Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

I guess the problems stem from a mismatch of libido. It all depends if you are content to be sexless and have a good relationship or want both.

I am intrigued if the signs are there from the start or does the sex stop after years?

It also depends on how you define a relationship,for me , a serious relationship involves sex, otherwise it’s a friendship. I know others will say that doesn’t have to be the case, but I feel DW and I are now just two friends who live in the same house as the sexual side has become virtually non existent. I don’t think the signs are necessarily there from the start, we had a very active sex life for many years, it’s probably only over the last five or six that it’s started to disappear, but is now at the point where personality I stop even trying

In my first marriage it quickly ended up in a 'dead bedroom' situation. That was down to me as I quickly lost all sense of spark and desire towards my DW. She just became sexually undesirable to my eyes. A glut of always seeing her in baggy, plain, beige and brown clothes - and underwear really didn't help. I was after excitement and I found that online and enjoyed a lot of masturbating.

I had two affairs with work colleagues. One wasn't sexual but we did enjoy kissing and had phone sex a few times together.

The second one was sexual and was pure bliss, totally intoxicating. We ended up getting married a few years later. Eventually despite being red hot at the start, life got in the way and our sex life dwindled to a few times a year.

I think early sexual experiences come to play a part in this. And after reading a post on this forum, my wife honestly didn't see herself as sexual at all. She could not understand why I lusted after her and wanted to have sex with her. At all.

She was small breasted and in her head all men wanted a woman with larger breasts. She even told her best friend that we should end up together because "you're blonde and have big tits!" - obvs her friend was mortified being told that loudly by my drunk fiancee at the time...

To all the people here who are struggling, I will say life is too short, and remember there is nothing wrong with you. However much you may feel that way at times. I know I struggled with guilt over the strong sexual feelings I had over the years..

I posted the following in another thread, but it's appropriate to repost here. I'm a 72 year old man and still have an active libido.

My wife's health wasn't great in her 30s, her libido faded and eventually disappeared and never returned. We discussed this on several occasions, but there was no solution. In the end I just had to accept the situation.
Apart from the lack of sex, our relationship has always been good. I considered looking to meet my needs elsewhere and I even developed a close relationship with someone else on-line. We met a couple of times, but although she was up for it and had had a couple of affairs previously, because her needs weren't being met by her husband, I bailed out before it developed into a sexual relationship. This was because of my own strong moral code which is that having an affair is not acceptable under any circumstances. Nor could I see myself being able to try to find a fuck-buddy, even if it was acceptable to my wife. Mentally, I don't think I could cope with that. So in the end it was a choice between divorce or just putting up with it and I chose the latter.

We haven't slept together for many years, partly because I apparently snore like a saw mill and keep my wife awake, so it suits me for us to sleep separately. I guess a life-saver has been the availability of on-line porn and I masturbate on most days to relive the frustration. It's far from ideal, but I've grown to accept it.
I don't know whether or not my wife is aware that I'm managing with DIY. It's never been mentioned.

I've been a reader of Mumsnet for many years and have seen this problem aired many times where one partner's libido has disappeared, much to the frustration of the other, and it seems to boil down to each case having to find its own acceptable solution.

It's easy for people to say that it's unfair on the frustrated partner and that the other should accommodate their needs, but if your libido goes, and if there is also a health element that may be partially responsible, you have to make a choice about what you're prepared to live with. It's not easy, but in the end I can't see any other solution.

This plays a big part in our marriage, we maybe have sex once a month, if that, but its all on me, she doesn't really get involved, hands and arms stay by her side while I go down on her, no interaction what so ever,

I think its time to end this as its been like this for a long time now and I can't cope with it. I just want to feel wanted, but I dont.

...And yet you're happy to carry on having sex with someone who clearly isn't into it? Doesn't sound like enthusiastic consent to me.

Yeah, fully understand what your saying.

Sounds like she’s not interested.

How old are you both?

Mid 40's, and yes I agree with you there.

I feel so alone, only got mates through a hobby of mine, so not really got anybody to chat to about it.

@Madmax29 how long has it been like that?

Quite a few years. It get mentioned and discussed a couple of times a year, it gets better for a few weeks, then just goes back to how it was. I always take on board what she says, and i almost always make the changes, but she never does, always moves the goal posts.

I really think its time to draw a line.

What does she say? What changes?

But, yes, maybe you need to draw the line and move on. Do you have children?

Makes an effort with me, agrees with what I'm saying. Like me telling her I feel alone, so she tries. But it feels like it becomes like to much hard work so goes back to old ways.

Yes, we have 1 child who is 16

Could be perimenopause @Madmax29 but doubt it. You need to be make sure she understands that you can’t go on like this.

I am surprised how often people say you should move on from a relationship due to a lack of sex. Maybe I live in a different world but my daughter comes first in everything. Caring for my wife and providing for my family is very important to me. I couldn't walk away from those things because my wife doesnt want sex.

I see no solution where I would be happy so I have to take the lows when they hit me hard and wait to come out the other side. It gets harder all the time, especially as I get older and realise that the excuse in my head that I'll have good sex someday is never going to happen. My hope now is that my libido drops through the floor with age and I will not care anymore.

I haven't been active on here for a while, as hubby did go to a bit more effort and I started to feel guilty.

But then the same old patterns ended up creeping in again. At one point, I even threw him out of our bedroom and said that if we act like roommates then that's what we should be.

We slowly got things back on track, but the few times we did have sex were not satisfying for me at all.

I'm back to being frustrated, lonely, and sad. Back on Fabswingers again, out of desperation to feel wanted.

I'm so fed up of having to bring it up again that I just want to give up instead.

I wish I could just get sex from elsewhere so I can scratch that itch without blowing up my whole life, but I know I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.

Feels like a hopeless situation.

Such a sad thread, stumbled on accidentally but def makes me worry for my own situation. Early 40s F, married to M same age. Not blowing my own trumpet but people are shocked when they find out my age, gym goer etc. Love sex but also that connection that comes with good sex in a good relationship. Married a decade, started out red hot vibes and mega chemistry but he never initiates…. Same routine…. Never says i look hot or sexts etc. I feel so deeply undesired, and I have no idea what to do. Never had an issue like this before….

Summer season is here, and my mum is babysitting the kids so my wife and I can get 5 days away in the sun. Sounds ideal? Except I’m secretly dreading it.
You’d think a child free break would be the perfect time to DTD, but our sex life is non-existent. Now I just feel massive anxiety about the whole thing. The constant "will we / won't we" dance in my head, the obvious dodges and avoidance from her... it’s exhausting. Anyone else actually find kid-free trips more stressful when the bedroom has gone cold? aargh :-(

Yep that would be a nightmare. I am in the same boat but quite frankly would rather just sleeping in different rooms.

I am not interested in sex with her as I am not attracted to her at all so would make things a lot easier.

Why have you arranged childcare for a holiday that you are “dreading”? Wouldn’t it be better to go on a family holiday where you can enjoy family time? Why all the effort to go on a couples’ holiday that you’re dreading?

@PTown maybe use the time away to talk about it?

@thelastkingdom would it be good to speak to your wife before you go away? How and what was the conversation before you decided on this couples holiday? Was there a discussion it was to relax and reconnect? I would be very sad to go away with my partner and be doubting if we would have sex.

So why do you stay with her.

Thanks to those posting suppport, and for the DMs.

I am actually attracted to my husband, and we used to have a good sex life. We have been together 13 years, so it may be natural for sex to dwindle, but we have talked about it over and over again and nothing changes long term.

Being parents makes it harder as well, practically as well as emotionally.

I just miss intimacy. I miss my own sexual confidence, which I have really lost. I look back at how confident and empowered I was when I was younger and I'm in awe of that now. Will it ever come back?

Read and followed this thread from the start, sad how many are in the same or similar situation, I’ve seen lots of suggestions as to how to resurrect sex life but wonder if anyone has actually managed. I’ve certainly tried the talking, the date nights the trips away but none of them resolve anything, other than actually separating, had anyone found anything that helps