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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My daughter has suddenly said she is scared of step dad

144 replies

Jojorobrob · 21/03/2017 12:25

Please can anyone help? I feel like my world has crashed in around me. Yesterday I was called into school as my daughter had confided that she is scared of her stepdad as he "shouts". Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?! The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner! Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine. (He has 2 children)
What can I do? I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter. How can we move forward from this? Is there a way? Counselling etc? Or do I have to accept it is over? We are in the middle of buying our first home together and now this all looks under threat. I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do!! Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:
ArriettyClock1 · 21/03/2017 13:04

Your poor daughter!

Please put her first, it doesn't sound like you are from your post.

PuntCuffin · 21/03/2017 13:04

Alternative viewpoint.
Maybe OP's discipline is lacking in boundaries and her DD is therefore not used to the more strict approach. I shout at my kids occasionally, that doesn't make me an abusive parent.
What age is the child? Is she old enough to be shit-stirring because she doesn't like there being a new man in her mum's life. Given that OP says they have had issues in the past, it is possible that the DD is not enamoured with living in the same house.

I am not saying this is what is going on, but there's a lot of assumptions being made on here already.

aginghippy · 21/03/2017 13:05

Why do you think it's a choice between losing your partner or losing your daughter?

The school are correct that they are required to report all child protection concerns to social services. That doesn't automatically lead to the child being taken into care, though.

FaFoutis · 21/03/2017 13:05

It is obvious isn't it? Put your daughter first.

I'm pleased the school reacted to this.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/03/2017 13:05

If the home situation is exactly as you describe - perfectly reasonable, legitimate, non scary discipline - then you will have absolutely nothing to worry about with SS. They will investigate, as they are duty bound to do, but they will find nothing to concern them and you will be discharged.

If this is not the case, and your DD is genuinely scared of her step-father, then you should not even be contemplating purchasing a house with him.

CatThiefKeith · 21/03/2017 13:06

'I can't lose him, but I can't lose my daughter either'? Telling that you put him first in that sentence OP. Where is dd's dad in all this?

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2017 13:07

You say you cannot lose him OP, before you mentioned you cannot lose your daughter Hmm. Your daughter comes first, always!

My own experiences? I had no idea of how frightened my DD was of her stepfather, he shouted too, but was very careful to ensure the worst of his abuse was when I wasn't around. He left, thankfully. However, DD had a nervous breakdown and our relationship has yet to fully recover as she feels I didn't protect her from a bully. If I'd known what he was doing, if she had confided in me, then he would have been gone immediately. Sod everything else, this is your CHILD.

For the school to have flagged this, there has to be more...

AntiGrinch · 21/03/2017 13:08

"I can't lose him" rings massive alarm bells for me. Why not?

Abuse by step fathers is common and is often enabled by a woman who thinks she "can't" be without a man.

I am not saying he is abusive or that you have to throw him out. I am saying that thinking you can't be without a man is one of the things that makes women feel too weak to protect their children adequately. (to be fair, being a single parent is materially hard and if single mothers were supported more and demonised less, maybe they wouldn't feel or be dependent on shit men)

Talk to someone sensible in real life about this and your feelings of "can't be without him". get counselling about that and SUPPORT YOUR CHILD

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/03/2017 13:09

Your partner sounds like an abusive arse, sorry.

Liska · 21/03/2017 13:10

The issue isn't the shouting, it's the fear. Some families are just more "shouty" than others - my DH is Greek, and his family shout and stomp about just trying to agree on where to go for dinner. He and dd definitely communicate in a different way to her and I, but no one is afraid of anyone else.

I have led training in abusive relationships, and one of the key things we discuss is how different relationships can be - some couples scream and shout and throw things, others never raise their voices. But what makes it abusive is if one person is afraid of the other. If your dd has always had a calm life, with discipline being one particular way, and now she has someone in her life who shouts at her and makes her feel unsafe, that is something you need to deal with.

A very important factor in this - how old is she?

TinselTwins · 21/03/2017 13:11

Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?

