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Night in police custody

301 replies

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 18:54

I’m so upset writing this, I’m still shocked at what’s happened and don’t feel ready to speak to anyone in real life yet.

last night my boyfriend and I had an argument, he was verbally aggressive and started to make me feel scared that he was going to assault me, I phoned the police - which might sound extreme, but I really did feel like it could’ve become physical at any moment.

After I called the police I went upstairs and waited in the bedroom, 3 officers arrived quite quickly. 2 of them came upstairs to talk to me and 1 stayed downstairs with boyfriend. I was explaining the situation to the 2 offices when shortly after the 3rd officer came upstairs, he said that my boyfriend had said that I’d assaulted him by punching him in the face 4 times and he had marks on his face.

I said this was completely not true and that he must’ve marked himself when I was upstairs. I showed them my hands which had no signs of hitting anyone and said that surely if I’d hit him 4 times I’d have marks on me from where he’d defended himself or tried to restrain me. The office said that given his allegations they’d have to arrest me.

I was taking into custody at about 9:30pm and was there for 18 hours. It was the most upsetting experience ever, I’d never even been inside a police station before yesterday, I didn’t have a clue what to expect (other than what I’ve seen on tv), I was scared at what could happen and also in utter disbelief that I was being treated like a criminal when I’d called them because I thought I was at risk of being assaulted. The cell was freezing cold with a bright light on all night, I had to wear a grey tracksuit and lay on a mat with a thin blanket. I wasn’t offered a drink for about 10 hours, no food, obviously no access to my phone which was upsetting as I was supposed to be picking my children up this morning from their dads. I just sat on the mat for all those hours, pretty much crying the entire time other than the 40 mins when I was with the solicitor and having the interview.

The outcome of the interview was no further action, I was then released after the paperwork was completed.

when I turned my phone on, immediately there was a call off boyfriend - he told me
how he hadn’t slept all night and was upset and didn’t mean for me to be arrested and that he hoped we could work through things.

I then got an uber to his house - to collect my car and belongings that were still there, when I arrived he was dressed smartly, I asked where he was going and he said to have a pint with his mate to relax.

I’d had the worst day of my life and was an emotional wreck and he felt he needed to relax!!! I told him I never want to see him again and drove home.

I’m home now and just so so upset - my boyfriend lying and having me arrested, the way the events went with the police, being in the cell for all those hours which felt like torture, the worry over not being able to contact children and then finally the lack of compassion from him when I was released, not that I wanted to spend time with him, but him arranging to go out with mates while I was still in a cell is so insulting.

I don’t really know why I’m posting :( reading this back I can’t believe what’s happened

OP posts:
Bloozie · Yesterday 10:50

I'm so sorry you went through this. It sounds horrific. And I'm so sorry that it means your relationship is over, because even though you KNOW you can never go back to this man, losing the future you imagined together stings.

Stay strong and take care.

LilWoosmum82 · Yesterday 10:58

I'm glad you've ended it, report him and move on xx

Garcialikeskittens · Yesterday 11:00

I hope you’re ok OP? That sounds so traumatic

Please ignore some of the absolute idiots on this thread.

I think you need to raise a complaint with the police, they should have had extensive training on DA and have a basic understanding of how abusive men operate. I would be looking at their policy on VAWG - given you called the police because you were scared and he was being aggressive towards you. I would also really look at your relationship against a DA risk assessment and consider making a statement to the police against him.

As for SS, they may call you, but be clear your children weren’t present and you have ended the relationship with no intention to reconcile. You can decline an assessment

Take care

Imbusytodaysorry · Yesterday 11:36

@fireflyblue i can’t believe the things that your getting accused of on here . It does sound like you could go soft on him which I hope isn’t the case. He has shown you his hand. You now know what he is capable of and id be worried about being with someone that underhand never mind , he is abusive .
Protect yourself and stay well away from him op . If you go back you can expect a life of police involvement and / or abuse .

LetMeGoogleThat · Yesterday 11:41

Keepgettingolder81 · 08/11/2026 22:08

I would very much like to think you dumped him Straightafter this? Because if you didn’t, I’m not quite sure why you were writing this thread at all…

Or you could just read the thread, at the very least the OPs updates. Then we very much wouldn't have the see the same question repeated by the hard of reading.

purplecorkheart · Yesterday 11:46

Wow OP what an awful thing to happen. I am glad that you have ended it. Being scared enough that you felt in danger is a red flag enough to end it not to mind him hurting himself and getting you arrested.

Please please don't fall back with him. He is most likely going use Christmas coming up and the plans that you made as a way to try and wiggle his way back in. If he has your kids/friends numbers get them to block them to. Also hard as it is if you have his kids numbers block them.

SirenScream · Yesterday 11:47

I'm so sorry @fireflyblue
Please promise us that you won't go back to this man.
His behaviour is very much in the category of messing with your head. This kind of thing and the emotional rollercoaster that it creates, can lead to a situation where you become addicted and trauma bonded to someone.

BillieWiper · Yesterday 11:50

You called the police on him for seeming like he may assault you. Once they arrive he concocts a lie that you punched him four times. You were then arrested. None of this is remotely normal.

