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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

147 replies

Loubella86 · 29/08/2017 21:56

Hi all
This is my first post so please be kind...
My husband has a 13 year old son, I met him when he was 6 & we had numerous holidays & days out before our younger sons arrived who are 4 & 20 months. Last year we took all 3 children on holiday whilst his etc partner took her 2 younger daughters away with her new husband. We are looking at holidays for 2018 & I thought as we took my step son the previous year we would just take the younger 2 children away & step son go away with his mum. As my 4 year old doesn't have to go to school till sept 2018 we can go in term time & save some money then look at doing a holiday where we all go in 2019. My husband has flat out refused & thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to take step son away. He says he wants to take all 3 of this children away which I do understand however there seems to be no compromise in the matter. If step son comes we have to go in school holidays which is double the price. I just don't understand why my step son seems to get everything twice over from mum then from dad & them my children miss out
Does anyone else have any opinions on this

OP posts:
Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 00:07

But he wouldn't be with grandparents backie he would be with his mum, presumably on a holiday with her like he was away with us the previous year when she took her 2 daughters away with her husband

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 30/08/2017 00:10

Like I said, you need to stop thinking of this in terms of what he will be getting from his mother and start considering it from his father's position. It is irrelevant what his mother may or may not do. What is relevant is that your husband wants his son with him on his family holiday. Regardless of what the other parent will do. This child is the same to your husband as your two sons are. They are all equally his children and he wants them all there. If you were to have a third child would you pick one to leave behind to save money? No, you would adjust the holiday to suit your budget. Just like this father is wanting to do. Holidays change as families/children grow. If the boy doesn't want to go then go ahead and book in term time but if he does and his father wants him there then yes you are being selfish to want to exclude him to save money.

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2017 00:12

Yes, you are being selfish. Your H wants to go on holiday with all his children. Your young children aren't missing out. Your 4 year old and nearly 2 year old will be happy with a caravan and a beach.

You want to go somewhere more expensive and you want to leave behind the teenager. That's selfish.

Suck it up for approx 3 years and then you'll probably find he doesn't want to come with you anyway. Your H will be a bit sad about that. Do you care?

swingofthings · 30/08/2017 06:05

Here it goes again! 'My SC gets to go on holiday twice whilst mine only goes once, it's not fair. My kids are lucky to have both their parents with them every day when SC had not choice but to only see their father every other week-end, but that's not my problem, they still don't deserve a holiday extra to my poor children'.

The bottom line is: Your OH doesn't want to go on holiday without all his children. GOOD ON HIM! The fact that his mum doesn't care is irrelevant. If she wants to be a crap mother, that's her choice, he doesn't want to be a crap father.

Cupoteap · 30/08/2017 06:16

Why shouldn't he be included in his fathers holiday plans? Nothing you e mentioned gives anything close to a reasonable suggestion why he should be excluded.

acornsandnuts · 30/08/2017 06:55

Yes you are being selfish. Teenagers are stroppy and hard work AND unsure and vulnerable. They are going through the most changes physically and mentally that they ever will. They need to feel secure and loved NOT excluded and second best.

Good on your DH. It's his son I honestly can't see any reason for not having him go away with you.

Underthemoonlight · 30/08/2017 07:03

As a mother is a similar situation I couldn't go away without DS and take my other two like his mother did. He didn't get two holidays did he? His father stepped up and took him away and isn't prepared to do the same which is good for him. In the next couple of years he will be an older teenager. He should be considered part of the family regardless who he's mother is, your married his father

Theworldisfullofidiots · 30/08/2017 07:16

My dd's friend is in this situation. He is the only child of one relationship. Both parents then went on and had children (much younger) with their next relationship. He doesn't fit in anywhere.
This feels similar. what message would you be sending him by not including him? Only a few years and he won't be going with you anyway.

