Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

I think you are getting harsh responses. You should have discussed it with your husband first but I'm sure your heart was in the right place and him hiding away from you is ridiculous in my opinion. And I think everyone saying it is his money as he earnt it is not very modern, if they are a family and she is bringing up the children then it is joint money surely. He is actually being the controlling one.

Rather than expect your husband to write a massive cheque, why don’t you be her surrogate?

I think the replies are very harsh.

you made a generous offer to your friend never thinking your husband woukdnt support you on this. And now are in a difficult position.

do you always have discussions about what you soend money on or woukd you just do it eg buy expensive jewellery or a new car. If so try explaining this to him and tgst your thought was your friends happiness.

I think discussing it with your husband prior to offering would have been extremely sensible and maybe changed how he feels. Not because he has earned most of that (as I imagine you were busy doing more for your four children which enabled him to earn that etc), but because you are a couple and the final costs can be huge with no guarantee of success.

Now you’ve offered it to your friend in what sounds like a promising way, she will be crushed. Therefore I would have made sure I had it available to give before I offered it.

I have had extensive IVF costing over £50,000, all private due to postcode lottery, paid for by us without help. Now happily and very gratefully 29 weeks pregnant. It would be a wonderful gift to give, and I can see why you may have assumed it would be okay, but whilst you are married and the money is couples money it’s not your gift alone to give sadly.

You are not your friend's benefactor, you are her friend.
Only use your own money.
State a limit so she is not expecting more than a little help with one round.
You risked inappropriately increasing her expectations of having a child.
Help in other ways. Research medical teams and clinics that she can afford.
You cannot control her infertility outcomes.
Support her to make sound decisions based on her own circumstances.

Yes, it's joint money so it should have been a joint decision. If you're married you can't make a big unilateral decision that affects your whole family and then claim your spouse is being controlling when they object.

How weird.

Why did you earmark someone else's money for your friend?

Wow OP you have behaved absolutely appallingly. I’m also with your husband. Your friend’s infertility is sad but not your husband’s responsibility to bankroll a resolution.

If I was in your shoes I’d absolutely be paying for it! You’re millionaires so it’s a drop in the ocean. Do you not have access to any of your money?

Under no circumstances would I EVER expect friends to finance any part of my life. I would never ask.

I was thinking this.....

I'm sorry to hear of your friend's fertility issues. Not everyone who wants to be a parent can, it sux but its part of life. I agree with your DH, you shouldn't have promised your friend, potentially getting her hopes up, without discussing it with him.

You spoke too soon OP.

It's not a matter of money at the end of the day, is it? You should've talked to your DH 1st.

If it really is ' our money ' why did you even mention to your husband, why didn't you just transfer it out of the bank account.

Joint money is a joint decision. But if the two of you have different financial priorities, it might be worth separating finances. A joint account for family expenses, then an equal share of what is left at the end of the month paid into individual accounts. Then you can use your share for whatever you like.

Sorry best friend or not totally agree if this was my dh his reaction would be justified and how stupid saying you would pay without even a discussion with your dh. This is on you to sort it with everyone

Why would you not, given it doesn’t “cost”’the OP. Thats if one is a kind and loving friend of course

I for one don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to do this but you can’t force your husband if all money is joint it has to be something you both agree to as it’s a lot of cash even if you don’t strictly need it. I would also want to do this for a friend, if the situation arose. Imo your husbands position that she waited too long to try is nonsense, plenty of people get pregnant no problem in mid 30s, it’s completely normal now. And ivf isn’t guaranteed to work but it’s a chance.

What amounts of money would you normally decide about unilaterally? Eg it’s normal to buy a new shirt without asking your husband but not normal to buy a new car without discussion. But if you’re very wealthy maybe you spend quite freely. Is this an amount of money you would usually expect to be able to decide about without his input? Assuming it’s an amount you’d usually discuss then he’s right to be angry with you promising the gift without his input. I hope you can discuss with him again and maybe you can find an agreement, but if he’s really against it you’ll have to accept that I think.

@AnyaLavrov002 we'd all love to fix our friends. The whole world in fact. You say you randomly committed ££££ without discussion with your partner,
Ridiculous

I can see why you would want to be so generous when it is a drop in the ocean for you. PP's probably don't understand because the concept of not watching money closely is alien to them. You're right it is your money too. If you walked, you would get half of everything. He is being controlling not you and yes you shouldn't have promised. I would sit down and talk again and just say you know this means so so much to me, to just pay for one private round. I think he will come around. Imagine what a hero he will feel like if they get pregnant!

I’m team husband. Any expenses that big should be discussed first. Also, how much are you willing to provide? Is there a limit in case it doesn’t work first time (at that age under fifty percent success rate)? It will also change the nature if your relationship if they don’t parent the child in the way you feel they should.

I have had fertility issues and would never have accepted money from a friend. Sorry I do feel that while you were trying to do something nice you have gone about it completely wrong. In the end your actions no matter how well intended are likely to end up causing pain and probably would even if you paid.

I somehow doubt her husband thinks it's a drop in the ocean. "Millionaire" isn't that much these days, if property is included. IVF is very expensive, and can quickly send even quite well off people broke.

That's Mumsnet for you. Not everyone, of course, but many here. Lots of PP hang about just waiting for threads where they can kick the OP, and if there's nothing they can bash her for, they simply make something up. Just ignore them.

Yes, it was a little ill-advised not to speak with your husband first, but considering that you obviously have a huge amount of money and that she's your close friend, and you feel for her that you have four kids and she has none, I don't blame you for thinking he'd probably be fine with it. In his shoes, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd probably stand her a couple of rounds, no more.

Thinking about it, will the NHS not give her any more?

I think you're a very kind person, OP, whose heart is in the right place.

Threaten your husband with divorce and say you will use settlement to pay her. Tell him it means that much to you and you are serious.

No, I'm not joking. I'm serious.

Wow, you're very single-minded. Yes, I've had many pregnancies and no live babies. I decided against invasive, distressing and expensive treatment that has a low success rate. My body didn't want to make children, so I focused on the advantages of a childfree life: time, money, career, choices.

It's clear that you're intensely devoted to the idea of reproduction, but I don't really feel this is helpful to your friend. If you're determined to keep her hopes up, use your own money. As a PP suggested, perhaps sell some jewellery or other personal possessions.