Anger, Husband, Pregnancy

[AnyaLavrov002]

Am I in the wrong to be furious at my husband. He is refusing to pay for my close friend to have IVF because in his mind she waited 10 years too long to try! We're wealthy, it won't affect us financially and it will give my friend what she so desperately wants with her husband.
He has outright refused despite the fact we live in a beautiful home with some beautiful land all paid for. It is not a financial thing so I don't understand the spitefulness. I adore him, he has given me and our four boys the world but I cry for my friend.
I was stupid and told her we would pay before speaking with my husband, she is excited and I don't want to crush her dreams! He has refused to speak about it for two days and has stayed in his games room with the boys. My friend is 36 years old and time is not good for her.
She had one IVF cycle on the NHS and it didn't work, her and her husband don't have fertility problems or none that was discovered. I want her to have what we have and cherish so bad!

I guess it’s not a direct comparison as one is making a decision affecting your own body and the other someone else’s involvement. But true in theory. And it would depend where the infertility lies.
I personally wouldn’t do either

Yeah, not a pleasant read that part

she doesn't deserve to be childless.
@AnyaLavrov002 , You playing Lady Bountiful won't mean she will have a successful pregnancy.
Your phrasing is so insulting.

I can only think that this thread is a sick joke.

Team husband here. Why did you open your trap and tell your friend you'd pay without speaking to him?

Tbh though, if it's family money you could just pay for her yourself couldn't you?

Why can't they pay for themselves? They could get a loan.

How would I feel if I had wealthy friends and wanted IVF? That I had utterly no right to expect friends to pay for it.

I do wonder what the responses would be if this were a husband who had promised his friend thousands of pounds of joint marital money without discussing it with his wife first, then became furious when she refused. I suspect he'd be absolutely torn apart.

I have every sympathy for your friend and what she's going through, but your husband's financial position doesn't mean he should automatically agree to fund somebody else's IVF. Being able to afford something and being obliged to pay for it are two very different things.

You made a significant financial commitment on behalf of both of you without consulting him, and have now put him in the position of either agreeing to something he never consented to or being portrayed as the villain who has crushed your friend's dreams.

Your intentions may have been kind, but that doesn't make your approach fair. Your husband is entitled to a say in how your joint money is spent, just as you would be if the situation were reversed.

I don't think OP is still reading the posts.

Quite. And I think if I was in the friend's shoes with fertility and financial issues, then my friend with millions in the bank and 4 kids playing fairy godmother to me might not feel like the pure gesture of friendship that the OP intends.

Even with the best intentions, it rubs salt in the wound - I have it all, here, I'll let you have some... except there's no guarantees and friend could well end up with no child and feeling like she's wasted OP's (husband's) money for nothing but more pain.

Or even if she did have a child, she could still feel resentful at 'owing' the OP. Whether the OP likes it or not, one friend giving another thousands of pounds like it doesn't matter a jot to them could really fuck up a relationship.

Also sounds like it's much easier for OP to spend the family money than make it. Just because DH is a high earner, doesn't mean he loves every moment he's working, and the thought of doing it so your wife can give it away like it's nothing would really piss me off. That 'oh we've got so much it won't matter' attitude is not borne of someone who's worked for it. Hope the 4 kids have better values.

Tis often the case when OPs don't get the answers they want to hear.

Bit of a weird thread. I had children very young and even I’m confused why anyone would think 36 is ‘too old’ ( the husband, plus op saying ‘time isn't on her side’).

They’ve been trying long enough to know they have unexplained, and they have 4 good years to try IVF.

Is your friend not a similar income level to you? Can’t they pay for it themselves like other couples do when not eligible for NHS treatment? Look abroad? Who just accepts large sums of money with massive expectations upfront???

SarahLights

You may be interested in reading what is a "Geriatric Pregnancy"....

A geriatric pregnancy" is an outdated term now clinically known as advanced maternal age (AMA), defined as a pregnancy in a person who is 35 years or older* at their estimated delivery date. 1, 2, 3]

Key Facts and Timeline
The Threshold: Age 35 is a statistical and clinical guideline rather than a sudden health cliff; risks increase gradually along a continuum rather than spiking overnight. 1]
Fertility Changes: Natural fertility begins a steady decline in the early 30s, with a more pronounced drop after age 37. If conception does not occur after 6 months of trying (or 3 months if aged 40 or older), providers recommend a fertility evaluation. 1, 2, 3, 4]
Common Risks:
Increased rates of chromosomal or genetic variations (such as Down syndrome) due to declining egg quality.
Higher likelihood of gestational diabetes, chronic or gestational high blood pressure, and preeclampsia (especially for mothers over 40).
Greater chances of miscarriage, preterm birth, low birth weight, multiple pregnancies, and cesarean delivery (C-section). 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Recommended Care: Most people over 35 go on to have healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies. Care typically involves more frequent monitoring, routine prenatal genetic screenings (blood tests and ultrasounds), optional diagnostic tests like amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling (CVS), and sometimes low-dose aspirin to prevent preeclampsia. You can read more about what to expect on the National Health Service Guidance or through health partners like Cleveland Clinic. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6]*

@BMW58

Ok, but 36 is a very common age to have children and in no way remarkable.

It’s not: ‘Last chance, I need to fund her IVF or she’ll be childless’ as OP suggested.

Nor is it: ‘Her fault, too busy prioritising other things, can’t have wanted it that badly’, like her husband apparently thinks.

They've presumably been TTC for 1-2 years to know they’re infertile and have had tests.

I just find it odd and a bit of a way to maybe dramatise the thread a bit.

Russian oligarch's wife? As another poster said, sell a couple of your handbags.

Was this an opportunity to brag about how wealthy you are? And no, no one else is responsible for your friend's infertility. She needs to get over it.

It’s a very kind and generous thing to offer and I would imagine if you have that money you may well be very generous towards friends at birthdays etc. The issue for me isn’t you offering to pay for your friend it’s the fact that you didn’t discuss this as a family first. This isn’t a birthday present or gift, it’s for costly medical intervention. You should have spoken to your DH. It’s your family money if which you want to spend a considerable amount on someone else. Now you are in the unenviable position of having to rescind your offer to your friend.

Do you not work? Why can you not pay for it if it’s something that means so much to you?

I’d be pretty pissed off if dh promised MY money to one of his friends. But what he, stupidly or not, chose to do with his own money after all our family expenses were taken care of is up to him. I think if this is something you are so passionate about, then YOU need to pay for it out of your own earnings and personal spending money.

If as a household you are millionaires, you should have plenty of your own money.

@mindutopia It quite possibly her husband who is the millionaire I'm guessing.