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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My daughter has suddenly said she is scared of step dad

144 replies

Jojorobrob · 21/03/2017 12:25

Please can anyone help? I feel like my world has crashed in around me. Yesterday I was called into school as my daughter had confided that she is scared of her stepdad as he "shouts". Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?! The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner! Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine. (He has 2 children)
What can I do? I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter. How can we move forward from this? Is there a way? Counselling etc? Or do I have to accept it is over? We are in the middle of buying our first home together and now this all looks under threat. I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do!! Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:
PolaDeVeboise · 21/03/2017 14:05

Op certainly appears more worried about the fact she might lose 'him'.

Vandree · 21/03/2017 14:07

Im sorry but the school called you yesterday? Have you not spoken to your dd yet?! First thing I would have done was go to the school to collect my dd and speak to her and find out whats going on. My dad never raised his voice to me, ever. If he did now I would be very upset and I am an adult. A strange man not my father shouting at me as a child and I would be scared too.

Vandree · 21/03/2017 14:12

You say you and your partner are terrified, how about your dd who was upset enough to confide in someone? Is she not allowed to be terrified? If a man raised his voice to my children he would have to remove his balls from his abdomen. My dh is a fantastic father but he works long hours so I am the default parent the majority of the time. My middle child would be inconsolable when he is cross or angry with her which is understandable because shouting from mum to get your shoes on for the 5th time and a very rare shout from a loud male voice for doing something wrong will get a different visceral reaction.

You say you cant be without him. Grow a back bone, talk to your dd and realise you dont need anyone as long as your children are cared for. 17 years with my dh and 3 kids but you bet your backside I can be without him.

FrenchLavender · 21/03/2017 14:12

I don't think it really matters whether he is justified in shouting at her as 'disciplined' or not. If there is tension between them and she dislikes him (for ANY reason) to the point where the school knows about it then you cannot realistically expect them to live together, and you need to choose your daughter over him. Children should not EVER be forced to live with unrelated adults who make them scared or unhappy or uncomfortable just so their parent can have a live-in relationship.

Rachel0Greep · 21/03/2017 14:13

I could not bear to think of a child being scared like that, and in their own home. Please, please OP, do not let this situation continue one second longer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2017 14:14

What else was said op?

Oldbrownowl · 21/03/2017 14:15

TooBloodyTired I apologise to my child when I shout because I have lost control and that is not how I want to raise him, I tell him off when naughty, I set boundaries and I can do all of that without shouting at him and frightening him.

I have make no rod for my back by apologising, i am showing him that i am fallible, i am sometimes wrong and i sometimes lose my temper and shout but above all i can say sorry when it's due.

Frankly i much prefer my way that just shouting at him, and it obviously works as i have a kind and well behaved son.

Just because you're bigger and louder doesn't mean you're right.

chickenowner · 21/03/2017 14:15

You don't need to shout to discipline children.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2017 14:17

OP appears to have done a runner . . . is this yet another case of Cock Before Kids? Come back, OP!

Reow · 21/03/2017 14:27

Since when does shouting have anything to do with discipline? Is that setting a good example for a child and showing her how to behave?

People shout out of anger, which instills fear. Is her bad behaviour so beyond talking to like a normal human being?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/03/2017 14:27

i hope to god OP is a troll , depressing.com

MammaTJ · 21/03/2017 14:27

SS will come and talk to you, talk to your DD and probably suggest a parenting course for you both.

If they suggest 'Tuning into Kids' grab it and go to it, it is brilliantly helpful and gives really good strategies about recognising your childs feelings and they right to have them but not to act upon them in a negative way.

They also encourage sharing of feelings with trusted people. So your DD was quite correct in talking to the school about it.

Accept help offered, work with SS and the school, help your DD and all will be well.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 14:34

How long has he known your DD and how old is she?

WaegukSaram · 21/03/2017 14:34

I know it's been said but shouting isn't effective discipline. We all lose our temper with our kids at some point but that should not be your go-to method.

I still remember the fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach when my mum shouted at me. Needless to say, we're not close now. I'm not a perfect parent by any means but I don't want my kids to be scared of me.