Please don't ever speak to eachother again. It will only get worse.

FluentAquaMoose · Yesterday 11:57

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:21

yes, I sent him a message saying it’s over and that I don’t want to be contacted by him again.

he replied saying that I’m overreacting and that we can sort things out!

I’ve blocked him now. As much as I know we can’t continue in a relationship after this, it’s still difficult walking away - it doesn’t help that we have loads of plans in the lead up to Christmas with both our children, I have to remind myself that a change of plan is better than me and my children being exposed to a man as toxic as him.

My friend has this with her ex-husband over and over. Eventually the police used to apologise each time they arrested her saying they had to follow procedure and allegations. For your own sake, don't try and sort this out as he's done it once and will do it again to you. Christmas plans or not - you need to stay strong.

EvieBB · Yesterday 12:02

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 19:21

yes, I sent him a message saying it’s over and that I don’t want to be contacted by him again.

he replied saying that I’m overreacting and that we can sort things out!

I’ve blocked him now. As much as I know we can’t continue in a relationship after this, it’s still difficult walking away - it doesn’t help that we have loads of plans in the lead up to Christmas with both our children, I have to remind myself that a change of plan is better than me and my children being exposed to a man as toxic as him.

Please stay strong and resolute. He treat you like absolute trash and doesnt care one jot about you. That's difficult to hear I know but it's him not you. He's an abuser. You deserve so much more. You need to send him a strong and clear message and never allow him anywhere near you or your children again. Hold your head high.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · Yesterday 12:07

You are all better people than me Mumsnetters. I would be plotting revenge on him. Full scorched earth mode. Not a chance would I let him do that to me and just carry on his sweet life!

Whatifitallgoesright · Yesterday 12:20

Nothing much to add, except to say ignore the mad bitches on here blaming you.

VictoriousPunge · Yesterday 12:26

fireflyblue · 08/11/2026 18:54

I’m so upset writing this, I’m still shocked at what’s happened and don’t feel ready to speak to anyone in real life yet.

last night my boyfriend and I had an argument, he was verbally aggressive and started to make me feel scared that he was going to assault me, I phoned the police - which might sound extreme, but I really did feel like it could’ve become physical at any moment.

After I called the police I went upstairs and waited in the bedroom, 3 officers arrived quite quickly. 2 of them came upstairs to talk to me and 1 stayed downstairs with boyfriend. I was explaining the situation to the 2 offices when shortly after the 3rd officer came upstairs, he said that my boyfriend had said that I’d assaulted him by punching him in the face 4 times and he had marks on his face.

I said this was completely not true and that he must’ve marked himself when I was upstairs. I showed them my hands which had no signs of hitting anyone and said that surely if I’d hit him 4 times I’d have marks on me from where he’d defended himself or tried to restrain me. The office said that given his allegations they’d have to arrest me.

I was taking into custody at about 9:30pm and was there for 18 hours. It was the most upsetting experience ever, I’d never even been inside a police station before yesterday, I didn’t have a clue what to expect (other than what I’ve seen on tv), I was scared at what could happen and also in utter disbelief that I was being treated like a criminal when I’d called them because I thought I was at risk of being assaulted. The cell was freezing cold with a bright light on all night, I had to wear a grey tracksuit and lay on a mat with a thin blanket. I wasn’t offered a drink for about 10 hours, no food, obviously no access to my phone which was upsetting as I was supposed to be picking my children up this morning from their dads. I just sat on the mat for all those hours, pretty much crying the entire time other than the 40 mins when I was with the solicitor and having the interview.

The outcome of the interview was no further action, I was then released after the paperwork was completed.

when I turned my phone on, immediately there was a call off boyfriend - he told me
how he hadn’t slept all night and was upset and didn’t mean for me to be arrested and that he hoped we could work through things.

I then got an uber to his house - to collect my car and belongings that were still there, when I arrived he was dressed smartly, I asked where he was going and he said to have a pint with his mate to relax.

I’d had the worst day of my life and was an emotional wreck and he felt he needed to relax!!! I told him I never want to see him again and drove home.

I’m home now and just so so upset - my boyfriend lying and having me arrested, the way the events went with the police, being in the cell for all those hours which felt like torture, the worry over not being able to contact children and then finally the lack of compassion from him when I was released, not that I wanted to spend time with him, but him arranging to go out with mates while I was still in a cell is so insulting.

I don’t really know why I’m posting :( reading this back I can’t believe what’s happened

I can't believe how often the police fall for this shit. It's the new 'she gives as good as she gets'.

VictoriousPunge · Yesterday 12:28

This is a classic from the abuser's playbook OP. He's not unusual, but you are: you have got out, and by the sound of it you will not be going back for more when he starts trying to chip away at you. And he will.

LetMeGoogleThat · Yesterday 12:36

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · Yesterday 12:07

You are all better people than me Mumsnetters. I would be plotting revenge on him. Full scorched earth mode. Not a chance would I let him do that to me and just carry on his sweet life!

