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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

TDWP and recent goings-on

496 replies

RowanMumsnet · 30/01/2014 13:55

Hello

We thought it would be useful to explain our understanding of what occurred last week between Zombie, Footsteps/TDWP, Rhubarb etc to try to clear up any misunderstandings.

When the situation started to develop last week, we absolutely did not know that Footsteps was TDWP. We unearthed something to suggest that she was near midnight on the night that everything was kicking off. At that point, one MNer was waiting in a public place to meet up with her, and we had been told by Zombie and by Nom that the police were aware of the rendezvous details and were standing by to help if anything went wrong.

We could see from some PMs flying around that posters were saying that the crime reference number checked out, and that the refuge had confirmed they had a space for her, so at this point we thought the best course was to keep channels of communication open. So we didn't ban Footsteps again at that point, despite having realised who she was. We did re-ban her once things had settled down and we had been told she was in a safe place. Given past history, TDWP is not a poster we would consider allowing back to Mumsnet permanently.

At various points throughout the evening we were in phone or text contact with Zombie and with Rhubarb, mostly trying to establish (as far as we could) what was going on and whether people were behaving safely. FWIW, we thought at the time - and still do - that it was a hugely risky thing to do, and not something we would advise or encourage. We would never recommend that any MNer goes into a situation like this, particularly not on her own. As most of you will know, we remind posters regularly that not everyone on the internet is who and what they say they are. We're pulling together some content on internet safety for adults and hope to publish that soon.

We asked Rhubarb at the time (before we had conclusive evidence about Footsteps's identity) whether she thought the person Zombie was meeting was a previously banned poster, and she said that she had no reason to think it was.

Pretty much everything else took place off-board and via channels that we have no access to - so beyond this account we aren't able to say with certainty what has gone on.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 30/01/2014 15:55

afaik no-one has said that rhubarb is a troll.

and as for posters being in a refuge who may be outed, this may sound harsh, but if someone is that vulnerable that you could be discovered on a thread then don't make yourself that identifyable. It's not rocket science, and mn is neither private nor anonymous. We shouldn't be risking putting other posters at risk in order to protect posters who are here through choice....

nomdemachin · 30/01/2014 15:55

Oh Blush Sorry.

No idea who DWP or TWA OR TINSUL are

MinesAPintOfTea · 30/01/2014 16:03

wannaBe sometimes people are vulnerable and make mistakes in how public they make information. And sometimes people who are in a vulnerable place mentally inadvertently or otherwise stir up outside people in drama.

From MNHQ's perspective, it would be very bad if a poster's vindictive ex were to find them through MN even if that poster had revealed things which it isn't wise to reveal.

That doesn't mean that how things played out last week was a good idea.

TaraLott · 30/01/2014 16:08

one of whom was apparently in a women's refuge having fled her abusive ex, and one of whom had said abusive ex ringing her mobile and knowing her RL name - telling us that leaving those threads up would compromise their physical safety.

Apparently I was wrong, the second poster was Rhubarb, why then Rhubarb, did you start yet another thread today on the same subject?

TaraLott · 30/01/2014 16:09

After having the other one's deleted for personal safety? Confused

ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 30/01/2014 16:19

And nom. Didn't you start the thread asking if anyone could vouch for Zombie?

nomdemachin · 30/01/2014 16:23

"And nom. Didn't you start the thread asking if anyone could vouch for Zombie?"

Yes i'm afraid I did

Rooners · 30/01/2014 16:28

You know the whole thing reminds me of that sketch in Little Britain with the guy in the wheelchair and his poor carer.

You know - people knocking themselves out to help while TDWP was sitting there in her bath going 'Oh I might not turn up, now, actually...don't think I can be bothered...'

She didn't sound like she was in danger tbh. Not at that point. Somehow there are certain people in life who JUST CAUSE DRAMA. They don't intend to - they may be in some degree of trouble - yet all who engage with them end up TOTALLY dragged through the mire.

It's a phenomenon of some sort. It has to be. And the protagonist is going on their merry way while there is chaos in their wake.

wannaBe · 30/01/2014 16:30

"From MNHQ's perspective, it would be very bad if a poster's vindictive ex were to find them through MN even if that poster had revealed things which it isn't wise to reveal." not as bad as if someone had come to harm last week because of those threads...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/01/2014 16:31

I hope Zombie is feeling ok. I hope Rhubarb is feeling as ok as can be expected.

But am so, so, so glad that HQ have decided to tell us what happened, because I know you don't always (for obvious reasons), and I think it shows how scary it all got, very fast.

I'm off to read Mme's thread now, but I was thinking maybe we could have a post, like the post with the list of rape myths, that is authored by HQ and which posters can just link to, on the subject of how to best help someone fleeing DV.

MothratheMighty · 30/01/2014 16:34

DrankSangriaInThePark makes a good point.
If you were a vulnerable poster in a bad situation and someone on MN offered RL help, the danger might be that having accepted it you find the help is from an abusive person, or an emotional vampire who thrives on the distress of others. Female or male.
You have no way of knowing, and reaching out over the net for anything other than online support could be lethal.

Oblomov · 30/01/2014 16:38

Goodness Me. What a Mess.

RowanMumsnet · 30/01/2014 16:38

@LRDtheFeministDragon

I hope Zombie is feeling ok. I hope Rhubarb is feeling as ok as can be expected.

But am so, so, so glad that HQ have decided to tell us what happened, because I know you don't always (for obvious reasons), and I think it shows how scary it all got, very fast.

I'm off to read Mme's thread now, but I was thinking maybe we could have a post, like the post with the list of rape myths, that is authored by HQ and which posters can just link to, on the subject of how to best help someone fleeing DV.

We're going to ask around for some proper advice on this and will pull something together when we're confident we'd be saying the right thing!

OP posts:
Rooners · 30/01/2014 16:39

I don't believe for a second that TDWP didn't know Zombie was salt of the earth. If she doesn't post regularly she surely lurks.

That was just an attempt to divert from people saying 'how can Zombie trust you'...she took that and spun it right round, very manipulative tactic

didn't anyone notice that? It was outrageous.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/01/2014 16:40

Thanks rowan! Now I've seen Mme's thread I see it's been suggested before, but I'm glad to know.

DrNick · 30/01/2014 16:43

so rhubarb spoke to TDWP apparently abusive ex H to whom a court has given custody of some kids

i am a little confused?

MothratheMighty · 30/01/2014 16:43

I think that is what happened in this case Rooners, but I was thinking about possible variants in the future. Including fishing expeditions by the ill-intentioned for vulnerable posters.

nomdemachin · 30/01/2014 16:44

That was just an attempt to divert from people saying 'how can Zombie trust you'...she took that and spun it right round, very manipulative tactic

That was me, not foots/whoever.

It was an attempt to be responsible.

Rooners · 30/01/2014 16:44

No the ex husband from before has the kids

The abusive guy is apparently a more recent husband. ?

I think

DrNick · 30/01/2014 16:44

did zombie take TDWP to the refuge in the end?

I dont under stand the sentence " she was around midnight?" what? the time?

DrNick · 30/01/2014 16:44

oh i see

he with the dry cleaning habit

and she is an addict is she?

nomdemachin · 30/01/2014 16:45

"so rhubarb spoke to TDWP apparently abusive ex H to whom a court has given custody of some kids

i am a little confused?"

Two different men/ relationships. Or that was the story

Rooners · 30/01/2014 16:45

'That was me, not foots/whoever.

It was an attempt to be responsible.'

Nope, it wasn't.

She asked on the thread. Can anyone vouch for Zombie? I am putting all my trust in a stranger' type of thing

You then started the thread asking about Zombie.

It was at Footsteps' behest.

DrNick · 30/01/2014 16:45

so shit TDWP could have been in Rhubarbs house all weekend?Shock

MothratheMighty · 30/01/2014 16:47

Yup, she could have been happily exploring Rhubarb's possessions, home and life with a free hand. Could have kept her interested for days.