Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Your partner? I wouldn't expect that off my worst enemy.

If that's bickering then I'm an alien. Your partner is an abusive, disgusting human being! We have a similar history but very unsimilar partners thank goodness. My dh never ever brings up anything from the past, never has said even a quarter of what you've written in ten years. Sorry but yours does not love you don't blame drink
Editing to add I did eventually go to police with my family behind me and the person who did it to me is now not only on sex offenders for life other cases came out and he is also serving a prison term which ended up being long because of all the cases together

Key inside the lock when you get in so he can't enter. Then take it from there.

Hear, hear.

Time is of the essence here so I won’t go into my thoughts on this ‘man’.
OP do you have someone who could be with you at your house and support you when he returns? Please do not let him in.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

It's a line drawn that can't erased.

Act now how you would advise your child to act as if it was them. What would you say to them about the next steps? Right it down. Follow it.

It's not his choice. You make the decisions about who lives in your house. OP, if you've been on mumsnet a while, you'll know that it's almost NEVER that everyone agrees. I can't remember the last time I saw every single poster saying that a relationship cannot be saved and to end the relationship immediately. We all know it's scary and not easy, but I can't remember a more obvious case where it really has to be done. Don't let him in your house. Call the police if you need to - and stay safe.

It's not about you OP. It's him. He's a nasty excuse for a 'man'. Get rid of him as fast as you can. Stay safe. Find a decent therapist to talk it all through. Of course you are shocked - his behaviour IS shocking but its really not you. Hold your head high.

More men than we care to acknowledge think like this. You don't want your child brought up around a vile scumbag like this. Leave him OP, what more can I say.

OP, I really think this is a horrible man who doesn’t respect you and your life will be better without such a person in it.
I think you will have a nicer life going forward if you leave this man.
If you are reliant on him financially can you go to your parents for a few years while getting trained for a better job? He is much too unpleasant to spend any more time with.

Men don’t call women they love and respect slags or sponges.

Tell him you’ll call the police if he tries to come back. I know you’re in shock but this is now the time for action. He has shown you who he is and it’s a nasty, vindictive person, who clearly hates you and wishes to cause you as much pain as possible. I wouldn’t put it past him to try and rape you to “teach you a lesson”. This is not a person to allow in your home without someone else around.

Oh goodness. This is awful.

Have you someone you can accompany you home and help bag his belongings up. Someone who can back you up when he comes home. Is it likely to get physical?

You don’t have to make him understand that it wasn’t a lie. What you do need to do is end your relationship with him. Do not plead and beg him to believe you, he’s not going to, he’s one of too many despicable men who believe that ‘women asked for it’ rather thank acknowledging that rape is a real thing.

This is just awful, truly. I mean this kindly when i say he doesn't like you and likely hates you.

The more you try to justify, explain or reason with someone who doesn't care about you or the truth because their thoughts are the most important thing and they hate you. The more you give them justification that they're right. They'll look for loop hole or gaps in what they think they hear of their version of your truth. You don't need to look for why he's saying that, what you did or why he doesn't believe you. He already believes his version.

He calls you a sponge, a slag and a liar about your worst moments, all whilst living in your home and with your children and claiming to love you!

If you would never behave this way to someone let alone someone you love, get rid. It'll benefit your childrens lives and your own to not have him and his opinion in your home.

He told you that you enjoyed being raped.

If you haven't already gone for good, I don't know what you're waiting for.

💐

Sadly it's true. He hates you.
It's no way for you to live like this. You ll be advised to start rebuilding a life without him, yes you should do it.
Get rid.

See my post above. He doesn’t respect you. He’s got a surprise coming!

Please ditch this piece of shit immediately

he actually hates me and wants to hurt me as much as possible

Now you know this, you cannot ignore it. He's an abusive man and from the things you say he has said to you before this incident, he has always been abusive.

I know it's likely that you will choose to stay with him.

Bin him. Right now.
Your relationship is dead after what he has said and done.
(You don’t owe him a single thing and how could you stand being anywhere near him now?)

Because you are a woman (and a mother) and he is just an inadequate man who nevertheless thinks he is every woman’s master.
This is pretty much the kernel of Western civilisation come to think of it, so don't waste time teasing out his reasons, just kick him into touch immediately, and save yourself.

You are absolutely right to finish with this guy. It's really tough to begin with but it'll get easier and you'll get stronger.
Reconfirm that he is not to return to your property. As you no longer allow him to live there.
If you can, get someone out to change the locks, so he can't re-enter the property. If you can't, can you lock the house down (so can't re-enter) until you can. Call the police if he turns nasty.
Bag all his property up for him to collect/you drop at his mum's.
Consider a legal letter banning him from your house or a non-mol if appropriate.
He sounds nasty, abusive and just living with you for the free lodgings......
If there is anyone in RL who can come and support you, that would be a good call!

It’s good you own the house, don’t let him back in the house, put in the inside door lock so he can’t get in and get a locksmith to change the locks asap. Call the police if he makes a fuss.

Have you got anyone who can be there if he comes back?

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. What an arse!
He’s never behaved like this before?