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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:
howtodowills · 30/08/2017 08:41

OP is it likely your DP will lie around -doing nothing- spending quality time with SS while you're expected to run around with the small ones? Or will he take an equal role in looking after all his kids?

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 08:43

Probably 70% /30% lazing to being on toddler watch. Majority of younger children will be left to me

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 30/08/2017 08:44

He maybe introvert that doesn't mean he shouldn't be involved in holiday plans. You knew your dh had a child from a previous just because you have dc doesn't give you the right to exclude his eldest child because he's from a previous relationship it just doesn't work that way. Your dh has made his stance known. You wouldn't exclude him if he was your child would you so why do you expect your husband to do the same.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 08:46

You wouldn't exclude him if he was your child would you

Ok has already said she would have no problem leaving her own 14 year old at home. Neither would i. Lots of people do it on a regular basis because what a 14 year old boy wants to do is generally not the same as their parents or baby siblings is it?

howtodowills · 30/08/2017 08:53

OP does he do more for the little ones when the teen isn't there?

My DP leaves it all to me which is another reason I don't do things with his kids. If he's not prepared to go 50/50 on looking after his own kids why should I bother?!

Handsfull13 · 30/08/2017 08:57

I completely understand this. I have a 14Dss and I love him to bits but next year we are taking our babies on holiday without him.
We have taken him away the last 2 years and now we have just had twins I want to take them to disney next year like I did when I was little. But I know doing all the kiddy rides will bore him stiff and we don't have the money to do it term time and do the bigger theme parks aswell.
We had a long chat about it and decided we could go away next December and his mother is finally taking him away for the first time on her own.
We are going to just make sure to do family days out during the summer holidays to make up for it.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 09:06

Yes howtodo he does more for little ones when ss isn't there however I do think that's to be expected in the situation. Ss does nothing to attempt to help out with his brothers

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 30/08/2017 09:18

Ah so everything's brilliant if your parents aren't separated hmm bizarre.

Exactly Squirrels. I really dislike the lazy argument "well your child's parents are still together". That doesn't automatically mean it's a good thing in every situation does it?

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 09:20

Nope absolutely not. Dss parents aren't together (obviously) but I can wholeheartedly say he has it so so much better now they're not.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 09:23

I find that a lot of the time it's the "new" children in a blended family that get sidelined usually by the dad (though not always) because they're usually more focused on the step kids through guilt from leaving in the first place. Step kids often get patented entirely differently, get away with much more, get more treats etc and more presents to make up for one of their parents not living with them. Apparently this is ok because the "new kids" have daddy all week. Yes but daddy might work late, they might not actually see him very much. It's a really closed minded view to hold.

LongWavyHair · 30/08/2017 09:30

Apparently this is ok because the "new kids" have daddy all week.

It's very close minded I agree. It makes me cringe when people use this as an excuse to treat children differently.

BeerGutAndTribal · 30/08/2017 09:51

I don't like the attitude on here that everything should be focused on the step children and everyone else should fit around it whether they like it or not.

This. It's not the stepkids' fault that their parents have separated, but by the same token, it's not the fault of the kids who were born following the separation either.

RandomMess · 30/08/2017 10:14

Treating DC isn't about treating them the same!

Fairly is a holiday they will enjoy!

OP I suggest you ask DSS for his ideas and input as to what he thinks would work/not work? If he desperate to come along than that is different if he thinks doing something teen centric with just his Dad is better...

Underthemoonlight · 30/08/2017 10:45

But he's not treating them differently is he? Hes treating them the same equally by ensuring they all get to go away with him that's the whole point. Should a child miss out on he opportunity of going away with his father because his mother and his father are no longer together. I would imagine he was extremely hurt to miss out on going away with his mother aswell. Btw having two holidays or two Christmas doesn't make up for the fact that your parents aren't together and be included in the one unit instead being apart of blended families with step parents step siblings and half sibling, not really knowing where you fit in each family.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 10:52

He is treating them differently op has said that she is responsible for most of the childcare for the younger ones and presumably whilst she is doing that ss is getting all the attention. That's treating them differently.

Btw having two holidays or two Christmas doesn't make up for the fact that your parents aren't together and be included in the one unit instead being apart of blended families with step parents step siblings and half sibling, not really knowing where you fit in each family

No you're right it doesn't but it's incredibly ignorant to assume that a child has a better life because their parents are together. Being included in one unit can be better or worse then being a part of two blended families.

