Night in police custody

[fireflyblue]

I’m so upset writing this, I’m still shocked at what’s happened and don’t feel ready to speak to anyone in real life yet.

last night my boyfriend and I had an argument, he was verbally aggressive and started to make me feel scared that he was going to assault me, I phoned the police - which might sound extreme, but I really did feel like it could’ve become physical at any moment.

After I called the police I went upstairs and waited in the bedroom, 3 officers arrived quite quickly. 2 of them came upstairs to talk to me and 1 stayed downstairs with boyfriend. I was explaining the situation to the 2 offices when shortly after the 3rd officer came upstairs, he said that my boyfriend had said that I’d assaulted him by punching him in the face 4 times and he had marks on his face.

I said this was completely not true and that he must’ve marked himself when I was upstairs. I showed them my hands which had no signs of hitting anyone and said that surely if I’d hit him 4 times I’d have marks on me from where he’d defended himself or tried to restrain me. The office said that given his allegations they’d have to arrest me.

I was taking into custody at about 9:30pm and was there for 18 hours. It was the most upsetting experience ever, I’d never even been inside a police station before yesterday, I didn’t have a clue what to expect (other than what I’ve seen on tv), I was scared at what could happen and also in utter disbelief that I was being treated like a criminal when I’d called them because I thought I was at risk of being assaulted. The cell was freezing cold with a bright light on all night, I had to wear a grey tracksuit and lay on a mat with a thin blanket. I wasn’t offered a drink for about 10 hours, no food, obviously no access to my phone which was upsetting as I was supposed to be picking my children up this morning from their dads. I just sat on the mat for all those hours, pretty much crying the entire time other than the 40 mins when I was with the solicitor and having the interview.

The outcome of the interview was no further action, I was then released after the paperwork was completed.

when I turned my phone on, immediately there was a call off boyfriend - he told me
how he hadn’t slept all night and was upset and didn’t mean for me to be arrested and that he hoped we could work through things.

I then got an uber to his house - to collect my car and belongings that were still there, when I arrived he was dressed smartly, I asked where he was going and he said to have a pint with his mate to relax.

I’d had the worst day of my life and was an emotional wreck and he felt he needed to relax!!! I told him I never want to see him again and drove home.

I’m home now and just so so upset - my boyfriend lying and having me arrested, the way the events went with the police, being in the cell for all those hours which felt like torture, the worry over not being able to contact children and then finally the lack of compassion from him when I was released, not that I wanted to spend time with him, but him arranging to go out with mates while I was still in a cell is so insulting.

I don’t really know why I’m posting :( reading this back I can’t believe what’s happened

There is an undertone you don’t want this to end, you still want to be with him. Like he’s blocked for now, but you will unblock.

can I ask how much had the pair of you really had to drink? Part of this sounds like you were taken to the cells to sober up.

Well if you were ever in doubt he was a cunt you aren't now..
Take it as the final straw and never give him another thought..
My exh tried to have me arrested for assault.
He also scratched his own face .
I told the police under voluntary interview if I had meant to harm him i would have used a pan..
He tried all sorts to try and discredit me. Nothing worked.

You need to educate yourself instead of frightening people with misinformation.

To invoke a very valid MN cliche ; He has shown you who he really is. Believe him.

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with what you've said. He will get away with it! That's what makes domestic violence such a complex complex thing. Is it worth OP reporting via 101? In theory of course, yes! In practise it isn't necessarily the right thing for her to do. It can be very dangerous leaving men like this one so it's a really hard thing to know what to do.
Also yes it does seem bonkers the police arresting her after she called them. But actually they did keep her safe and they do need to take allegations seriously. In the same way he could've quite easily called the police on her, and you'd expect her to be believed also! It's so complex!

No, I don’t.

Well done. Remember you've said this though, if you feel like he's starting to convince you. You, your children are much better off without him, safer too.

So sorry OP this has happened to you. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some time to breathe and know you've done the right thing. Hugs

I’d had two glasses of wine all day - one when we went out for lunch and my second in the evening watching tv. Neither of us were drunk.

it’s 100% over, I’m upset about everything that’s happened, but my decision is made and won’t be changing

What the fuck is wrong with you?

"It's still difficult walking away" errrrm what?

He had you arrested and you were scared enough to ring the Police.
What an utter lying bastard.

Yes, plenty. I agree its a miniscule amount compared to men, but it's still plenty. The Police obviously felt the arrest was proportionate, and as an allegation had been made and there appeared to be evidence supporting that, they did the right thing.

You should look into getting them to de-arrest you, otherwise the arrest will stay on your record as far as I'm aware. Obviously, this could have repercussions on you in the future for jobs, DBS checks, VISA's to other countries etc.

The cell was a solo cell, it’s didn’t have bars where you could chat through to other people - it had a solid metal door and no window, just two bright lights that were constantly kept on.

I didn’t have food, I think I could’ve had some though, I just didn’t ask.

The toilet was in the cell but no toilet roll, didn’t realise I could use the buzzer and ask for this.

I just sat there staring at the ceiling / crying / overthinking the entire time I was in there - the hours dragged and I had no concept of what time of day it was, when they opened the door to let me see the solicitor - it could've been 3am or 10am.

Not sure on tobacco as currency, currency for what? Lol.

it was a horrible experience, worse than I would ever have expected, but I understand that custody isn’t supposed to be like going to a hotel.

ETA: not sure if you’re joking or genuinely curious, it didn’t feel like a jokey situation that’s for sure

Very grateful thank you

I'm sorry this happened to you. And I just wanted to add my voice to all those saying please don't ever let him persuade you to give this relationship another try. This was no misunderstanding. A misunderstanding would sound like, "I haven't done anything wrong, if anything she's more aggressive than me!" etc. This was a deliberate lie with multiple opportunities to double down, which he took. The officer would have asked him follow up questions to clarify, so he obviously kept the facade going. He might even have harmed his own face. That's all very, very calculated. At best it shows he will do or say anything at all to cover his own arse, no matter what the consequences are for anyone else. And that's at best.

Well done for walking away, OP. I used to volunteer in the domestic abuse field, I had one woman ring the helpline during an argument and her partner started shouting help in the background and saying she was hitting him. She'd been mid conversation with me, it was very obvious she hadn't had an opportunity to do that while speaking normally. Can't give the full context obviously.

Another in a training video involved a man who'd do things around the house to make his wife think she was eating in her sleep and sleepwalking, told both their families and friends about how she was losing it and then this provided a great cover for the physical abuse.

Don't have your kids anywhere near him, or you, dangerous relationships don't start at their worst. It's a drip drip to test and break down your boundaries and pull you back in.

You are not good for each other. The best thing out of all this is you telling him you never want to see him again.

Well its going to be a shit book if you think that a night in the cells at apolice station will give you an insight into prison life.

And this sort of thing needs to be done via MN with permission. Reported.

She wasn't in prison.

She wasn't in prison though!

Are you mad? Her calling the police "just in case"? She was in fear for hwr safety. This is the definition of common assault, causing someone to fear immediate physical violence. She did the right thing!
OP upwards and onwards, he showed his true colours, believe him. He doesn't give a sh.t about you. Please block and delete, you deserve better! In relation to how you were treated you have the right to make complain. You might not get anything back but you might rattle some cages with custody staff.

You MUST MUST MUST get your version on record . It would be a real mistake not to. It protects you more - even if nothing is don’t with it , you really should anyway

Also not sure if anyone's said but now you've been arrested (I'd be getting every advice I could to see what legal help you can have, any charity involvement, can anyone get this expunged at all) - if the police were ever called to you both again it probably unfortunately makes it less likely that you'd be believed. Just awful