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Original poster

I can't do this anymore.

127 replies

Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:23

I have officially come to the end of the line with co-sleeping. Last night dd didn't go to sleep until 10.35pm, despite being exhausted and me having been lying on the bed with her since 7.45pm. She continued to wake through the night, on and off, and consequently has gone to nursery in a very bad mood.

She is full of cold, and has a bit of a cough, but when I went downstairs with her at 9.25pm to beg dh for help so that I could eat my dinner, she was actually laughing and smirking, so I refuse to believe that she is feeling that unwell.

I have to get her sleeping properly. She is 14mo.

I have had enough. Please help me.

OP posts:
bundle · 30/07/2008 10:27

a friend of mine cosleeps and I think it's been v detrimental to her health. she always looks tired and gets a lot of colds and other infections. she knows my feelings on this and we just agree to disagree.
I think you having to beg for help and try to sneak in a meal at her behest just shows how this isn't working out for you (both).

If you feel ready to move your dd into her own bed then I'm sure there'll be lots of help from MN from people who've done it good luck!

gemmiegoatlegs · 30/07/2008 10:29

hi pinkjenny, sorry to hear you've been having a bad time. I agree you need to get her into a proper bedtime situation so yopu can get some rest ( and the all important mummy time!)

However, you do say she has been unwell. I think when you have a cold or other virus things are always worse on a night time , hence the smirking this morning. Start the battle by al means, but give her a couple of days to be fighting fit first!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 30/07/2008 10:34

routine?

my dd2 is a similar age we have never co slept but she does get v upset and wont settle if we deviate from her routine at all.

bath, massage with johnsons bedtime lotion story, both lay on the bed for a while and then into her cot, music teddy on timer for five mins lights out and sleep. she will sometimes 'whine' for a couple of minutes but i just listen out if her whining goes on for more than a few minutes or turns into proper crying i go up and we do the laying on my bed again untill she settles and then back into cot.

is she going to bed late enough/napping too much during the day? dd2 often gets upset if she is not tired enough to sleep, maybe you could try dropping a nap during the day?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:34

What do I do? I have always felt that CC was not the best option for either of us, but as she is so headstrong, is it the only way? Is this all my fault for letting her in our bed in the first place? Will she be traumatised?

I'm so upset and confused.

OP posts:
bundle · 30/07/2008 10:35

gemmiegoatlegs, she wasn't smirking this morning, she was smirking at 9.25pm

I'm not a big fan of Steve Biddulph but I remember reading one of his books (secrets of raising happy children?) and him talking about the "smirk" (real or imagined) that often followed a child's bad/manipulative behaviour that got an adult to do just what he/she wanted...

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:37

we did cc

not traumatised

dd's now 8 and 5, totally normal kids

think about it, it's taken 13 mths for her to get to this place. for it to take less than 13 months to "right" it, will mean some reaction will occur

leave the house if you have to

get dh to do it

it works

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:37

The routine is always the same, up to the point where we go upstairs. She throws herself about on the bed and eventually just 'crashes'. She doesn't settle down and go to sleep peacefully, she literally drops.

She tends to nap for between 1-2 hours in the daytime. Its all a big mish mash though when it comes to daytime sleep as she is with my mum 2 days and at nursery 2 days. Nursery do shush pat, and my mum just lets her 'crash' as well. I usually have so much to do when she's with me that she naps in the car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:38

I knew I might be criticised for saying she was smirking, but I swear, she is my dd and I love her more than anything in the world, but she WAS!!!!

OK, rant over. (You should have seen me last night!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:38

I knew I might be criticised for saying she was smirking, but I swear, she is my dd and I love her more than anything in the world, but she WAS!!!!

OK, rant over. (You should have seen me last night!)

OP posts:
popsycal · 30/07/2008 10:39

pinkjenny
we had years of this wirth ds2
i cant offer any solutions but can offer much symptahy
do you have someone at home to share it all with?
you need some time for yorself too to get some perspective and sleep

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:40

she has to learn what it feels like to go to sleep - not crashing or being patted, just that lovely, drowsy, comfy feeling, safe with her toys around her and a special blanket.

My girls both liked sleeping with my pyjamas as they smelled of me! Eventually I cut up the PJs into squares and dd1 used to take these silky bits of cloth to bed with her.

