Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

I know youre right. I'm sorry, I'm just upset. She's a really lovely person and that's why the kids love seeing her so much. She seemed pretty surprised on the phone that I didn't know. She was like "didn't Ben tell you I was meeting him today?" I was so thrown.

Still, I know her well enough that she wouldn't be sad if I leave half term early. It's just more time eith the kids. She already knows about this meeting on the 30th I'm reluctant to miss.

Well he's certainly very self contained OP.

Perhaps it makes him feel superior in some way, knowing things you don't.

I’m with you on the secrecy OP. He changed his wfh day to accommodate the MIL lunch on Wednesday and had lunch with you on Tuesday. There’s no way he forgot, so if he says he did he’s lying about that. Is he being cagey about where they went and why she came? Is it possible it’s because they want to ring fence some money from you and are feeling guilty?

You don't see the big deal about her husband lying to her?

It sounds like a culture of secrecy and shadiness in his family. His first loyalty should be to his partner, but it sounds like it isn't. I would hazard a guess that your H has said he wants to discuss something with his mum. This could be the standard pathetic moaning where blokes pretend they are so badly treated in the relationship and the mum laps it up and colludes (usually the men who do this are far from pulling their weight in the family). Or he has a bigger secret he wants to discuss with her. MIL has assumed you know about the meeting but not the reason, hence she was flustered when you asked the totally normal question about going somewhere nice.

He has absolutely lied by omission. It's deceptive behaviour. The whole working week has been rearranged to accommodate this secret meeting. It's absolutely disingenuous to suggest he 'just forgot to mention it' or that he couldn't tell the OP because she's controlling. People try to work that angle on the OP need to find someone else to pick on.

I'm guessing there's probably a ton of backstory @Icannotwriteonit . I'm sorry your thread has attracted the usual horrible daytime posters. They purposefully misunderstand and attack.

But, when DH does the usual "good day love?" I'll bet you'd mention you had lunch with your Mum. If she'd travelled 4.5 hours each way to get there that would probably come up too?

You are not feeling affectionate towards her because she wanted to see her son on his own for lunch and was happy to spend a day on the train to do so? She didn’t keep it a secret, why are you so angry with her?

Re why it was kept a secret, one thought is that your dh knew you wouldn’t be happy about the lunch and thats why he didn’t mention it, and despite everything you say it seems like he is correct (if that was his motive). You have used a few phrases that suggests you are miffed - for example jumping to the conclusion that mil thinks you are keeping dh prisoner snd that’s why she wants to see him alone.

On a practical note i would happily spend a day on the train if it meant I didn’t need to drive but people would make a massive fuss about it so I would likely pretend I had driven 😂 maybe your dh thought the long trip for his dm was nuts and didn’t want to discuss it with you because his mum was determined to do it? Or another more positive thought, maybe he thought you would suggest she comes back after lunch much and spend the night to break up the journey and he didn’t want that hassle for you. Tbh there are lots of possibilities why he didn’t mention the lunch and most of them are minor.

makes you look like the villain

Genuinely thank you, I needed the laugh. I was feeling a bit tearful but I just laughed out loud reading this.

Thank you mumsnet for making me feel much better about it all. I've tried to click the thanks and heart button because I'm not good at doing the at- thing.

No, you are deliberately giving a reaction/consequence that makes your MIL (and DH) feel bad because in your eyes they've stepped out of line and displeased you in order to make them think twice about doing it again. And yes, that is controlling and abusive, especially since they did nothing wrong.

I agree Op, it is very strange that he didn't mention it, especially as you had lunch with him the day before.

I have been married 45 years and my DH would have mentioned seeing his mother especially if it was such a long distance for her to come. I can't really fathom why he wouldn't.

However, you have a DH issue not a MIL issue. You really need to sit down and ask him about it. I wouldn't accept that he simply forgot. I would mention him needing a medical assessment if he continues with that line of 'defence'.

Yes

I don't know why people are being so weird to the OP

Her DH has behaved really strangely about this lunch

He's deliberately withheld information and now OP feels upset - quite rightly. It's just a fucking lunch with his mum, not being recruited into MI5.

Just say "oh I'm meeting mum for lunch on Wednesday so I'm going to swap my Wfh day"

Instead he's turned it into a massive drama and OP feels like there's some massive secret she's not party to and feels unwanted and deceived

I would feel the exact same if my DH did this in some weird secret way

There's no need!

She’s angry because her DH is lying to her and MIL is involved. Isn’t it obvious?

I sometimes feel an urge to start a thread on Mumsnet if I can't decide about something, but remembering that I too will get a load of weirdo responses always brings me to my senses. It's not that one wants to be agreed with, it's the creative use of extrapolation on the part of some posters that is often quite breathtaking.

😂😂😂
OPs DH would make a terrible spy. He’s made a right cock up of this scenario and now the whole on MN is onto him.

Gosh Op you're getting a roasting on here from the contrarians. Most of the posters replying wouldn't mind if their other half went abroad for a year and didn't tell them, how can you be so controlling and high-strung Op? So gross and needy.

But back on planet Earth, this weird secrecy is something I live with and I do find it hurtful because of all of the subtle implications. I end up feeling offended, defensive, and second-guessing myself - am I controlling? Maybe I am? I don't feel I am? Why can't I be a Cool Wife and not need to know anything at all and just glide along blissfully serene with no needs whatsoever?

I think it's corrosive because it feels like, in my life anyway, I want to justify myself, I want to say out loud, I'm not intrusive, I'm a nice, ordinary person. I'm not going to stop you from living your life. Why do you remotely think that you have to hide things from me? Crack on. And, you know, often I'm thinking, please, go out with the kids and give me a lovely empty house for a couple of hours!

He does it about all sorts of non-events that I couldn't give a shit about, but it's like being kept on an information diet by my other half and it's hard.

It's a really long journey. I just wonder if one of them has something they want to talk about, and that's why DH didn't say anything. Also, if she's travelling this far and you'd known, would there have been the option for her to stay over at yours (just thinking it's a long way just for a couple of hours lunch)? If so, why didn't DH say she was coming up and ask to invite her to stay.

Sometimes I don’t tell my partner if I’m doing something that a bit out of the norm because I just can’t be bothered to discuss it. It’s not a secret, it’s just that I know she’ll say ‘oh why are you doing that/ why not do xxx instead/ how about doing xxx so I can join you’, etc. I just want to go and do the thing without being questioned as I know it’ll make me second guess myself and not want to do the thing.

Weird, I know, and won’t make sense if you’re the type of person who happily shares everything with everyone.

But would you TELL your DH you had seen your DM? Or would you keep it secret?

I can only assume from this that your DH obviously knows you're not keen on his parents and 'only spend time with them' for your DCs sakes . Hence the keeping quiet about the meeting .

No it isn't. The OP said her MIL sounded surprised that her DH hadn't mentioned it. Doesn't suggest to me that MIL knew she was in the middle of a big secret conspiracy.

The only person who should have any heat on them here is the husband.

Crikey. My DH sees his father (his mother has been dead for ages) for lunch and certainly doesn't think to tell me in advance and often doesn't remember to tell me afterwards for a day or two, and my DH is not at all secretive. I do think people are allowed to see their own parents without needing to tell their partner!

It would play on my mind, and probably cause an argument/words due to this, whereas if I’d been told beforehand I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid

Totally this

Yes. This exactly.

Well you’re talking about cancelling half term plans for a start. How is that not a punishment ? You sound like hard work.

But does your fil travel 4.5 hours for lunch? Does your dh rearrange his work commitments to be able to meet his df?