Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

I haven't expressed annoyance to MIL, all I said was have a nice time and asked if they'd be going somewhere nice (which to us, means somewhere Giles coren might have reviewed, that kind of thing, as in not being nosy but wanting to chat about restaurants).

But yeah im struggling to separate them in my mind, I know it's dh not mil who chose not to tell me.

It’s your DH that didn’t tell you so I’m not sure why you are being over dramatic & wanting to take it out on the MIL by not going at half term.

It’s just a lunch, nothing wrong with them having some 1 on 1 time. She has travelled a fair way & didn’t know your DH hadn’t mentioned it

Don’t do this be better than this.

your husbands mum is allowed to see him anytime she wants that is her son. You don’t know why and it might be private, you don’t need to know. I hope it’s just a nice mother and son lunch.

you’ve arranged half term that’s not linked to this.

OP, I sense that you like to be in control of these arrangements and, if I'm honest, I can see why he wouldn't mention it. Have you looked at this from anyone else's perspective? Might his mum fancy an adventure and having lunch with him gives it a bit of purpose? Might she fancy a grown up lunch without having to be grandma?

I suspect you wouldn't be a fan of her plan if you knew about it in advance either. Maybe DH would like to have lunch with his mum. If I got the chance to have lunch with my adult child, I definitely would if I was retired, and I don't think MIL should be obligated to see the rest of the family while she is in the area if she has other plans. We can all do as we please, can't we? Especially retired people with grown up children. Imagine yourself in her shoes in 25 years time. I think it's the nicest thing for your adult children to want to spend time just with you for no pressing reason.

This sounds like it is nothing to do with you, OP. I think this is why you might be reacting by throwing around ultimatums about not visiting at half term and withholding your company, possibly as some sort of consequence for not being notified about lunch.

If DH didn't tell you, why might that be? Was he perhaps trying to keep you and MIL happy? Did he suspect you wouldn't like it? Or he simply forgot. If I felt upset every time DH forgot to mention this sort of thing, life would be tough. It's not his strongest suit.

My DH is close to his mum and I do see plenty of her: she's a joy. However, I do often let him go by himself. Their conversations are different if it is just them. She would never have a moan with me there and occasionally she might if it is just him. I think it is important that DH has relationships with friends and family outside our marriage too. I wouldn't want all my nights out with friends to involve their partners, even though I like them lots too. It just changes the dynamic.

OP, I am genuinely sorry that you feel hurt about this. It is never nice to feel excluded. However, I don't think you have been. I also don't think MIL or DH need to explain meeting for lunch. Who knows what they'll talk about? Up to them, really. I'd just think that was really nice for them to have a lunch together: a treat for DH in his working day and a treat for MIL to come to London to have lunch with the boy she raised who is now a father himself. Try to see what they might get out of it and feel happy for them.

Yes, but MIL then went all vague when Op asked about the restaurant.

Why is it "taking it out on mil" if I'm not there for the whole week? She gets to spend more time with her son and grandchildren? It is a win-win for everyone

You are punishing both of them by messing them about with the half term visit now. It’s a bit childish and if that’s the way you react to other things you don’t like I can see why they are being secretive. The whole I have a work meeting is a retrospective retelling to justify not going when before you were happy to go. It’s hard to hear people disagreeing with you but just try and sit with it for a bit.

I'm surprised so many posters are trying to say this is completely normal behaviour.

He changed his WFH day specifically so he could meet his mum for lunch after she'd travelled 9 hours to do so and yet posters are claiming he forgot or it wasn't something that would be mentioned.

His behaviour is really odd and I too would feel hurt by the secrecy.

I think you have hugely overreacted OP. I would be more concerned that one of your IL's or DH maybe ill or dealing with something huge that they feel needs a mother/son discussion without anyone else present. The fact your first reaction was to assume it's about you and how dare they not tell you indicates you are quite self centred imo.

It's not that MIL and DH are doing it - it's the cloak and dagger methods employed by both of them, to almost comical effect.

I sense that you like to be in control

I can't persuade you, but this is incorrect. Truly.

It isn't faux naive. I'm not the one they're desperate to spend time with. And I'm not saying that in a petty way.

When my mum visits (from abroad) she wouldn't be sad if my dh was absent. She's h3re to see me and the kids. She likes dh obviously but she wouldn't be like "he's punishing me by going to a work meeting!!"

Wouldn't it be a nice day out? I'm nowhere near retire age and DD is a teen still, but I'd do a day trip to see her for lunch, especially if I could go by train. I am making a mental note of this for the future..

I don’t understand what seeing them at half term has got to do with them having lunch?

MIL didn't know it was a secret though..she let the cat out of the bag on the phone.

I have adult DC and whilst I absolutely adore DS DP, yes, I do like to see him on his own sometimes (same as DD) I don’t think OP has a problem with that.

What she’s saying is, she’s pissed off with DH for keeping it a completely unnecessary secret. There was no need to be deceptive like he was.

I would be really annoyed with him for that OP, but I wouldn’t make a link between your hurt feelings about his deception and your leaving early at half term.

I think it's odd he didn't tell you but would you have mentioned it to children or wanted to go yourself ? It's perfectly ok for them to want to meet up together without anyone else.

She could also be discussing something very private, health issues , his father etc

I'm not sure it counts as a secret if the way you found out is one of the people involved casually telling you on the phone!

You weren't informed. That's not the same as someone actively keeping a secret from you. If it was a secret meeting I don't think MIL would have casually mentioned it, do you?

He's also trying to imply he just forgot to mention it. This would only be believable if he hadn't changed his wfh day.

My reaction yesterday morning was "you're wfh today?? But it's Tuesday! I was hoping to use the home office" and I had to move all my laptop, second screen, cables, charger etc to the dining table, taking multiple trips. Easiest thing in the world to say "yeah sorry, it's because my mum is seeing me for lunch today". But no

I agree with this. It seems odd that he didn't mention it, but you sound really controlling, so maybe that's why. You are now going to punish everyone by cancelling half term plans. Sounds like such a nasty reaction.

Would you have wanted to go?

Well mum clearly didn't know it was or expect it to be secret, so yes you're blaming the wrong person. I don't know why DH kept it secret, but I agree with you he did that deliberately, I don't buy the whole it just never came up nonsense.

I do think you're behaving badly in changing the HT plans. There's no indication at all that this was MiL's doing but there are things you need to sort out with DH, which frankly is where almost all mil issues lie.

Because you are choosing to opt out of time with MIL, your children & DH all because your DH & MIL had lunch together.

surely you see the absolute unreasonableness and disparity in your resulting actions. Why does everyone have to be punished just because your DH had lunch with his mum.

I guess he didn't tell her that he hadn't told me. A sort of secret-squared. Ugh.

I guess he's just the kind of man who keeps everything secret by default, only divulging stuff on a need to know basis. It is an ugly trait and im sick of it