Josieannathe2nd · 30/08/2017 07:22

2 holidays? Camping in the summer holidays and see is SS wants to bring a friend & then something abroad in term time when it's cheaper. Possibly to somewhere SS is less likely to be interested in but preschoolers won't mind.

Quartz2208 · 30/08/2017 07:41

But he can't be on holiday with his mum, he would be at school as you want to go during term time

What is the usual contact schedule as a term time holiday would ruin that and would need his mums approval

In theory him being on holiday with mum and sisters and you go away is fine but that would be school holidays

SouthPole · 30/08/2017 07:50

Poor kid. Living with mum and Stepdad and their new family and seeing dad and stepmum and their new family.

Treat him as if he's yours.

Expensive out of term holidays and all, anything less is unacceptable.

Teens are moody - you must get over it.

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 07:52

To be honest if he's on holiday with his mum anyway I really don't see the issue.

I can see it from both sides. I obviously can see why your DH wants to take him but I can see why you think he should go with his mum, and also why you might want to focus on the younger kids

I don't like the attitude on here that everything should be focused on the step children and everyone else should fit around it whether they like it or not.

I say that as a step child, and step parent and parent.

My ss is at a frankly awful age (And yes I know my ds will hit this age and I will feel the same about him although may have slightly more power over his behaviour) and it seems like an utter waste of everyone's time and money to take a moody teenager somewhere they are not going to enjoy. We are taking ss away with us next year (he lives with us) and I really don't know what to expect. It could be a total disaster and if it is we won't be doing it again. Then again same would go for my ds!!

SonicBoomBoom · 30/08/2017 07:54

But he can't be on holiday with his mum, he would be at school as you want to go during term time

Exactly.

Magda72 · 30/08/2017 08:00

To all those saying it doesn't matter what this kids mum does regarding holidays - it actually does as she and ops Dp are still coparents & primary carers.
My Dps exw refuses to take his kids on any breaks. Finances are not an issue - she just doesn't want to do it by herself or have to occupy three teen boys without the aid of an Xbox!
As a result Dp has been doing everything in this department & his boys now have massive expectations of their dad & no expectations of their mum & this is not good for them & not a good eg of coparenting for them to be seeing - it's not about the actual holiday, it's about kids seeing some level of basic equality in parenting in divorced situations. I know that can't happen in all divorces but it can in this one & sounds like it could also in ops situation.
I still think this boy would really benefit from some man time with his dad, & yes it should be pointed out to the mum that she should be including him in the family holiday next year.
As a pp said this kid is an only child of one relationship & is older than all his siblings & while he of course needs to feel part of both families what he really needs in teen years is some quality one on one time with both his dad AND his mum.

schoolgaterebel · 30/08/2017 08:08

You need to treat him like he is your own son.

Teens & pre teens can be moody & ungrateful, you just need to love them through it.

schoolgaterebel · 30/08/2017 08:10

I agree with PP who pointed out how important time with his Dad is at this age. (Time spent away from everyday life, in a holiday environment is very valuable)

thethoughtfox · 30/08/2017 08:11

Try to reframe how you think about this child. He isn't a lucky spoiled child who has two of everything. Your child has their mother and father living together. Be happy about that.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 08:17

TBH I don't see him staying at home next year any different to my 10 month old baby staying with grandparents when we went on a camping weekend last year. We took ss and 3 year old son then and baby stayed with my parents so could have quality time with the older 2. I'm not the evil step mum that is being portrayed I do allot with step son I just think he might be miserable at a kiddy disco 7+ nights a week. My husband is very focused on treating them all the same which is admirable however this includes on him trying to bring ss on a trip to CBeebies land with his younger siblings instead of doing an equivalent trip with ss like I had suggested

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 30/08/2017 08:22

TBH I don't see him staying at home next year any different to my 10 month old baby staying with grandparents when we went on a camping weekend last year.

Your 10 month old isn't old enough to understand what was happening. A teenager is.

And your 10 month old doesn't have separated parents, one of whom's new wife seems to be trying to exclude him from his father's family holiday for her own convenience.

