Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

It doesn’t seem like it, he does hate you. I wouldn’t even say what he said to someone I hate.

Sorry just saw update. You need him out of your house. Get company / involve Police at any sign of difficulty. You deserve peace and space and time.

Rather than try to understand why he said what he did, try asking why, when he found out you had been raped, he didn't challenge his mates' behaviour (high fiving the men in the pub and pretending it was consensual)?
Or better still knock him senseless?
(I am assuming that you weren't together when you were assaulted).

You don’t need his permission to get him out of your home. He’s got no right to be there. Pack his stuff up and change the locks. If he gets nasty when he tries to come back call 999.

Get rid of him today. He’s not on your team.

You don't need to convince him of anything, except the fact your relationship is over. You can't still want to be with him after everything he said. Rape or any type of sexual abuse is a horrific thing to go through and if my husband threw my rapist in my face like that I would leave him. Your partner has shown you what he's really like. He's an abusive POS and you deserve better than him.
It doesn't matter if you are seen as the bad guy or people like him, you know what he's really like. Do you really want your children to grow up with a monster in the house?

When people ask why it ended, practice saying it’s because you were raped and as a result he called you a slag.

It’ll be uncomfortable for them and you, but it’s true and makes it absolutely clear that there is no defending him.

Can you continue living with this vile, vicious piece of scum knowing what he really thinks of you?

There would be coming back from this surely??

It doesn’t matter whether he cares or not, or wants to live with his mum or not, he’s a vile misogynist who thinks you’re a slut, so he can move the fuck out of YOUR house, because why would he want to live with a slut anyway??

Honestly OP, you’re worth so much more than this, get rid of him.

For one thing he's living in your house and unemployed. So who's the gold digger exactly?

As it's your house and you're not married (be grateful for his unwillingness to commit) you can get him out any time you like. I suggest now would be a good time.

Any chance he's started following Andrew Tate and his ilk? That's what it sounds like to me. Women are scum, only have a place in the kitchen and the bedroom, and are to be belittled and put down constantly.

Don't let him back in your house. Don't give him another moment, except to communicate about your child. He's a harmful misogynist and needs to take his harm elsewhere.

He doesn't like you, he doesn't respect you, he has shown absolute contempt for you and your feelings. He is the father of your child and thinks it's acceptable to treat his child's mother like this.
His response to you telling him not to come back reinforces everything nasty about him. Arrogant, ignorant and abusive.
This is emotional abuse. How can you continue to live with a man who can be so cruel and has discussed you in the pub with his friends. He is utterly vile and doesn't have one redeeming feature. Get rid, lock him out today if you can. Think of your children. You can have a much better life without him

You're never going to get anything but abuse and disrespect from this man. Seriously, this is not going to get better ever, you are not going to be able to reason with him, he will never give you any empathy, care or love no matter what you say or do, and no matter how much you deserve it.

This is it. Make this the turning point and never look back. That pathetic man is a waste of oxygen he deserves nothing from you.

Your worth more than this, don't let this man try to make you feel this way. Your strong enough to carry on after being raped , you can certainly carry-on without his nasty attitude

He hates you, OP. His actions are worse than apathetic - he acted in a way to cause you emotional harm. He hates you and you deserve so much better. Please treat yourself kindly as it must be a shock to be going through this. I’m sorry

He can fuck right off. Put him in the bin immediately

He's an absolute scum bag. I would not allow him back in the house, I would not even feel safe being around him after he's said such things.
Be honest as to why you've split up, you've done both wrong.

Men like this are such shits and the country seems to be so fucking over run with them.

I'm so sorry. I left an abusive arsehole 11 years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did.

Pack his bags and leave them out front. Lock the door and leave the keys in the other side so he can’t open it.

Call a friend to let them know what’s happening so they can support you, and do not let him intimidate you into letting him stay. He is a vile human being at best, and people like this escalate from words pretty quickly at times so just be careful

So what if anyone thinks this? If people in your circle like him and would blame you for ending things, then these people have very poor judgment and you don't need their good opinion.
To hell with others; focus on yourself and the children, and seal all entrances against his insidious influence.

He does hate you. A man who speaks like that hates all women.

Prepare for him/his mum/his friends and his relatives bombarding you with messages telling you he didn’t mean it, you’re overreacting, you have no sense of humour and he’s sorry you’re upset. Ignore all of it.

He's saying this to be as shitty to you as he can, because he's an abusive arsehole and that's what people like him do. Get rid; you don't want your child living with someone like that!

Have you got IRL support?

He needs to pack his bags ASAP and leave you alone. He’s a nasty piece of work and now downplaying his nastiness. He doesn’t get to call the shots on this one.