Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

I’m with your husband on this I’m afraid

Edit to add, that he can give any reason he wants not to spend his/your family money on someone else’s IVF.

Well promising that was a bit silly, wasn't it. Why on earth would he want to pay for your friends IVF?

Agree with first poster: i’m with your husband too. What happens if you pay this time & it sadly doesn’t work for them a second time.. does that mean your husband pays again? Where do you stop?

Can you pay out of your own money?

You can promise your own money, you can't promise shared money. IVF often results in multiple cycles (believe me I know) and it can cost thousands to try over and over again, because once you start it is very hard to stop. I don't think it's remotely fair to be cross with him for something you promised without even a conversation with him first - it's showing him a lot of disrespect.

Do you not have your own money?

You promised thousands in family money without discussing it with your husband first? Gosh.

I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband,
Yes

If you want to do it, you should pay for it. I wouldn’t - I’d be team husband I’m afraid.

Yes, you're in the wrong to be furious that your DH won't be pressured into paying for your friends IVF, if it means that much to you pay for it yourself out of your own money

I am reposting the answer I gave you on the other thread:

You have massively overstepped boundaries with both your friend and your husband. Jesus, you had no right to promise your friend anything before discussing it with your husband. If I was in your husband's shoes I would have gone further than the games room. Are you always so controlling?
You are no friend either. How could you have have been so blinkered and insensitive? You have thrown a huge grenade into your husband's and friends lives with your arrogant and entitled attitude.

Why on earth would your husband do this?
If you have your own, separate, money then great, you go ahead and pay for her. He should not be expected to pay.
It's ridiculous and cruel that your promised her.

Im so hurt by these replies. I was trying to help somebody complete a dream. I wanted some support but instead people think I'm a control freak.

Oh please "complete a dream"
Always easy to do on other people's money
Team husband

I completely understand you wanting to be generous to your friend. But you can’t be generous with other peoples / shared family money. A single cycle is around 8k, I’m sure it’s pocket change to some but I have never had that sort of money ‘spare’, if I’m honest I’ve never had that full stop.

He’s not being spiteful, I’d imagine he’s feeling very disrespected. It’s not too different from how you might feel if he offered one of his mates to move in if they’d fallen on hard times, and told you later after he’d offered. When it’s a family resource - time, money, space, it affects everyone and needs to be discussed as a unit.

It’s a bit of a predicament now that you’ve promised the money.

Do you have anything you can sell to give her the money? (Not the family TV or DHs belongings, but maybe jewellery of your own or similar)?

You’ve been really inappropriate unless it’s your money and you’re paying for it yourself.

what did you expect? To be told how great you were?

💯 tho
I think OP thought she was going to be told she was so brilliant and caring...saviour complex springs to mind
Lady bountiful
Look at me... look at Me aren't I the bestest friend ever
I can't stand people who volunteer others time and/or money

Complete a dream??? You decided without giving a thought to your husband or your friend. Lady Bountiful you are not.
You unilaterally decided to make this offer without thinking of the effect on anyone else. You still cannot see it as you are too wrapped up on your own sense of entitlement to do what you want regardless of anyone else's feelings.

Jesus. I totally understand wanting to help a friend but you can’t just offer that amount of joint money without a discussion! What if you did pay and it failed? You offer again? A friend of mine sadly had 5 rounds of IVF and was unsuccessful every time.

I think it depends. If you're a multi millionaire fine. But you’d still speak about it being offering?

And what about if it doesn't work and they want to go again? Where will it stop being bankrolled by your husband?

I agree with your husband here. I think it was incredibly disrespectful of you to offer the money before discussing it with the person you share finances with.

Your friend and her husband can get payment options from fertility clinics. It's cruel that IVF is so expensive and unobtainable for many people.

I was not careless with money, the money belongs to both of us but he made the majority of it. It genuinely money we wouldn't miss because he is a millionaire, my friend isn't and works hard with very little to show.

We’ll pay for it out of your own pocket then…

So you’re spending someone else’s money to make you look bountiful. And you can’t see what’s wrong with that?