Is her bedroom dark? We used sleeping bags at both nursery and home.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 30/07/2008 10:41

im not sure if i do cc as dd2 doesnt really cry on a night when all things go well she just whinges. but i have for my own sanity left her screaming while i have fresh air when she has been teething and she doesnt seem at all truamatised.

i often left dd1 screaming for a few mins while i calmed down and she is very happy and healthy and no traumas.

and no its not all your fault my sister co slept with both of hers and only had problems with the second one. who screams everytime he is not in her bed but sh eis dealing with that with determination on her side.

you need to do what you feel you can cope with. if you dont think you could listen to her crying that thats not an option for you. if you could then dont feel guilty about doing it.

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:42

I wasn't criticising you for the smirking

My girls have done it, it's really hard to not give into them on some things. My posts make me sound like a bit of a tyrant but I'm not. I give my daughters a lot of leeway. But sleep is a bit of a sacred cow for me, I'm a bit of a..erm...cow without it!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:42

Dh is pretty useless, for a number of reasons. The first being that historically, his patience levels are not the best, and he does get wound up. And when he tries to settle her, I know she is crying for me, so I rush in and rescue her from him.

He also gets in from work usually just as I am trying to settle her down. She gets really excited when he comes in, and this doesn't help either.

My mum came to help me do CC once, and she ended up crying too!

OP posts:
bundle · 30/07/2008 10:42

has she got a cot?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:43

Bundle - I know you weren't.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 30/07/2008 10:43

mine smirks too! it must be a girl thing.

popsycal · 30/07/2008 10:44

From having this for 3 years plus you NEED sopme support. You will make yourself ill.

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:46

"rescue her from him"!

he's her dad! he's going to have to do this on his own one day!

if he's the kind of man who likes order, write it down for him - eg bath/bedtime (do at weekend) then quiet story, soothing words to her, explain It's Bedtime Now, Goodnight

make sure teddy etc there

if she cries, return and do the same soothing for a moment, but don't lift her out of cot

set timer for say 2 mins

then return again

set timer for a little longer, say 5 mins

return again

she will sleep! (eventually - though keep thinking abou the 13 months it's taken for her to get to this disturbed sleeping "pattern" - it will take hard work to change it!)

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 30/07/2008 10:46

Yes she has a cot. She used to start the evening in her cot, and come in with us at about 11pm. In fact, as recently as her birthday (17 May) she was still starting off in her cot.

We had a few family do's (sp) in May and she stayed up quite late a couple of nights on the trot, and just ended up coming to bed with us, this is how the current situation came about. She's not been in her cot at all since then.

I have blackout lining on her curtains, but I wouldn't say the room is pitch black.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 30/07/2008 10:48

Oh PJ. You know I can offer no advice to you on this but I'm here if you need me. You'll soon witness first hand what bedtime is like chezSOH.

I don't think CC is for you. I certainly don't think leaving M to do it for you is the way forward. I hope somebody can suggest another way.

What time are you starting her bedtime routine? Is it too early? M's not ready for bed until between 8 and 9.

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:48

doesn't need to be pitch black imo

just Dark says Bedtime

she thinks (because she trusts you) that bedtime is like that because it's supposed to be

fine imo to revert if child ill/upset with night terrors but I always tell mine "I'm going to put you back in xxx mins" or "tomorrow you sleep in your own bed"

popsycal · 30/07/2008 10:48

get her to go back in cot as the first stage
with ds2, it took MASSES of stages - it was just un-doable in one go

So stage one - at bedtime, she settles in her cot. Stay with her. When that is conquered, conquer the next part.

if you dont break it down into small achievable steps, you will lose the plot

I speak from vast-non-sleeping experience

maidamess · 30/07/2008 10:48

You and your dh have both got to be committed to CC if thats the route you want to take. So you will not be able to 'rush in' and rescue anybody! He can do it just as well as you.

I think CC is short term pain for long term gain. Sleep is precious, you are going mad without it.

I've done cc with all my 3 and it does work, if you can stick with it.

bundle · 30/07/2008 10:49

if you do decide to do this, don't change it to start with, eg no naps in car, replan your day until she readjusts