He’s met someone else 💔

[FajitaFriday]

Please help me. I’m breaking down. My partner and I have been having relationship problems for a while but after he came back to me in August I thought we were working on things.

We’ve been together 12 years. We have a 10 year old daughter. He’s my best friend my only friend.

Since Monday he’s been saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded and promised everything but he’s been so cold and adamant that he doesn’t love me like he used to and it’s over.

Cut to tonight he comes back home and I start up crying and begging him to give me another chance but he wasn’t interested then I ask him if he’s met someone else AND HE SAID YES. He won’t tell me who she is. He won’t tell me where he met her. Apparently it’s been going on for 5 days and nothing has happened just talking. That means nothing to me, we’ve been loyal to each other our whole relationship even during breaks (about a week long before he comes back) in my eyes he might as well have fucked her.

I’m completely in shock. We’ve been here before and always managed to work things out over a week or two but never anything like this.

I don’t even know what else to write here I’m shaking and crying and just want to kill myself. And I just want him back so badly STILL.

Please help if you can I have no one else to turn to and I don’t know how to get through the next hour let alone the rest of my life without him.

Thank you for reading x

This is very good advice.

You are stronger than you think op. 💐

That’s such a horrible thing to say when you have a child. You don’t feel there is any point to life, and everything is pointless, when you have a child? The thought of Xmas with your child being pointless, a cuddle with your child being pointless? To be frank, if this is what you think of your child, it may be best they go live with their father if he sees a point to them being in his life.

You also need to take the opportunity to have friends and do things. I’ve been married for decades and love DH but if he left me or died, while I would be sad (admittedly sadder if he died than left me), it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I wouldn’t have nothing, and I know I’d be okay. I have friends outside of DH (additional to our ‘couple friends’, these are just ‘me friends’), I also do things outside of my relationship with DH, hobbies and interests he has nothing to do with, a fulfilling work life, (adult) children that I would still have in my life, so life would definitely not be pointless. You need to build this and include your child as being of value in your life.

I think so many posters will feel exactly as you feel now.
But it comes from dependence on one person for everything, not just love.
Once you are sitting sobbing begging someone to stay, things are over.
Your relationship is so volatile and has probably been over for a while.
You will be full of fear now because this relationship is all you know.
Both the good and bad news is that you will never feel more lonely than you do right now.
Living the way you have been, including the drinking, is no way to live.
Please don’t start drinking again.
Your daughter will also be upset at the loss - she will lose a father figure and someone she sees as a sister.
Think about her right now. You can salvage the relationship between these girls, but it requires effort and stability.
At the lowest point in my life a good friend says to me - someone who had been through a terrible tragedy - said, nobody is coming to save you.
I was angry and hurt by it - but it got me thinking.
You need to build a better life for you and your daughter.
At her age she needs her mum. She needs stability and consistency.
The relationship she’s been viewing - yours - is not a good model for her.’The constant backward and forward - is that what you want her to do when she’s older?
Cuddles with her should be the most important thing in the world. Put her welfare first and you will rebuild your life.
Put the energy you have wasted on him into her.
Avoid trying to meet someone else to fix it - you will attract terrible men when vulnerable.
You can have a lovely Christmas with you and your daughter.

Great post and advice. 👆

Meanwhile he has your daughter?

you are your daughters legal parent and care giver. This dick has absolutely no right to take your daughter away from you.

please come to your senses, dry your tears and click into parent mode. Your daughters safety is more important than your love interest. Surely you can see that.

I think he did the right thing to take the daughter out of a situation where her mother was on the floor screaming and crying. No child needs to see that. Daughter is safe for tonight and OP has says her partner plans to collect her after work tomorrow, presumably to take her home.

He is also his daughter's legal parent and care giver (she is their joint/shared daughter). And taking their daughter out of the house was for her safety.

It was understandable that you were desolate last night and reacted with a lot of emotion.

Today, try to get yourself together and hold your head up high. You haven't done anything wrong. He had this other woman lined up for ages so your relationship wasn't a fair one, even if it's true he hasn't been physically cheating on you with her. Please stop blaming yourself, it was him who wasn't really trying to make the relationship work and was emotionally cheating with someone else. Plus none of us are perfect.

Today is a new day. Explain to your daughter that you were very upset last night but you're ok today. One step at a time to get through the day.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened. Like you , once when I was heartbroken I fell apart and screamed into my pillow for days until he agreed to come back to me. I have learned a bit about rejection sensitivity disorder and it has helped me make sense of all that time. All my life really!

The thing I want to say is... by all means cry into a pillow, but once the day starts you need to dust yourself off and get on with the day for your child's sake. You need to get a new job, sort your housing, and go through all the motions. This is a very formative time for your child and she will be very knocked down by this. Even if she is not showing it. In fact, she may be holding it together for both of you. You can be heartbroken, and I am sending all my hugs to you, but you need to be practical and cold about this. You WILL feel better, but while you don't, you need to pretend. Best of luck.

Op you can do this. If you want rather then telling you to crack on how about we do something else today. If you like we can make this thread sleep over with the girls. And we can talk through moan cry shout and maliciously gossip. Mumsnet girlfriends special.

OP, please stop begging, pleading and screaming at this man. This relationship doesn't sound healthy at all and several things stand out:

He's your only friend - why?!
You've stopped work - why didn't he?
You 'used to drink a shit ton' - often a mask for depression
You're chain smoking - you are poisoning yourself

He is lying to you. No-one ends a 12 year relationship based on talking to someone for five days. Being on benefits will be for a period of time while you rebuild your life. You woll come out of this stronger and happier.

