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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My daughter has suddenly said she is scared of step dad

144 replies

Jojorobrob · 21/03/2017 12:25

Please can anyone help? I feel like my world has crashed in around me. Yesterday I was called into school as my daughter had confided that she is scared of her stepdad as he "shouts". Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?! The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner! Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine. (He has 2 children)
What can I do? I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter. How can we move forward from this? Is there a way? Counselling etc? Or do I have to accept it is over? We are in the middle of buying our first home together and now this all looks under threat. I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do!! Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:

oldbirdy · 21/03/2017 14:57

For Pete's sake. Not too long ago a parent on here posted as they felt they were constantly yelling at their kids. I responded to say that I almost never shout at my kids, but use a range of tactics (which I described to help the op iirc). I was then accused of either having exceptionally easy children of lying, because "everyone" shouts at their kids. Now suddenly kids should never be shouted at.

Op this sounds worrying and you need to consider carefully whether your partner uses an appropriate amount of discipline and your dad is just used to 'quiet' parenting or if your partner is unreasonable. In any case the fact it is scaring your daughter for whatever reason means he needs to alter his approach very quickly.

duxb · 21/03/2017 14:58

You stated that you can't lose him, before mentioning not being able to lose your daughter. Perhaps deal with that as a priority.

Your daughter should be your first concern.

oldbirdy · 21/03/2017 14:58

*or lying

*Dd not dad.

Bloody phone

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 21/03/2017 15:01

Why is the step-dad not following YOUR disciplining/parenting method with your dd? You know - the one she's been used to all her life and obviously works for you and her?

Why are you not intervening in the situation so it doesn't escalate to shouting?

Your child needs ONE type of method which is followed through by you, her dad and her step-dad.

You need to tell your new husband to wing his neck in - he doesn't get to make the rules re your dd......constant shouting to intimidate her into doing things his way is BULLYING.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2017 15:08

Where is the OP?

Wdigin2this · 21/03/2017 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

artistictemperament · 21/03/2017 15:11

I'd be interested to know if he'd be open to modifying his behaviour or if he's a " my way or the highway" kind of guy? Also, is he worried about losing you? Important questions to test the equality factors going on here as if he's not, then you need to have a serous think about the scenario you have chosen (your dd has no choice).

Porpoiselife · 21/03/2017 15:14

OP I think you need to answer a few of the questions put on here. such as how old is your daughter? How long have you and your partner been together, does his kids live with you? All this will give a wider picture.

It is not good that your DD is scared of her stepdad. But as one pp put, do you not discipline at all and she finding your OH discipline hard because of that? If there are other children in the house given boundaries, he may see that the same boundaries have to apply to everyone? Or is she resentful of the new family setup especially a move to a new house?

Shouting at a younger child to the point of scaring her is not on, at all. However if for example your teen daughter has been sneaking out the house at night and not listening to you or abiding by the rules, I can see how someone would shout. I would shout in that kind of instance, to try and keep her safe!

I think we need a bit more background on the setup to make a judgement

swingofthings · 21/03/2017 15:16

I can't believe this thread and all the assumptions that have been made yet knowing next to nothing of the circumstances. We don't know the age of the child, the relationship between the child and SF, the circumstances by which they informed someone at school of being scared, whether there are any issues with the child, how long they've been together etc... I'm not surprised at all that OP hasn't wish to come back.

For all we know, the child in question is 14, with an attitude having been spoilt by mum and SD is trying to install some discipline in her life, supported by OP. Maybe SD doesn't like it that her SD has said that she can't go out to meet her boyfriend at 10pm on a school night and screamed at her when he saw her trying to climb down her window because he was scared she was going to be hurt. SD hates him for preventing her to see her boyfriend and decided to report him being vindictive.

This is as likely as the child being a 6 shy six year old who is being verbally abused and threatened by her SD, most of it when her mother is not around and broke down in tears in front of her teacher after he told her the previous night that if she said anything to anyone, he would make sure that her mum would get hurt.

We don't have any idea!

By the way, I am a shouter, owed to my Mediterranean background and yes, I use it as a form of discipline and it works very well. My kids are not scared of me at all, but like many, they will try to get away with everything and after being nice, negotiating etc.., it is often shouting that gets them to take me seriously. They are now grown up teenagers, very contented, confident, secure and well behaved and we have a great relationship. They do know though that if I ask them 3 times to bring their dirty clothes in the basket, it is highly likely that the 4th time I will be shouting at them to do so!

