Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

@AnyaLavrov002 It the money you have offered money you have earned yourself? Or money your husband has earned?
It is up to your friend and her husband to fund their own IVF!

This is beyond ridiculous. Why on earth should you expect your DH to pay for this. It's nothing to do with him. Pay for it yourself if you are set on playing Lady Bountiful. Or set up a go fund me page.

We are married. For all the judgemental people, just think how you would feel if you couldn't have a child and somebody could help you but refused. Unexplained infertility is hell on earth! What happened to women helping women in need! Night.

Another vote for pay out of your own money. If it's so important to you to do it then you should use your own money for it

Help all you like. With your own money!

@AnyaLavrov002 I'd never have the audacity to ask nor accept it!

So does that mean you would refuse help from the NHS as well? I'm shocked at the replies. Any women here that has suffered infertility?

Kindly @AnyaLavrov002 we are millionaires too. The difference is that I have my own, independently earned money, over which I have total agency. I would never, ever promise money I needed my dh to pay without asking him in advance and he has made the lion's share of it.

Opera or ball tickets without consultation, yes; handmade, tailored curtains, yes (although would mention); IVF for someone else, no.

How much is a round of IVF?

Would he consider you both lending your friend the money? I can understand your offer to her, especially as you're wealthy, but it can't just come from you, it has to be a joint agreement.

Yep. No problem getting pg but multiple miscarriages. We wanted 4, got two.

The NHS is not an analogy with unilaterally spending family money.

If I was suffering infertility it would not even cross my mind that it was anyone else’s responsibility to pay for my IVF. It would also never cross my mind to volunteer my husband’s money that I hadn’t earned to anyone, regardless of the cause.

Well you certainly haven't helped your friend by making a unilateral decision to give your friend unlimited money from your family finances with no consultation. You are not accepting you have caused the issues! You are the problem not your husband who wasn't asked, just told. Your refusal to accept how badly you have behaved is going to do more damage to your friend and cause.her more pain than she was already suffering.

It's a strangely personal thing to be gifting someone.
I think you're bonkers. And a bit rude to expect your husband to cough up for this.

You actually thought that this was a reasonable thing to do.
Wow.
I'm not surprised your husband's angry.

32 year friendship. She has a heart of gold. If it was me I know she would do the same, she deserves her happiness and she will be an incredible mother! Already an incredible wife! It's our money but he made the majority, I will speak with him. She may have waited too long but she doesn't deserve to be childless.

You do know that ivf isn’t guaranteed to work?

She wouldn’t do the same for you - she hasn’t the money

You already spoke to him and he (rightly) declined. Don't try to force him into handing money to anyone.
It's shocking to read how unreasonable you're being, can you really not see it?

She wouldn't. She can't fund her own.

She can adopt. Foster. You are deluded if you can’t see where your husband is coming from. You have 4 kids of your own and it sounds like he does most of the spade work providing for them.

How do you know she'll be an incredible mother @AnyaLavrov002?

Honestly wild to me. If this wasn’t something you could afford completely by yourself without your husbands input that’s fine but to have promised your friend this massive life changing thing without even speaking to your husband first? Absolutely not. He’s absolutely within his rights to say no. I’m sorry to say he is spiteful is absolutely crazy behaviour. It’s also a bit pathetic when the wealthy have this saviour complex about their money. Then going on about commenter not supporting woman and have any of us been infertile - delusional

I think it's lovely that you wanted to help your friend this way and can see why you did it.

However as you correctly pointed out, you are married and your money is joint. You were therefore wrong to offer this gift without discussion with your husband. We discuss big purchases together and I'd be furious if he promised tens of thousands to someone else without talking to me first.

You haven't replied to posters asking why YOU don't pay for it out of your bank account.

But let's say for arguments sake you did pay for 1 cycle- where do you draw the line of it doesn't work? After 3? After 5? After 10?

You talk about IVF as if its an automatic gaurentee to having a child, however it isn't.

I actually think you're getting a hard time. Although I agree you 100% should not have promised or even discussed the prospect of giving the money to your friend before getting the ok from your husband. You shouldn't have got her hopes up and I think it's disrespectful to your husband not to discuss it first. But I can't criticise your intentions. I would 100% finicially help a friend struggling with infertility if I had the money. Although there's no guarantee it would work, I'd want to help give them the chance.

The only thing I can suggest is speak to your dh. Don't get angry or shame him for saying no. Start by apologising for not discussing it with his first (because you should have done). See if he’ll just take time to think on it and maybe discuss a plan around what giving the money would look like. Perhaps he would agree to a single round as long as he knew that it wouldn't be more than that? I think even if he does change his mind, that's something you'd need to really think about because it may not work and then what? To preserve your friendship, you'd have to have some very clear boundary around just how much help you’d give.