Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Night in police custody

301 replies

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 18:54

I’m so upset writing this, I’m still shocked at what’s happened and don’t feel ready to speak to anyone in real life yet.

last night my boyfriend and I had an argument, he was verbally aggressive and started to make me feel scared that he was going to assault me, I phoned the police - which might sound extreme, but I really did feel like it could’ve become physical at any moment.

After I called the police I went upstairs and waited in the bedroom, 3 officers arrived quite quickly. 2 of them came upstairs to talk to me and 1 stayed downstairs with boyfriend. I was explaining the situation to the 2 offices when shortly after the 3rd officer came upstairs, he said that my boyfriend had said that I’d assaulted him by punching him in the face 4 times and he had marks on his face.

I said this was completely not true and that he must’ve marked himself when I was upstairs. I showed them my hands which had no signs of hitting anyone and said that surely if I’d hit him 4 times I’d have marks on me from where he’d defended himself or tried to restrain me. The office said that given his allegations they’d have to arrest me.

I was taking into custody at about 9:30pm and was there for 18 hours. It was the most upsetting experience ever, I’d never even been inside a police station before yesterday, I didn’t have a clue what to expect (other than what I’ve seen on tv), I was scared at what could happen and also in utter disbelief that I was being treated like a criminal when I’d called them because I thought I was at risk of being assaulted. The cell was freezing cold with a bright light on all night, I had to wear a grey tracksuit and lay on a mat with a thin blanket. I wasn’t offered a drink for about 10 hours, no food, obviously no access to my phone which was upsetting as I was supposed to be picking my children up this morning from their dads. I just sat on the mat for all those hours, pretty much crying the entire time other than the 40 mins when I was with the solicitor and having the interview.

The outcome of the interview was no further action, I was then released after the paperwork was completed.

when I turned my phone on, immediately there was a call off boyfriend - he told me
how he hadn’t slept all night and was upset and didn’t mean for me to be arrested and that he hoped we could work through things.

I then got an uber to his house - to collect my car and belongings that were still there, when I arrived he was dressed smartly, I asked where he was going and he said to have a pint with his mate to relax.

I’d had the worst day of my life and was an emotional wreck and he felt he needed to relax!!! I told him I never want to see him again and drove home.

I’m home now and just so so upset - my boyfriend lying and having me arrested, the way the events went with the police, being in the cell for all those hours which felt like torture, the worry over not being able to contact children and then finally the lack of compassion from him when I was released, not that I wanted to spend time with him, but him arranging to go out with mates while I was still in a cell is so insulting.

I don’t really know why I’m posting :( reading this back I can’t believe what’s happened

OP posts:
NewLifter · 08/11/2026 18:57

I am so sorry OP. Did they refuse you having a phone call to your children's father? It sounds like you were treated very inhumanely. I would look into lodging a formal complaint.

trapdooragain · 08/11/2026 18:58

You need to leave him this has happened once it will happen again

To be clear

If your innocent he will do it again
If your guilty YOU will do it again

Splitting up is the best outcome

Allowingthebreeze · 08/11/2026 19:00

His behaviour after this incident will be like Russell Brand and the dog. Coax you back to kick you back down the stairs. Block. Immediately

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/11/2026 19:01

Im sorry, that’s awful. It’s well known that many abusive men do this when their victim involves the police.

DARVO is the acronym: Deny Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

It sounds like you’re well out of the relationship, and it could have ended with you getting hurt, given how controlling and manipulative his behaviour was. Take care and be kind to yourself. This wasn’t your fault Flowers

Topseyt123 · 08/11/2026 19:02

Well, at least the relationship is now hopefully over and you are split up. See that it stays that way.

SuziWithAnEye · 08/11/2026 19:03

Surely he’s your ex-boyfriend at this stage?

I don’t understand why you didn’t leave when he was getting aggressive, if you had your car with you?

thistimelastweek · 08/11/2026 19:04

Never ever allow yourself to be alone with this man again.

Cardhey · 08/11/2026 19:04

Hope you have dumped him???

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:06

NewLifter · 08/11/2026 18:57

I am so sorry OP. Did they refuse you having a phone call to your children's father? It sounds like you were treated very inhumanely. I would look into lodging a formal complaint.

I was allowed to make a phone call to him after I’d had the interview, by which point I’d already missed pick up time.

my children are old enough that we text and arrange pick ups between us rather than through their dad so I knew that I would’ve had missed texts / calls and that they’d be worried and that’s what upset me more than anything, rather than it just being because I was late. I also didn’t know what excuse to give for being late and then looking a total state when I picked them up. I made up a lie and feel guilty for that.

OP posts:
bettyrubble99 · 08/11/2026 19:08

Let this show you his true colours OP. Do not go back. Sorry this happened to you. Try not to dwell on it too much.

strangerontheinternet · 08/11/2026 19:08

Block him, never see or speak to him again or he will ruin you and your children’s lives and your relationship with your kids.

