of holidays. I know my SDs would love a week camping with their dad. He hasn't taken them though (in my opinion which he disputes because it would be too much work for him to organise it and look after them for a week.)

I know my DS would prefer camping in U.K. To a holiday abroad as he hates the sun and really suffers in the heat... he's very outdoorsy and loves everything about camping. I take him a couple of times a year but also like a "proper" holiday for myself (one where I don't cook or clean much!!)

LongWavyHair · 02/09/2017 08:58

howtodowills My DCs love holidaying here in the UK too. And so do I! Someone said to me not so long ago that they feel sorry for my DCs because they've never been abroad There is plenty of time for that seeing as my youngest is 2. Just goes to show how some people can't just appreciate smaller things and everything has to be extravagant. My toddler doesn't care where the seaside is.

howtodowills · 02/09/2017 09:25

Agree wavy - we live in a fab country with loads to see, do and explore and without the hassle of sweaty kids wrestling away from suncream! i never went abroad as a child and have loads of happy memories of camping with my family! X

LongWavyHair · 02/09/2017 09:49

Agreed! I love our country and we have some wonderful little holidays over here. My DCs have an older sibling who also loves our holidays over here and also goes on many nice holidays abroad with mum and paternal grandparents. This puts pressure on me to want my children to have the same especially when people make the above comments, but then I remember they are happy and that's all that matters!
My DCs are very content with holidaying over here and I dislike all the pressure on us to book a holiday abroad just because it's what's expected of us due to the fact that everyone else around us does it.

meltingmarshmallows · 02/09/2017 10:19

My lovely SD & Mum wanted to treat me to a holiday to Greece when I was 14 as they hadn't long been together and wanted to bond with me etc. I cried as I would be without the internet and friends for a week

My poor parents didn't get a foreign holiday until long after I'd left home! (I have since taken them on one ). And I have a wonderful relationship with my SD now.

But the point is, OP is likely right about him not wanting to go in the first place. Seems like DH is projecting and trying to force a situation where everyone will miss out. I don't think OP is being selfish.

Bibidy · 02/09/2017 20:13

I don't think you're being selfish OP.

I'd suggest to DH that he asks his son what he wants to do, whether he actually wants to come on the holiday. It's all very well DH insisting he's there, but if he'd rather not be then there's plenty of other options to do something as a family at another time, maybe a long weekend or something.

swingofthings · 03/09/2017 09:27

That sounds good swingofthings.... and I bet people don't chastise you for leaving your Dds while you and your DP holiday alone together!

No, but that's because it was her decision, certainly not that of my OH and because I am taking her and DS away soon anyway.

It's a totally different scenario to making the decision to exclude a child because of costs/convenience.

swingofthings · 03/09/2017 09:28

OP, has your OH spoken to his son yet?

howtodowills · 03/09/2017 13:24

The parents of Several "together" families I know holiday without their kids once a year as they feel it benefits their relationship and I guess in turn the kids.

Is this frowned upon too?

swingofthings · 03/09/2017 14:21

Well actually, yes, believe by some people (not me as I do it!), however, again, I don't think it is is comparable to going on holiday with a couple of children and telling the older one that he won't be coming because they have chosen a holiday during school time to treat the youngest one and it's during school time but that's ok because his grand parents will be taking him camping next summer.

I don't know any families who have done that or would want to.

LongWavyHair · 03/09/2017 14:47

And by that same token it's not ok to take the older one and not the younger one. But you hear stories occasionally on here where grandparents think nothing about taking older grandchildren on holiday or on a day out without an invite for the younger children. I know this example isn't the same because it's grandparents and not parents but nobody ever bats an eyelid when younger children get left behind, especially in blended families. Is it because their parents are still together and that makes it all ok?

swingofthings · 03/09/2017 19:01

Similarly, I don't think this is on, unless the youngest one is too young to even be aware of the situation and therefore care, or they take the younger one on a different (not months later) day out, so that the reason why they are taking them separately is that they can both enjoy the day rather than one getting preferential treatment.

LongWavyHair · 03/09/2017 19:12

I agree as long as they make the effort with each child if there is an age gap then that's ok. Unfortunately that doesn't happen all the time though. What I find really sad is when they invite the older child to somewhere suitable for both ages and not the younger one.

chaplin1409 · 03/09/2017 19:17

Does your step son actually want to go on holiday? Could you do a holiday in term time with the 2 little ones then a short break that your step son would enjoy in the school holidays? Maybe over night at a theme park or something.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/09/2017 00:35

It's bloody hard being a stepmum. I think wanting a couple of weeks out just to step out of the stepmum stress with your husband and kids isn't the crime of the century. Agree again this point is really important. And considering most second marriages don't work, really crucial to ensure that the second family survives.

swingofthings · 04/09/2017 17:57

It's hard to be e step-mum, it's hard to be the parent who is trying to please their partner and their kids from another relationship, and the new kids when all have different wants and needs. It's hard to be an ex who has to pick up the pieces when their child feels rejected because the new children needs take precedence. It's hard for the child who has so much to say but keeps it all for themselves because they don't want to upset anyone or be judged for the way they feel.

Being hard doesn't mean that it should entitled one of something at the detriment of the others. Compromises can always be found, problem is everyone has to be prepared to make them.

justtiredofcoping · 04/09/2017 19:55

howtodowills - you are having a laugh!

He has now split from her - the resolution of bills etc and the battle for his monies for maintenance on their joint DC are quite frankly unreal. She did not contribute a penny of her part time job, in the 3 yrs they were together. No rent, utilities, holidays, insurance, food etc etc etc.

This has all come out in court as she was demanding so much maintenance for their joint DC and with holding access. I have been dragged into it, as it was felt by her that she should not share maintenance with me - she would get one third, I would get 2 thirds of the total amount payable (1 DC vs 2DCS) - because in her eyes I earn too much already and she needs it more than me! I love the judge!!!

Stupid cow would have had more if she had gone for what he offered ( well above CMS) but she wanted the lot!!!!

swingofthings - the children that stay quiet and just silently cry inside because they know what they say will make no difference and they really are not welcome in their fathers new family. ompletely relate to that.

Sorry disagree with the argument as to you should be allowed to have a holiday withjust your DP and your kids and not the SDCs. You signed up for a life of children, that is 24/7/365 - they do not stop being part of your life just because you fancy it.

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