It is no wonder the amount of shit step parents get when the attitude is that mum and dad being together is always better.

LongWavyHair · 30/08/2017 11:03

It's very narrow minded to say that children have a better life because their parents are still together. Sometimes the best thing for some children would be for the parents to not be together.

RandomMess · 30/08/2017 11:08

Treating them all the same isn't fair on anyone!!! It's a way to ensure all the DC have a bit of a crap holiday.

It's not fair on full birth siblings to treat them the same!! They are unique and individuals with different needs.

The suggestion was that DSS has a holiday with his Dad doing thing he will enjoy if that is what he wants...

tireddotcom72 · 30/08/2017 11:09

Dd13 any typical stroppy teenager. Last year on holiday she was in full on Kevin mode and it would have killed her to enjoy anything. This year hormones have settled down and she was lovely to be with - hotel was a family hotel so plenty to do for little kids and teens. She made friends her age so went and did stuff with them - teen lounge had games / dvds / computers / game consoles. Pool was great. Water park was fun this year and no moaning. She is so shy but realised she either made an effort to make friends and have fun or just be stuck with me. Teenagers are funny things you never know what mood they will be in - oh and one of her favourite parts of holiday was playing in the sand pit with younger kids!

Take him on holiday he might surprise you this year and enjoy it - just make sure wherever you go has wifi so he can retreat into the online world they all live in.

Underthemoonlight · 30/08/2017 11:16

I was lucky my dp being together. I wouldn't like seperate Christmases. My DS has two seperate families it works well as he's part of both and his DF includes him at Christmas and holidays away but he also sees that he has siblings with me and siblings from his fathers side and it can be hard him to see them having both parents together where as he doesn't have that. Blending families are extremely complex and hard and if I had the choice I would love my DS to be to my DHs and be involved in all aspects of his life instead I have a son who I'm not involved in everything he's does.

LongWavyHair · 30/08/2017 11:20

My parents split when I was young. I remember being happy that I got 2 holidays, Christmases, birthdays etc... Life was good and not every child wishes their parents were still together.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 12:10

I'm very lucky that my parents split. My life (and my mums) would have been completely different and utterly miserable if they'd stayed together. I would be the person I am now and I wouldn't have met the fabulous people I have such as my step dad and I wouldn't have my lovely younger brother either.

I don't feel unlucky quite the opposite.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/08/2017 15:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I do think that 'middle ground' is often key when it comes to step families. If your DH is hung up on DSS coming on every single holiday then there is no room to breath and grow for you and kids too. If you never took DSS away then that would be excluding him from feeling like parting of your family. However you don't seem to be doing or saying that.

Who knows, maybe your DH might want to bring his son for a holiday just themselves one time, or a weekend away. Would you insist that you all went?

Personally I think it's much healthier to mix and matching. I took my step kids away just with me (and not their Dad) for weekends sometimes and that was really good too.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/08/2017 16:15

I find that a lot of the time it's the "new" children in a blended family that get sidelined usually by the dad (though not always) because they're usually more focused on the step kids through guilt from leaving in the first place. Hellosquirrels I totally agree with this!

We had a bedroom for each step child (3 of them, two over 18) even though only one lived with us full-time. However my DP suggested that our child 4 year old share a bedroom with my son!

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2017 16:21

I also think your husband is right, excludIng a child from a separated family will cause hurt. Your list of excuses in why he shouldn't come sound like just that and I suspect you'd prefer it was just the four of you as a family unit.

Unless you wish to cause a deep division with your husband, accept he will treat his children equally and welcome his son on your vacation. And stop counting all the things you do for him, all the things he gets and why he shouldn't want to be there.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/08/2017 16:34

Bluntness I do think that way is madness. You are just setting up for the DSS to be 'included in everything' is as crazy as being 'excluded in everything'. Sometimes he'll go on holiday with his Mum. Sometimes with his Dad. Sometimes with everyone. Maybe they will do alternate years with DSS and without DSS. Then the one with DSS can be a bit more 'about him' and the one without can be more geared to the younger ones.

Including step kids in absolutely everything if they don't live with you full-time is just denial and guilt playing out. I do think that there is a balance and if not, it is not equal. It is geared towards the step kids and their needs first and making everyone cram into the same space at the same time always. In my experience this doesn't work.

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