But yes. Totally the same thing. Hmm

HelloSquirrels · 30/08/2017 08:24

Ah so everything's brilliant if your parents aren't separated Hmm bizarre.

All this "treat them all the same" is rubbish when actually you treat the younger kids worse but it's ok because their parents are together.

If he isn't going to enjoy the holiday what is the point? Really?

Why can he not go for a long weekend somewhere with his dad that he would actually enjoy? That makes far more sense.

howtodowills · 30/08/2017 08:25

magda makes some very sensible points here OP.

If it was a "normal" family nobody would bat an eyelid if someone suggested leaving the teen at home.

I am one of the "crap" mothers people talk about who has been away without my son from first marriage... here's why:
DS hates the sun and gets very scared on planes. He however loves sports and camping and the outdoors so in his summer holidays we do holidays away in UK, loads of days out, activities and he has lots of friends over etc. I have once (and thinking of it again) been away for a week on a sunny beach hol without him in school term time when he was at his dads. I discussed it with him first and he was absolutely fine with it as in his words "I don't like sun and I don't like planes"! TBH I think I was more unhappy without him there but it did work that yr and everyone was happy.

I also refuse to go on holiday with DPs kids. (Big backstory) I have told him if he feels compromised by going without them then that's fine and I'll go with friends and he can take his kids away but he hasn't as yet. They do get holidays with their mum though.

OP Do you do the bulk of the "work" for your Ss? Perhaps DP would feel differently about taking his son on holiday if he had to organise it all? Why don't you suggest he finds somewhere suitable for all of you? Or failing that just take your little ones away with a friend if DP won't come. If it's just cost I think you're being a bit unreasonable but if there's other reasons too (as with my stepkids) then I think you're fair to want a holiday which is an actual holiday!

howtodowills · 30/08/2017 08:26

Yes *sqirrell"!

CosmicPineapple · 30/08/2017 08:28

There are 3 children in your family.
Your DH has made it clear that 3 children will be going on holiday.
What holiday plans happen in another family should have no bearing on yours.

In a few years your DSS will probably decline family holidays so support your DH to spend quality family time with all of his children while he can.

I dont think you are selfish OP but you must be able to understand why DH is saying no to leaving his son out of holiday plans?

Magda72 · 30/08/2017 08:34

I don't think OP is trying to exclude anyone - she's being practical.
People on here are forever saying that kids of divorced parents need one on one time & different treatment to kids of 'together' parents, but then when anyone suggests treating them differently all hell breaks loose.
The harsh reality of divorce is that things ARE different for kids whose parents are divorced & they have to learn to negotiate relationships with many people in a way kids in 'normal' families don't have to. But, this can be a positive thing & doesn't have to be the end of the world.
And for the record a 10 month will not consciously understand being left at home but will experience separation anxiety & will subconsciously assimilate that feeling - but hey you know what - that child will also learn to deal with that & that is a good thing. Life is full of bumps & we don't always get what we want, when we want, with whom we want.
Divorced parents have to realise that often they do have two strands to the one family & it is unfair on everyone to expect everyone to row in together All the time.

Original poster
Loubella86 · 30/08/2017 08:36

Yes howtodo I do all the work, finding something suitable for us all, packing & unpacking, plan the days when we are there etc. We went to a splashland hotel the year before as there were things for him to do like clubs and slides but he didn't seem to enjoy himself. As for trying to exclude him sonic you don't know the full situation, I have never excluded him from anything. I have cared for him when my husband has worked on numerous occasions that he would be with his mother, I had him when my own ds was 2 weeks old when his mum hadn't arranged care for him for a half term & she was working, I moved my younger children 20 miles recently so we are closer to him for convienience of being able to go to each house when we likes.... I do treat him alike & I wouldn't bat an eyelid at leave my ds at 14 if he wasn't going to enjoy what the majority of the rest of the trip would

OP posts: