He’s met someone else 💔

[FajitaFriday]

Please help me. I’m breaking down. My partner and I have been having relationship problems for a while but after he came back to me in August I thought we were working on things.

We’ve been together 12 years. We have a 10 year old daughter. He’s my best friend my only friend.

Since Monday he’s been saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and promised everything but he’s been so cold and adamant that he doesn’t love me like he used to and it’s over.

Cut to tonight he comes back home and I start up crying and begging him to give me another chance but he wasn’t interested then I ask him if he’s met someone else AND HE SAID YES. He won’t tell me who she is. He won’t tell me where he met her. Apparently it’s been going on for 5 days and nothing has happened just talking. That means nothing to me, we’ve been loyal to each other our whole relationship even during breaks (about a week long before he comes back) in my eyes he might as well have fucked her.

I’m completely in shock. We’ve been here before and always managed to work things out over a week or two but never anything like this.

I don’t even know what else to write here I’m shaking and crying and just want to kill myself. And I just want him back so badly STILL.

Please help if you can I have no one else to turn to and I don’t know how to get through the next hour let alone the rest of my life without him.

Thank you for reading x

To a certain extent we make our own happiness in life.
I know it hurts now but you can be happy again. You need to focus on your daughter and being the best mum you can to her.
I suggest going to the doctors and telling them how you’re feeling.

This will be really scary time for your daughter and your behaviour now will have a massive impact on her life. She is the most important person in all of this.

When you said you were drinking a lot before- are you an alcoholic? I’m not judging I’m curious as it makes a massive difference to how you can function as a parent and what is best for your daughter.

Is her dad a good parent?

Don’t berate the OP for breaking down, it is normal. The daughter will survive. It’s unacceptable for the man to be acting so heartlessly and cold/warm to OP, and to keep having more children then leaving the mum.

OP— you will have people. You’re going to build a new more stable life. Go and see your GP and get some help.

I’m sorry OP but no one breaks up a 12 year relationship for someone they met 5 days ago and have only talked to. That’s bullshit. It will have been going on much longer and he has reached a point where he is telling you he no longer loves you or wants to be there. That is the reality. Whilst it’s painful, you can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love you. Instead of trying to fix the relationship, (which you can’t because it would take both of you and he doesn’t want to) work on fixing yourself. Work on your self esteem and building connections so you have other support. You can’t build your life around one person it’s not healthy. Him leaving for periods and coming back when he wants and you begging him to stay is not a healthy way to live. I would not beg any man who was cheating on me , I’m worth more than that and so are you. A lot of us have been through it, it is tough but life will get better if you take the focus off him and put it on yourself and your daughter. Take one day at a time.

And here we have it, bless you. This is not your fault - it's the age-old story.

'Man isn't getting as much sex as he wants at home so he goes somewhere else to get it.'

That's it. The sum total of most men's emotional involvement with their families.

It's not love. It's a trauma bond. Having him as your only friend & relying so heavily on him is not healthy. Let him go. For good. This is not what love looks like.

OH OP I am so sorry. I was there my husband left me for someone else We did eventually work things out after 16yrs of marriage but honestly it changed me forever. I personally would recommend therapy immediately for you and also a doctors visit for immediate medical help for you. Your stressed. I use to cry in the shower. It was horrible. I get it. Love to you.

I may be way off track here OP but my first thought on reading your OP is that there is no other woman. He’s told you repeatedly that the relationship is over and you can’t accept it. It’s extreme, but if you look back at what you’ve said, it seems the relationship has been on shaky round for some time and despite making his feelings clear, you’re still begging and pleading for another chance, so he’s thrown another woman into the mix in the hope that it will bring things to a close.

It’s very hard, but relationships end and no matter what you say or do, you’re not going to change his mind - even if you did he would be staying for the wrong reasons and you’d only be delaying the inevitable. You need a bit of me time now to get your head together. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better future for you and your daughter.

I remember your last posts. So this is the same guy who left you in September, came back, and then left you again / blocked you on all his devices because you didn't want to have sex with him when he returned and you were re-establishing your relationship.

He's no prize, is he? How many times has he left you and come back, and then gaslit you into thinking you're the one who's somehow lacking?

He's playing games and you deserve so much better than his yoyo-ing and mind games. You can't live like this.

Didn't you mention in your previous post that you turned to religion in times of need? Could you turn to that again now?

You've been together 12 years but he has a 13 year old daughter?

OP it isn't the end of the world but I know it feels like it right now. I've been here. You will be absolutely fine but you will just need to tough out the next few weeks/months. Look after yourself.

At the moment you are in shock and everything is so raw. You won’t see it now but you will be ok in time. It just takes time to heal.