Cantgetausername87 · 08/11/2026 19:08

I'm sorry this happened to you. Agree with PP regarding DARVO - exactly what my ex husband did. Keep well well away from him. Block him now and have zero contact with him. Any issues then apply for a non molestation order. I've said it already today but if you're worried about his behaviour afterwards please call womens aid. Its really important that you look after yourself and I'm sorry that this happened x

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:09

SuziWithAnEye · 08/11/2026 19:03

Surely he’s your ex-boyfriend at this stage?

I don’t understand why you didn’t leave when he was getting aggressive, if you had your car with you?

I’d had two glasses of wine and my eye sight isn’t very good with night driving and it was over an hours drive home. With hindsight I wish I’d booked a hotel and got an uber and just got myself from his house for the night. I thought the police coming and talking to him would make him calm down

OP posts:
QuirkyHorse · 08/11/2026 19:10

Why are you calling him your boyfriend?
Surely you should be saying ex.

It sounds toxic. You calling the police 'just in case' he assaulted you and then him calling their bluff by saying you assaulted him.

I wouldn't be giving him anymore of my time, ever.
He must think very little of you to see you being carted off to the police station.

NoisyMonster678 · 08/11/2026 19:11

You did the right thing OP, by ending this god forsaken relationship

The experience you have had is horrific and the officers failed in their duty of care.

SuziWithAnEye · 08/11/2026 19:17

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:09

I’d had two glasses of wine and my eye sight isn’t very good with night driving and it was over an hours drive home. With hindsight I wish I’d booked a hotel and got an uber and just got myself from his house for the night. I thought the police coming and talking to him would make him calm down

Have you ended the relationship?

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:21

SuziWithAnEye · 08/11/2026 19:17

Have you ended the relationship?

yes, I sent him a message saying it’s over and that I don’t want to be contacted by him again.

he replied saying that I’m overreacting and that we can sort things out!

I’ve blocked him now. As much as I know we can’t continue in a relationship after this, it’s still difficult walking away - it doesn’t help that we have loads of plans in the lead up to Christmas with both our children, I have to remind myself that a change of plan is better than me and my children being exposed to a man as toxic as him.

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 08/11/2026 19:21

Agree with others surely he is an ex boyfriend now?

The police did nothing wrong in arresting you. He alleged assault and appeared to have injuries to support his allegation. They had to investigate that.

The experience was awful but you need to focus your anger on him not the police.

Block him. Dont ever see him again.

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:27

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 08/11/2026 19:21

Agree with others surely he is an ex boyfriend now?

The police did nothing wrong in arresting you. He alleged assault and appeared to have injuries to support his allegation. They had to investigate that.

The experience was awful but you need to focus your anger on him not the police.

Block him. Dont ever see him again.

Yes, I agree the police were doing what they had to do. That doesn’t take away that it was a traumatic experience, it was clear from the solicitors comments that he didn’t believe a word of the allegation so I’m sure the police didn’t either so it’s just sad that I had to go through the process and ordeal of the investigation when they likely knew it was BS and he already told them that he didn’t want to press charges.

I feel that given the situation they could’ve tired to rush things along to get me out of there as quickly as possible, but I get that they were doing their job and no frustration aimed at them - just at the situation

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/11/2026 19:35

I’m glad it’s over
I’m sorry you had that scary experience
if he contacts you again report to the police for harrassment

try not to take it too seriously as police have a duty to investigate all allegations

BlueFlyCheetah · 08/11/2026 19:36

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:27

Yes, I agree the police were doing what they had to do. That doesn’t take away that it was a traumatic experience, it was clear from the solicitors comments that he didn’t believe a word of the allegation so I’m sure the police didn’t either so it’s just sad that I had to go through the process and ordeal of the investigation when they likely knew it was BS and he already told them that he didn’t want to press charges.

I feel that given the situation they could’ve tired to rush things along to get me out of there as quickly as possible, but I get that they were doing their job and no frustration aimed at them - just at the situation

I would be ready to record him if he calls you or turns up at your house. I would engage in a conversation, let him think I could be talked around to try and get a confession that I could go back to the police with and have him arrested.

Noideamatey · 08/11/2026 19:39

You felt threatened enough to call the police, but not threatened enough to leave a house that wasn’t yours? You just sat upstairs? I’m sorry but if you felt you were in danger then you would’ve left surely. The police could have been hours!

What was the argument about? What was he doing that made you feel so threatened?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/11/2026 19:41

Nice bit of victim blaming there. OP says at 19.09 I’d had two glasses of wine and my eye sight isn’t very good with night driving and it was over an hours drive home.

FromFattoChubby · 08/11/2026 19:42

Why did you have to wear the tracksuit?

MeowDoku · 08/11/2026 19:45

NewLifter · 08/11/2026 18:57

I am so sorry OP. Did they refuse you having a phone call to your children's father? It sounds like you were treated very inhumanely. I would look into lodging a formal complaint.

How is it inhumane? An allegations was made of an assault the alleged victim had marks, the alleged perpetrator was conveyed to custody, this is exactly what you'd expect if someone made allegations of an assault surely? OP was then interviewed, the boyfriend will have been spoken to too, they then looked at the evidence at hand decided not enough evidence and NFAd it. What else do you expect to happen?

It's also not up to a victim if charges are pressed.