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 15:24

Totally agree Swing

Olympiathequeen · 21/03/2017 15:29

I can't believe you let a step parent shout at your child. It's completely unacceptable and you are wrong to back him in his heavy handed attempts to discipline your daughter. He needs to get a grip and learn better ways of disciplining. People who shout have lost control. The next step,is to get physical. I would not allow anyone to regularly shout at my child.

Yes, I agree sometimes we lose control and shout, but the guilt normal people feel is an indication it's not right.

Dumdedumdedum · 21/03/2017 15:29

Sorry, swingofthings, dress it up how you like, but in my world, you're a bully and your teens will scarper as soon as say hello to you once they are beyond the need for your financial support.

alltouchedout · 21/03/2017 15:31

Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?!

If shouting was the only method of discipline, you'd be using it too, right? Surely if you thought it was the right thing it would be what you were doing? In any case, shouting that frightens a child is way, way beyond discipline and I suspect you know this.

The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner!
No, that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is that your dd feels such worry that school feel they have a duty to report. They don't call social services over every little complaint a child makes.

Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine.
But she's your daughter. You lead on how she is parented. Not him.

PuntCuffin · 21/03/2017 15:38

I'm with Swing here. Since when did children become so fragile that you can't raise your voice when they are ignoring you and refusing to cooperate?

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 15:41

", dress it up how you like, but in my world, you're a bully and your teens will scarper as soon as say hello to you once they are beyond the need for your financial support." what a load of rubbish. The reason why children these days are out of control is because we've gone too far the other way.

Absolutely we need to have got rid of punishments such as the belt and smacking, however now it's all about reasoning, never raising your voice, never doing anything for fear that they'll be on here in twenty years time and someone will be advising them to "go NC."

IMO if SS have become involved then it's because the DD has said more to school than simply told them that he shouts at her. School absolutely would not inform social services if a child said that her SF shouts. Not a chance.

There is not a parent alive who has never shouted at their children. And the ones who might have made it that far probably have completely out of control children who have grown up without boundaries and have now gone from being labelled as "spirited" to "little shits,".

GwenStaceyRocks · 21/03/2017 15:41

swing we know the school have referred the matter to SS. They don't take the decision to refer lightly. I have no idea why you would try to minimise it.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 15:44

Actually case in point is a thread currently in aibu where the OP's partner's 20 year old daughter lives with them, calls her names, steals her car, steals her makeup and other stuff, and the mother refuses to do anything about it. I'd hazard a guess discipline was never part of her life growing up, and posters have been very quick to jump in to call the girl a complete bitch amongst other things....

aginghippy · 21/03/2017 15:48

I agree with WannaBe, if the school are making a referral to ss, there is more to it than just shouting. The OP could be minimising or maybe she has not been given the complete story.

Reow · 21/03/2017 15:48

Looking at a 2015 post they were 21, 15 and 9. So a year or so older.

I am guessing this is the 9-10 year old if SS are being asking to look into.

swingofthings · 21/03/2017 15:56

Sorry, swingofthings, dress it up how you like, but in my world, you're a bully and your teens will scarper as soon as say hello to you once they are beyond the need for your financial support.

Ha ha, DD is already working because you know, I am such a bully I have already shouted at her that if she doesn't earn her own money at 17, she'll be out of the door next week.

And such a bully that DD has already gone to get me a nice Mother's day present with the money she earns. Won't mention that if she was so unhappy with me, she would be welcome by her dad and SM to go and live with them!

orzal · 21/03/2017 15:57

I think the OP was hoping that someone had been in a similar situation and wanted to know what happened.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 15:57

And in 2016 she and the DP had been together for three years. So it's a long-term relationship.

swingofthings · 21/03/2017 15:59

swing we know the school have referred the matter to SS. They don't take the decision to refer lightly. I have no idea why you would try to minimise it

Because as it's been said already, the school has a duty to report, that doesn't mean that the child is being abused.

The nursery DS went to reported him to SS too because of a purple mark on his shoulder. They did look a bit foolish when they were told it was a birth mark, but although it was quite scary to be contacted by them, especially as I'd just become a single mum, I totally supported their action.

I am not undermining the situation, and indeed, it might very well be that the child is being abused by their SF, but we DO NOT KNOW from OP's post that this is the case.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 16:01

So the nine year old would be coming up to eleven now so y6.

So let's be absolutely brutal here, she is going to have said more to school than simply her SD shouts or she's scared of him. Because even "I'm scared of my stepdad" has a context. For school to refer an almost teen to SS whatever allegations have been made are going to be far more serious than that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2017 16:01

swing my dh is of Mediterranean descent and French. Dd gets upset when he shouts at her and I intervene.

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