Really? Is that what you think you would do? Its a basic human, sadly mostly female trait to avoid any confrontation with an abuser. Our amygdala works to keep us alive, its why we freeze if they rape us too, better to be raped and stay alive, unfortunately the CPS see this survival mechanism differently.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · Yesterday 12:40

LetMeGoogleThat · Yesterday 12:36

Really? Is that what you think you would do? Its a basic human, sadly mostly female trait to avoid any confrontation with an abuser. Our amygdala works to keep us alive, its why we freeze if they rape us too, better to be raped and stay alive, unfortunately the CPS see this survival mechanism differently.

No confrontation needed. He would never be able to trace it to me but there is no way I would let this lie. None.

FoxxyP · Yesterday 13:01

I see the 'hard of understanding' are out in full force as usual.

I can't be the only one who has an image in my mind's eye......

SwingAndRelax · Yesterday 13:22

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · Yesterday 12:07

You are all better people than me Mumsnetters. I would be plotting revenge on him. Full scorched earth mode. Not a chance would I let him do that to me and just carry on his sweet life!

And from what you know about this man, you'd feel confident he wouldn't go after you or your kids? He seems like the sort to let it lie?!

Tessasanderson · Yesterday 13:55

Peachghost · Yesterday 10:13

She had to pick up her fucking car!!!! Why are there so many dickheads on this site this morning? Got bored of posting shit defending Russell Brand on Facebook?

Edited

If any man laid his hands on me or made me feel the way the OP did he could set fire to the car before i set foot near him again.

I wouldnt have gone near him without trusted male/female presence. No car, children realising how shit their father is or any other reason would make it reasonable for me to get an Uber around to an abusive mans house on my own.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · Yesterday 14:10

Tessasanderson · Yesterday 13:55

If any man laid his hands on me or made me feel the way the OP did he could set fire to the car before i set foot near him again.

I wouldnt have gone near him without trusted male/female presence. No car, children realising how shit their father is or any other reason would make it reasonable for me to get an Uber around to an abusive mans house on my own.

"I would have done it better"

Why are there so many of these posters? 🙄 Judgy as hell

littlemousebigcheese · Yesterday 14:27

The only way you can salvage this and make sure the experience wasn’t for nothing is to never see this man again and to cut all contact.

Itsasecretnow · Yesterday 15:28

What the fuck is wrong with some of you on here? You’re vile. You’re just here to kick a woman when she’s down, pick apart at her just to show everybody how superior you are? About how you (apparently) know she’s lying, because you know best. Enjoying telling her how how you’d have behaved in her situation (despite not having been through what she went through). You’re just a bunch of male-apologist misogynists. Or you’re just men. Hard to tell. Anyway, you’re just POS, sorry. Just my opinion. Just like the “opinions” you posted 🤷🏼‍♀️

ilikemethewayiam · Yesterday 17:25

Mangelwurzelfortea · Yesterday 10:13

It is absolutely shocking that he was able to DARVO so easily and get YOU arrested. I'd be absolutely furious and would lodge a complaint. Why the hell was he taken more seriously than you? Institutional misogyny at its finest.

Obviously your ex boyfriend is a massive cunt and you should block him and forget him. Seriously, what an unbelievable fucking tosser.

Yep, I had to call the police on my ex-husband because he became very aggressive & threatening. He threw a boot at me but luckily missed me by a fraction. When the police arrived, he said I’d thrown the boot at HIM and was trying to assault him. He was a big built muscular bloke, I was a petite shaking sobbing wreck. luckily the two policeman saw straight through him. The older one asked…so if your wife assaulted you, why didn’t YOU call the police? He was caught off guard and couldn’t answer. Again the older one asked him if he was scared for his life because they could take him to safety while they arranged a refuge place for him? He backtracked really quickly. They cleverly called him out. This is over 20 years ago and I realise policing has changed but seriously!

PinkPanther27 · Yesterday 18:13

I'm so sorry you've gone through this PP, it's really scary how they can plead the victim and sadly it's a common tactic some perpetrators use. I'm very concerned by some of the comments on here from people with no concept of the dynamics of an abusive relationship who are very quick to judge and blame and say what they would do but clearly haven't been in your situation so they have no idea how they'd actually respond.
I would recommend seeking support from domestic abuse services, at the very least they will listen, reassure you it's not you, and help you safety plan. Be careful, he will use this tactic again if he gets the opportunity. PS it might be helpful to screenshot his message and any others.

OneLemonLion · Yesterday 18:34

Portmore · Yesterday 10:08

Custody is about the most heavily regulated & inspected part of police.

There are thousands of complaints but only a tiny percentage are upheld (under 5%)

She would have been booked in by a custody sergeant who would have asked about any children needing care & offered clothing , food & water. No custody sergeant is going to fail to do that as it's so easy to check - everything at custody desk is recorded.

She could request the custody record to reassure herself

Complaints not being upheld is due to incompetence/corruption of the complaints system.

A truer measure would be successful litigation against the police both court judgments and settlements out of court.

Regulations and inspections sadly don’t prevent far worse than this OP’s experience in police custody.

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