Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

Lol at the supportive posters. I think some people hear the word millionaire and imagine unlimited access to wads of £50 notes, when the reality is that cash flow is often limited and the 'millions' are tied up in assets, investments, businesses etc etc.

Back in the real world, I know types like you OP, married well, live all the trappings but no real idea how it got there.. while always confident the money will never run out.

What an utterly absurd thing to offer outside of a close family member - and even then, it would be properly discussed with the person who is actually earning the money. Yes, it may be family money but the truth is that it isn't yours to give away.

Your friend has already had one failed round on the NHS, so what happened if your DH did agree to pay for a round and it failed.. another round and another?

Grow up is my advice.

OMG! I'm in a similar situation! DH randomly offered DD1 our kitchen table without discussing it with me when we were at her house the other day. Now I need to buy a new kitchen table.

Ridiculous situation to have put yourself in OP. Can't believe you would commit thousands of someone else's money for something so personal without a discussion.

Nobody 'deserves' to be childless, or have cancer, or be homeless, or live in a war zone etc. it's fine to help as many people as we can. It's not fine to offer someone else's money to do it.

Idiopathic infertility can resolve by itself. You on the other hand are heading for divorce!!

Are you married to a Russian oligarch OP? Interesting name.

If you are such a rich family perhaps you could sell a couple of handbags to pay for the IVF?

Would he have been ok with giving her the money for a car or house deposit? If it’s specifically because it’s for IVF that he won’t give it that’s a bit weird. I suspect though that he doesn’t want to give such a large sum to someone else for anything and tbh I can understand why.
If he’s a millionaire in the euro millions sense of having 60 million in the bank then I think he’s mean. If he’s a millionaire with ‘just’ a million - well that doesn’t go as far as it used to.
You sound like a lovely friend. I hope your friend finds another way of getting the money.

It’s ridiculous that you’re upset with him.

It’s not just a one-off donation either. What if it doesn’t work and she wants another cycle? What if it works and she then wants more money for a second baby?

Also, can they afford to have a baby if they can’t afford to fund fertility treatment?

There is no earthly reason why your husband should pay for another couple's fertility treatment and frankly, there would be something rather indecent about it if he did.

I understand why you want to help your friend. If you have your own money and can afford to give your friend £10K, then you crack on. I rather suspect the money isn't just yours though, it's joint money with your husband, in which case it needs to be a joint decision. Your husband has every right to be angry with you, because you didn't discuss it with him beforehand and you haven't thought it through either.

What happens if you give her the money and the treatment fails? Do you then give her another £10K for another round of treatment? How long do you continue this for?!

You will need to be honest with your friend, and apologise to her, for jumping the gun. Yes, she will likely be upset and hurt....and I'm afraid that's on you for not thinking it through before offering up joint money.

How many cycles would you pay for? It’s a batshit idea.

Do you have anything of value? Handbags? Watches/ jewelry? Sell them and help to fund your friend afterall, you did promise her.

You sound unbearable

How old is she? Why has she left it so late that she needs IVF?
If she was that bothered about having children she should have started sooner, poor planning on her part. She needs to accept it may not be in her future.

…it’s not about the money.

Almost every response has been about the money, and the expense, bit he’s not refusing on financial grounds.

He’s refusing because he thinks the friend is too old for IVF.

Posters seem intent on making this about money, when it’s about making a judgment call on when a woman is too old to have a baby.

Fine, but where do you draw the line then?
My own H regards family money as his, so almost never discusses what he does with it -even to the extent of having to go bankrupt many yrs ago 🙄.
You obviously need to actually apply your whole brain to things like this.

How did she get IVF on NHS if she doesn't have fertility problems and 36 is not old to start trying.

That would be fine if it were just your own money you were offering, but you chose to promise money you share without any consultation. Can you not see that that is where the problem lies?

Is this a sort of reverse? Are you the friend?
If not I am team husband. He is probably thinking about paying for your children’s future expenses ( uni, car house).

But how many rounds were you promising to pay for? Bonkers.

I've paid a lot of money into the NHS so no, I wouldn't refuse help from it. Even if that were not the case, I wouldn't refuse because that is what it is there for. As a society, we have decided that we need a health service in the same way as we need a police service, a fire service, a justice service etc. That is simply not the case with your family money.

She hasn't claimed he is controlling that was someone else's words.
But I do feel the letdown of the OP. That she knows the money is not a barrier for them and that she assumed her husband might join her in a generous impulse towards her friend and then realised he wouldn't or couldn't see it how she did. She presumably knows it'd be a gamble and is prepared for that.
I doubt the offer was limitless IVF - those people saying - what if it doesn't work- all involved are adults.
It appears the husband is not on board with her impulse in the same way and also unfortunately in how their relationship works the household money is not a genuinely shared resource in that his autonomy sways it her choice doesn't.

I wonder if this is part of the issue.

They'll be someone coming along before too long saying they're married so his money is hers,, even though he's earned it...

Millionaire husband
4 boys
Are you Coleen Rooney OP?

So why don't you help her from your own money?