PutThatPomBearBack · 21/03/2017 14:36

I wonder where op isHmm under a bridge no doubt

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 14:37

These walls have known lots of shouting from child and parent, the teenage years have been tense at times. There is also lots of love. We all shout from time to time but I think her age is important here and how well she knows him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2017 14:38

How old is your daughter OP ?
Does he shout at you too ?
Do his children live with you ?
No man would be disciplining my daughter, unless they were her Father, or had brought her up, from a young age. If I thought my daughter had felt the need to confide, that she was scared of her SF, to a teacher in school, I would be devestated, for her.
You appear to be just as concerned, for him.
He will now be seen by others, for the person he truly is.
Don't shield him, you're her Mother.

MTWTFSS · 21/03/2017 14:39

Children should not be shouted at. End of. Shouting shows lack of control.

StarryIllusion · 21/03/2017 14:42

How is shouting discipline? It's losing your shit not discipline. I shout sometimes but usually to make myself heard over the fighting, not for the sake of it.

ChicRock · 21/03/2017 14:42

Interesting... all these comments that "I shout at my kids, but I'm sure they're not scared of me, they know we love them"...

I'm sure my parents would have said the same. But I've never forgotten that feeling of sick fear in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't wait to leave home and now see them as little as possible.

feedingducks · 21/03/2017 14:42

The first thing i noticed in your op was how you said you couldnt lose him before saying the same about your daughter. Shouting to the point a child is scared is not discipline but abuse. And you support him in that. Does he treat his 2 dc the same? From my own experiences being scared at home it is horrible and having the parent you trust let you down by minimising the abuse is the biggest rejection ever and hugely damaging. I still struggle with relationships now and cannot cope with anger.
I dont know why youre suffering at this, you are suffering at losing your dp not yout daughter. Get a grip and be a mother. Any man who frightened my kids would be gone immediately. The fact school are escalating this is telling in how serious theythink the situation is. Stop being blinded by 'love' and be the mother your daughter needs you to be. Your partner is a nasty bully.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 14:46

I work as a TA in primary. We are seeing more and more young children whose parents have recently split, crave attention. Sometimes it's a feigned injury, microscopic scratch or suspicious tummy ache. But other times they divulge information, sometimes untrue in order to get attention. It's as though school is seen as a safe constant in their quickly changing world, where they can get some time to be listened to.I'm not saying this is what has happened but could your DD be feeling unhappy with a new set up at home ? Was she questioned by staff or did she reveal that he shouts without prompting. How this information was gleaned is relevant.

gamerchick · 21/03/2017 14:47

No man would be disciplining my daughter, unless they were her Father, or had brought her up, from a young age

Yeah this is how we do it although he leaves most if not all discipline to me as I don't cave. If the OP is for real I'm glad they're feeling scared. Your bloke shouldn't be shouting at your kids and you shouldn't be allowing it.

NutellaLawson · 21/03/2017 14:53

The reason the school is getting AS involved is not because shouting is itself a cause for concern but because children rarely come out with the worst of things right away.

Its not uncommon for a child to say 'he gets cross a lot'. And then if you delve deeper the child might add that he shouts a lot. But this can be code for 'he's abusive ' and only after some investigating does the whole ugly truth come out.

Children can find it very difficult to assess how something they divulge will be taken. Approved of? Will it make ME look bad? Am I reasonable to not like this? Is this normal? They don't have AIBU to consult. So they drip feed. They open up slowly. The test the adult's reaction.

The teacher will know this and right now doesn't know whether it's all shouting or whether more serious issues are going to come out. Also, a parent who resorts to shouting to scare our intimidate a child to control them is probably not adept in parenting generally.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/03/2017 14:56

Fucking hell some of you have extrapolated a huge amount from one post.

A child stating they are afraid of a person in a parenting or care giver role is pretty much an automatic referral no matter what the circumstances. Because people who make referrals are not meant to also investigate circumstances.

We could be talking anything from a child/young person who got shouted at for genuine horrific behaviour from a normal loving family to a child who is legitimately afraid and any combination of things in between those two circumstances. There is not enough information to take either stance.

It's also fairly usual for people to be terrified at hearing something like that and be thinking about the worst that can happen.

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