I know what it's like to be in hospital and they ask who have you got and you say have to say no one and they look at you like you are odd. But there are people who can help. Like GPs. The OP was talking about killing herself DB and look how many people on this board have come to talk to her. Imo that means she's not
Truly alone. Also I'm a Christian and the OP talked about praying. So (and I'm entitled to reference my God) imo She is not alone, she does have several people and one mighty God she can call on to help.

Btw. I won't be mentioning this anymore if you come back at me with anti god statements or comments, it's dull. You are entitled to your opinion and I mine. If the op wants to talk about spiritual matters she can pm me. My fellow believers have helped me enormously in my life and it may be that the OP might need some help via me if she chooses to find a loving welcoming church. In any case in my view. No one will love you more than Jesus, who died for your sin to reconcile you to God. Call on him isy advice. Not just to OP but everyone.

I won't be commenting anymore on this thread.

OaO

I'm sorry to have to be blunt OP, but you need to "mother-up".
You are sounding very selfish and out of control.
You can't see yourself having another nice Christmas? He's not Santa for God's sake!
Surely the be all and end all for you at Christmas is your daughter. You have a duty to focus on her.
How is she so insignificant to your happiness?
You've got a lot of repairing to do after your behaviour yesterday. She will be very frightened. You are her role model.
What support are you receiving for your depression? If it's just from your GP, you need to book an appointment with them to discuss your current feelings and situation.
They can assess if you need a change in your support plan.
You mention having been a heavy drinker until a few weeks ago. Does your GP know this? You need to focus on avoiding relapse. Have you had support with this? Your GP can refer you to appropriate support.
Please speak to your daughter's school, so that they are aware of her current homelife. They can support. Is there a family support worker at the school? Seeking support is a very positive step forward. You need to be very open and honest about your DD's experiences, and how you are feeling and behaving.
As a PP said, you DO have people to support you. There are professionals, organisations, charities. You have to be willing to ask for support - for your DD's sake.
Think "what can I do to keep my daughter feeling emotionally safe and supported?" School can help you see a way forward.
You can do this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I assume you’ve phoned your DD and apologised and told her that you’re ok.

She is the most important one here.

I am going to be blunt.

This relationship doesn’t work and hasn’t done for a long time.
He will be more involved with this woman than he’s letting on.
And gently, how you are behaving is going to reinforce his decision and make him not feel bad and want to leave even more.
He’s also likely telling the OW how U you’re acting and how this is why he’s leaving etc

I hate telling women not to show their emotions but I have seen it enough times to know how men feel.
We only shout and cry when we care - he knows this.
As long as you’re shouting and crying, he knows that he can click his fingers and you’ll come running.

Imagine yourself in 20 years time. Older, wiser, in a good place, settled in a place you want to be with friends you have made over the years but this man is history to you . Really try to see yourself sitting there.

Now imagine your daughter comes to you and says everything you have posted here. What would your advice be to her? That her whole world should revolve around this man? That this is a healthy relationship and she should stay despite there being no love from him and he has found someone else? That she is nothing and life isn’t worth living without him? I can 100% guarantee that you wouldn’t be saying any of these things-you would be encouraging and supporting her to quit begging for crumbs, rise up and be free from the drama and toxicity. Well now it is your turn to have self worth and fight to be free - be an example to your children in how not to be a doormat.

As my granny said, no man is better than the wrong one.

You only get one life, this man you chose is one of billions on the planet - wanting to die because he doesn't want you is totally irrational. Wanting to stay with someone who doesn't love you, if he ever did (anyone who can be as cruel as he has been may not even have the capacity to love) is daft. You have to try to be rational and accept it.
It does not matter who his new woman is, but ask him if she knows he has a child. Talk to a divorce lawyer , and make sure good child maintenance, you keeping the house until at least your child is an adult and plenty of visitation/co-parenting is included in you settlement- good luck.

There are people like the Samaritans, Citizens Advice and mental health support groups who will help.

I commented last night, but I was still thinking about it this morning and I wanted to add something. Imagine if in 20 years time your daughter came to you and said about her boyfriend: “Mum he’s left me and now my world has ended and I have nothing to live for”. What advice would you give her? Because I can’t imagine any parent saying - “yes, you are worthless without him, nothing will ever be good again”.

Instead, you’d be telling her how much you love her and how much she has to live for. That yes, it’s hard, but she will be ok and life moves on. If it was me, I’d also be telling her you have to accept it if somebody leaves you and you have to be really strong and keep on until things feel better etc.

Give yourself the advice you would give your daughter!

Kindly, no man is worth dying for.

And your relationship sounded toxic and claustrophobic.If you have no friends you seem to have isolated yourself.

Do not lower yourself to beg him.
He's not worth it.

Get the practical stuff sorted and in time, you can rebuild your life with friends.

Samaritans have withdrawn their email service jut FYI sorry cross post !

Op I've been her I was pregnant with 3 kids . Its extremely hard but you get through it . You go through a range of emotions and it's terrifying. Big hug for you . It's a process . Ultimately he's a cunt and she's won no prize . Life will go on and you will be happier in the long . No one will make you feel better right now . Do you have family to lean on for supporr ?

There is the other support charity called SHOUT.
They use text support.

You will need to look for a job.

Your children are in full time school so there is no reason why you can't work.

It's in the past now, but I don't get why you gave up work at night. Was your partner not in the house looking after your children? Or did he work nights?
Why couldn't you work during the day like many women with children the age of yours?

@Kippergodzillar its a shame that Samaritans have withdrawn the email options. It was brilliant for when I couldn't speak without welling up

If you have a step daughter, he has other children from a previous relationship?
Yes?

So this is now another relationship he's ended.