You will look back at your relationship and know that it was the right thing to do but for now just take each day as it comes. It will be hard but you will do it. ❤️

Look on today as the first day of you finding your strength. Gently, you could sit and cry and give up from here til eternity, but it’s not going to change things. However daunting it might seem atm, you need to find strength to go forward. Take time today, whilst your dd is not there, to sit down and look at what you need to do. If you’re not married and the house is his, then look out there at rentals for now. Find out what benefits you’re entitled to by going online to see if you can get support with a rental. Look at jobs out there which fit in with your dd. Do the school do wrap around child care? Assuming your dp works, as he’s out of the house, look through paperwork, photocopy income evidence. Check out solicitors in your area who do free initial meetings. I suspect the woman who he’s saying has been there for 5 days, has probably been there a lot longer. Men who have affairs frequently do this, because it paints them in a better light to say someone has just appeared on the scene, than admit they’ve been there a lot longer. He’s probably lying to you. You’ll feel a lot better today once you’ve researched and planned a way forward. Then calmly tell him that you will be picking up your dd up either tomorrow or Monday. You really need to find your strength, because the alternative is going to be just falling into oblivion. If you need advice today on stuff, just come on here and ask. Many on mn have been in your situation once upon a time, me included. You can do this OP.

No, your ex can look after her can't he? It's the least he could do isn't it?

I think most of us have been there, OP. Don't dismiss others' experiences as being 'not as bad' - I was absolutely distraught and if it hadn't been for my children I don't know what I would have done.

This is the worst it will ever be though. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking life minute by minute. I found just talking to people, anyone, doctors, counsellors, anyone, about what had happened helped. As though it got things out of my head. If you truly don't have anyone to talk to, try writing it down in a journal. It will be good to track your gradual process of recovery.

Sorry OP but I think you need a head wobble. This relationship does not sound healthy at all. You need to look at a future for yourself and start building relationships with friends.

Don't answer him. He doesn't deserve it - the best thing you can do is agree to split, then dont text him unless you need him to look after your child while you work, why should you suffer?

Ok @FajitaFriday , tough love time. You wallowed last night so that’s over now. Big girl knickers on, head and tits up, quite aside from the fact he’s just a man you have a daughter and need to get a grip. It is hard, that’s ok, you will be fine but you need to start taking steps now.

I'd like to know how he left a former partner when their child was a year old.
The daughter who is now 13 and you've been with him for 12 years.
How did you feel then knowing he had a 1 year old daughter?

He's not a nice man.

You can't see it now, but it looks as if you became completely dependent on him emotionally and also financially.

In time you will see this break up as a new start.
You can find work, perhaps more qualifications, make friends, be an independent woman who doesn't 'need' a man.

I assume you are in your 30s- you have your whole life ahead of you.
See this as a turning point.
And I agree with others who say you could benefit from talking to a counsellor. You need help in identifying real love, rather than accepting any old shit from a man.

I think people telling you to pull yourself together mean well, but I understand why you are feeling and reacting like you are. It’s one of the worst feelings and it’ll feel awful for a long time BUT it will get better. You will slowly start to feel better. He won’t want you or regret his decision whilst you are like this. You’ve got to make him miss you. You might not even want him back eventually.

They have been piloting an online chat service

Some tough love here, OP. My parents split when I was 13 and my childhood ended that day because I then spent the next 5 to 6 years putting my Mum back together.

Right now, your heart is breaking but you still have to be a Mum to your DD. Have a good cry/scream, keep posting here but do not put this on her shoulders. When she comes home later, tell him he's not to come into the house he's to drop her off and you need time/space away from him. You can tell her you're sad and upset etc but try to stay together when she's there. Keep to your normal routine, make sure you're drinking if you can't face food. You'll get through this

Oh love! It’s hard now but it won’t feel like this forever. You deserve better treatment than this, you need to remember that. Whether that is alone or with someone else in the future. It will get easier with time and you will start to see him for what he is.

This is simply not true. You have yourself and that is the most important relationship of all. This is the one you need to work on. Feeling like there's no point without him is wrong on every level. One of you was always going to leave the other either through choice, illness or death.

You need to take this time to plan some changes for yourself. I know you're not up to it now but use the next couple of days to just eat, sleep and get some fresh air.

You have other people too, you just don't realise it yet. They are all around. Make a promise to yourself that 2027 is going to see you change your life, meet some people and feel better.

Sorry you're going through this OP.
There have been so many wise words already - I would also recommend the book 'It Begins With You'. I've been listening to the audiobook and it's very good on healing toxic patterns in relationships and learning to love yourself.

Think of your daughter, please. You owe her that. You don't owe your ex anything. You and he are adults, she is a child. Focus on her and her upbringing and happiness, not yourself. She needs a reliable stable mum. That is far more important than whether you and her dad are together or not.

Sweetie, of course you're upset. But your response is disproportionate (borderline suicidal thoughts). P,ease got to your GP to see what help and support is available to you