Um, no it's not, it's called losing it and using intimidaion rather than reason

I'm not perfect I occassionally shout if I'm having a bad day, but I own it as a discipline fail ! and apologise to the kids

It is NOT normal to use aggression and shouting as the default for household discipline

nuttyknitter · 21/03/2017 13:11

Shouting is never effective discipline - it's bullying. You need to put your daughter first.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/03/2017 13:12

My dc have a step father
Who occasionally raises his voice if initial requests are ignored.
He has never shouted - at them or me. .
But sure as hell his feelings would be way way behind theirs if it came to your situation.

Dm =protect your dc.

Chillidawg · 21/03/2017 13:12

People who spout that spiel 'I just cannot lose him' or 'I can't live without him' or that ilk give me the right ache.
I'm in a 33 yr long relationship with a man who is nothing but kind, wise, tolerant, considerate, non-shouty, non-controlling and our DC adore him.
Ask me who I'd put first. Actually no, ask MY DH who I'd put first and he'll say 'the kids, she'd chuck me overboard without a second thought'
Put your dd first.
'Just cannot lose him'. Pfft.

amusedbush · 21/03/2017 13:14

My mum was a very shouty parent and I was absolutely terrified of her as a child, which grew to me hating her throughout my teens. I don't look back at those years with any sort of warmth and I see her maybe three times a year.

She worked weekends while my dad worked Monday to Friday and being at home without her was the only time I relaxed as a kid because the second she set foot in the house, the bellowing started. The best days were when she got an extra back shift so she was out of the house until bedtime.

Do you want these memories for your kid?

FaFoutis · 21/03/2017 13:14

My mother stayed with a shouting man because she was too weak to put her children first (and they had bought a house together). The shouting was the tip of the iceberg, I'm still terrified if I hear a raised voice.

Liska · 21/03/2017 13:14

Chillidawg - yes! Not only would I put DD before DH without a second thought, I also know damn well he'd do the same - she comes first. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

MrsDoylesladder · 21/03/2017 13:15

"Can't lose him". Yes, you can. And should.
Did comes first. It really is that simple.

Pencilvester · 21/03/2017 13:15

It really fucks me off when people don't put their kids first.

user1482079332 · 21/03/2017 13:16

Op I'm sorry your daughter has had to confide outside of the family rather than yourself. This worries me along with stating you can't lose him. I hope this opens your eyes to what's been happening as unacceptable and you use this to make some serious changes in your household. Protecting your daughter comes first. Your only as happy as your unhappiest child.

SharkBastard · 21/03/2017 13:17

There has to be more to this. The school informing SS for shouting?

I think you need to step back and look at this situation, how can you let someone scare your child?

TinselTwins · 21/03/2017 13:18

However I also agree with Liska
e.g. DH sometimes shouts "OH MY GOD EVERYBODY IS ASKING ME THINGS, ONE AT A TIME!"
totally different to a physically dominant person standing over someone shouting aggressively

" which has terrified me and my partner! Do you even care how your daughter is feeling right now?

zen1 · 21/03/2017 13:20

Do you live with your partner at the moment OP? If not, maybe you should re-think things. You can't let your daughter grow up in an environment where she is constantly living in fear of being shouted at.

TheVeryThing · 21/03/2017 13:20

I would assume the school are contacting SS because the child has said she is afraid of him, rather than the fact that he shouts per se.
That suggests a level of aggression beyond the occasional raised voice.

NotCitrus · 21/03/2017 13:21

How old is she?
If a 4yo says their parent shouts and says they are scared, I'd expect the staff to assess whether the child is actually acting scared or whether it's one of the 100 bonkers things that small children say every day!

And also whether the parent is a loving friendly parent who happens to be loud sometimes, or one where the relationship only appears to be parent ordering child about, and that's done by shouting.

DH's family all shout loads and are also all lovely. My parents never raised their voices at all and mum was not lovely. Ds and his mates have competitions over who has the meanest and shoutiest parents (we're all reasonably mean, I'm not the shoutiest, but how many parents don't shout in the last 10 minutes before getting multiple primary school children out the door towards school?)

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