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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My daughter has suddenly said she is scared of step dad

144 replies

Jojorobrob · 21/03/2017 12:25

Please can anyone help? I feel like my world has crashed in around me. Yesterday I was called into school as my daughter had confided that she is scared of her stepdad as he "shouts". Yes he does shout, I thought it was called discipline?! The worst thing is the school "have a duty to report to social services" which has terrified me and my partner! Yes him and her have had issues in the past, mainly with her behaviour, his parenting is way stricter than mine. (He has 2 children)
What can I do? I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter. How can we move forward from this? Is there a way? Counselling etc? Or do I have to accept it is over? We are in the middle of buying our first home together and now this all looks under threat. I cannot sleep, eat, crying all the time, just don't know what to do!! Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 21/03/2017 13:23

listen to your daughter, op. She is the most important person in this scenario.

MattBerrysHair · 21/03/2017 13:23

I'm terrified of shouting, always have been. I even find it hard to feel calm when my dc get angry and shout. If your dd is scared your dp has to learn to control his temper and find alternative forms of 'discipline', he simply must. No child should feel scared in their own home.

KitKats28 · 21/03/2017 13:23

Is he her step-dad? Or he is your latest "partner". I think some resident parents should learn to make more of a distinction between the two.

A proper step-dad who has brought the child up and contributed to their life in a meaningful way? Of course they should be involved in discipline. A random you've moved in because you can't be without a bloke? Fuck no. In fact if it was me, the first time he raised his voice to my child he would be gone.

doublestand · 21/03/2017 13:25

I would image that it is more that she is scared of him rather than the shouting. Teachers are not going to refer just for shouting at a child, my dc have had some very shouty teachers! My ds would say I shout at them all the time but actually I tell them off and don't usually raise my voice when doing so!

martiniescutcheon · 21/03/2017 13:25

Sadly I think the op has cock before kids syndrome. I feel sorry for her daughter.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2017 13:26

We all shout at our kids sometimes, yes it is the loss of control at mine and dh parts. Is there more to this! I was shouty on Sunday when my son who is 5, tipped pasta all over the floor first thing the the morning and was laughing about it.

Oldbrownowl · 21/03/2017 13:28

How old is your dd and how long have you been with your partner?

Have you spoken to your dd about how she feels?

I suspect all parents at some point shout at their dc, but if it is a daily/weekly occurrence then there is something wrong. Shouting is generally a lose of control or a form of trying to control by intimidating the other person. Either way it's not good.

I have shouted at my ds when he has been a nightmare all day and whenever I have, when I have calmed down I will always say sorry for shouting, mummy was wrong and we will have a kiss and a cuddle.

The bottom line is your daughter is frightened in her own home, you need to put her first. You can lose him and should if he is frightening your child to the point they are telling their school.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/03/2017 13:29

I've shouted at my kids, when they've pushed me over the edge and I've lost it. I'm not proud of it and I always, always apologise to my boys afterwards, we have a cuddle and a chat about it. They're not scared of me, thankfully, but anyone who did scare them would be out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the floor.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 21/03/2017 13:32

This sentence worries me: I cannot lose him but I also cannot lose my daughter

Your priority should be your daughter

PurplePen · 21/03/2017 13:32

No school reports to SS because a step dad shouts, there's clearly loads more you're not saying.

AdoraBell · 21/03/2017 13:34

What did they actually tell you? Just 'he shouts' or he shouts aggressively and scares the life out of the DCs?

And how do you feel when he shouts at your child?

There is a huge difference between raising your voice to be heard over the chaos and being verbally aggressive.

user789653241 · 21/03/2017 13:35

I have shouted at my ds. Feel bad about it. But I don't think he will be scared of me.
I think shouting from step parent who she has issue with(can she feel unconditional love from him?) is totally different from shouting from you.

Toobloodytired · 21/03/2017 13:45

Everyone is going waaaaay OTT here!

My dad shouted at me as a child, I was absolutely terrified of the guy! I feared him.

However, that was normal, I played up, I got shouted at!

Kids these days?? They've got far too much control over adults, they practically run free.

Sounds like she's got told off, didn't like it so ran into school to tell them she's scared!

Apologising to a child for shouting?? Get a grip, you do that, you might as well put the rod there yourself!

Miserylovescompany2 · 21/03/2017 13:45

Nobody deserves to be shouted at, especially a child. For her to confide in the school she must be petrified of him. You can be strict without raising your voice.

Does he shout at you OP?

FaFoutis · 21/03/2017 13:46

Your mother's partner shouting at you is not the same as your dad shouting at you.

Toobloodytired · 21/03/2017 13:48

My step dad did as my parents split when I was young, I didn't run to fucking school & cry about it!!

Mutella · 21/03/2017 13:51

EhTooBloodyTired yeh bring back the good old days where kids could be abused and if they spoke out they got a smack for making up lies

FaFoutis · 21/03/2017 13:51

Neither did I, but I should have done.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 13:54

'I didn't run to fucking school and cry about it'

What a disgusting way to talk about a child who has been brave enough to disclose sonething that is frightening them.

stitchglitched · 21/03/2017 13:56

And being absolutely terrified of your Dad isn't normal, it's shit parenting.

TrueBlueDem · 21/03/2017 13:57

They have to call social services because he "shouts"??? Wow. In the States there must be proof of abuse or claims of physical/sexual abuse. SS wouldn't be called because of shouting. Personally I think that's way overboard, and I'm someone who is extremely protective of kids...mine as well as those that aren't mine. Screaming/shouting is not great for the household or the kids, but I think the reactions on here are overblown.

Emeraude · 21/03/2017 13:59

The school would feel that they have to report it to SS if she has said she is afraid but it doesn't mean that SS will do anything about it.

Anyway, you should probably talk to your daughter.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 21/03/2017 14:00

No-one can help without more information and without you being honest about what has happened. I doubt very much that your DD has 'suddenly' said she is scared of her step-dad because sudden implies it came as a surprise to you and her.

diddl · 21/03/2017 14:02

"his parenting is way stricter than mine."

Doesn't mean it's right though, does it?

Kittylongpopping · 21/03/2017 14:03

If the school have reported it to SS then it sounds likely that there's been something more serious than 'shouting' disclosed by the child

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