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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My daughter has suddenly said she is scared of step dad

144 replies

Jojorobrob · 21/03/2017 12:25

Please can anyone help? I feel like my world has crashed in around me. Yesterday I was called into school as my daughter had confided that she is scared of her stepdad as he "shouts". Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?! The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner! Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine. (He has 2 children)
What can I do? I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter. How can we move forward from this? Is there a way? Counselling etc? Or do I have to accept it is over? We are in the middle of buying our first home together and now this all looks under threat. I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do!! Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 12:29

Well, I'm glad he's terrified. Now he knows what it's like to be your daughter.

Why on earth are you backing him in this? Don't you know that discipline doesn't involved yelling at someone?

MorrisZapp · 21/03/2017 12:30

How old is your daughter and what does 'discipline' look like in your house?

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2017 12:33

How old is your daughter? There is a difference between discipline and scaring a child. Do you feel that he goes over the top with his discipline?

HeyRoly · 21/03/2017 12:35

So he shouts, he's stricter than you, they have clashed in the past, and although you accept he's rather OTT, you let him do it because it's "discipline".

You're not painting a very happy picture here.

I think you need to consider your daughter's feelings over your feelings for your partner.

MerryMarigold · 21/03/2017 12:36

I am fairly surprised school would call you in over this. Be honest - is there more? Have there been issues with him being aggressive to teachers? Did she said she was scared of getting hurt or just scared? How old is she?

HumphreyCobblers · 21/03/2017 12:37

I shout sometimes but it is always the result of a loss of control on my part. I apologise for it.

I do not think shouting is an appropriate choice for a discipline tool.

Perhaps if you both signed up for parenting classes it would help find alternative ways of disciplining that were more constructive? I have read a lot of books myself and been on courses.

MerryMarigold · 21/03/2017 12:38

Does he threaten violence. I am assuming the teacher said "Why are you scared?" If your dds response was that he shouts, I don't think it would go this far. A lot of teachers shout as well. It may not be the best way to control a class, but ime A LOT of teachers shout, and I have heard it often as well as hearing about it.

orzal · 21/03/2017 12:39

Try to imagine how desperate your daughter must have felt to confide in someone at school and thank goodness she was brave enough to do so.

ClemDanfango · 21/03/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolditFinger · 21/03/2017 12:41

I wouldn't be happy about DP shouting at my DD, sorry. Shouting and bellowing isn't a very effective method of discipline anyway. All it does is relieve the temper of the one shouting. If you want DD to learn to manage her behaviour, then letting your partner demonstrate that he can't manage his own isn't going to be helpful.

MerryMarigold · 21/03/2017 12:42

SS for shouting? There is a lot more to this, OP.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 12:43

There must be more to what she's said other than that he shouts. Most parents shout in the heat of the moment, they don't automatically get referred to SS.

How old is your DD and how long have you and DP been together? TBH if you're only just at the point of buying your first house together it doesn't sound as if you live together yet and yet he is involved in disciplining your DD? Why?

xStefx · 21/03/2017 12:46

How old is your daughter OP?

I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do

I hope that's because your worried for your daughter and not the guy who scares her?

Msqueen33 · 21/03/2017 12:49

My dh shouts. I hate it. It's because the kids can't listen he thinks it commands respect but we've had words over it.

Is your dd comfortable with her step dad? Because if not I'd say this and him shouting is frightening her and it's not fair.

It's not game over with him but you need to talk to him about how he interacts with your dd. At the end of the day she's your child and must come first. Maybe they need to bond more and he needs to learn that shouting isn't an acceptable form of discipline. This is something you can work at but you need to make sure your dd is happy and feels secure at home. Good luck what an awful position to be in.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 12:50

You said that you "cannot lose him" but equally that you "cannot lose your daughter either." This is incredibly emotive talk which suggests that there is a lot more to this than you're telling us here.

If you genuinely have been led to think that you could lose your daughter over this then you have one choice only - you have to end this relationship.

Billybonkers76 · 21/03/2017 12:54

Your her mother, it is your job to protect her. What do you do when he's scaring her? How long has he been in her life? Has he always been like this? Does he scare you too? You need to step up, this is not what discipline looks like!

Billybonkers76 · 21/03/2017 12:55

*you're

Mombie2016 · 21/03/2017 12:57

I'm currently single but if any of my DC were scared of my "D"P he would be out on his arse quicker than he can blink.

Sort yourself out ffs.

Mutella · 21/03/2017 12:57

How old is she?

I can't imagine a relationship where a man shouts at my children. Maybe sometimes I'd like a bit of back up. ''Do what your mum says guys, or I'll suggest to her that she turns off the internet, cos that sure as heck works with my own kids, ha ha".

But a man coming in and shouting at my kids!? I just can't imagine thinking that was ok.

WindyBottoms · 21/03/2017 12:58

I'm an adult and I would be scared if a man shouted at me, especially if it happened more than once. For a child it must be very scary indeed.

Discipline and shouting are not the same thing. Discipline is about teaching someone the right way to behave, not about getting angry with them.

I think you need to accept that your partner's methods are not the right ones for your child and work with the school and social services to ensure that she can feel safe in her own home.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/03/2017 13:00

Poor kid.

Need to know how old she is op.

Fuck the house, this is more important surely?

HecateAntaia · 21/03/2017 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/03/2017 13:01

My dh shouts at our kids sometimes, as I have done, they're not scared of us.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/03/2017 13:02

That wasn't directed at your comment Hecate we both know its not the way to go.

BareGrylls · 21/03/2017 13:04

Shouting is nothing to do with parenting or discipline.
The only reason to shout is to alert someone to imminent danger.
Your DD should never be afraid in her own home and it is your job to protect her.

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