Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

I reallllly like the sound of axe throwing, there’s a place round the corner does Viking axe throwing. I’ve just made do with shoving the black bin out the gate really hard (it’s bin day tomorrow I’ve not just randomly done it!)

I can withstand a lot. But all this crap has brought everything back, that I thought was behind me.

And no he’s not gone easily. He walked in with our son a day earlier than expected like nothing happened and asked when I’m going to stop moping. I have some birthday plans with my eldest tomorrow and need ‘partner’ to collect my youngest (his) son from school tomorrow so I’m keeping quiet so he can’t ruin the nice day I’ve got lined up but after tomorrow he can FUCK OFF

Good plan. Then find your anger but keep it ice cold. I hope you have a good day with your eldest.

I so believe youband I'm so sorry.
You have had so much taken from you, but don't allow that nasty loser take your health and peace.

YOU will have the last laugh here when you get him out and NEVER allow him entry into your home again.💐

So sorry for what you’ve been through xx

The Police behaved appallingly, I’m so sorry💐

Over 70,000 rape cases are reported to the police annually in England and Wales. (Although estimates suggest that a large number of cases actually go unreported). Of those cases, about 7000 (10%) are referred to the CPS for a charging decision. The remaining 90% dont get referred due to lack of CCTV, digital forensics, or third-party witnesses. So in your soon to be exs reasoning that's 62,000ish people every year he would accuse of being liars. You know soon yo ne ec is a pariah. Do your festivities for the child and then tell him to fuck off.

I am so so sorry you went through the rape in the first place and then this additional trauma. It’s utterly reprehensible. You deserved better.

I don’t know if it’s a reassurance to know that when I recently reported DA, the police were great and there was a follow up survey about how they conducted themselves. Some police forces are really trying to change. I know that doesn’t help you now, but may be a small comfort that small changes are happening.

You are holding very justifiable anger and that’s hard to let go of. But it’s not good for your body to hold it in. So try and channel it - something physical can be good. Often on a long drive in a quiet area I’ll shout what I’d like to say to the people that hurt me.

Sending you love and strength.

I have found that emptying bottles into the recycling bins is really cathartic for taking out anger I'm feeling for someone. But axe throwing might be just as good. 👹 You're doing well to make your plans and get rid of this absolute piece of shite.

Your bin shoving made me smile with recognition. I did angry lawn mowing in the summer. We find ways eh? Anyway you treat that bin with the contempt it deserves as the symbol of the men you rightly feel so much anger towards.

A brighter and more peaceful future awaits.

Oh yes. And shoving cardboard into the muncher at the tip. I imagine it’s his head being squished. Feel much better afterwards. I’d never actually do harm to anyone but a little fantasy now and then is ok I reckon.

🤬 That is just so shocking. Men have been getting away with this shit for so long.

That’s awful OP. I was under the impression police dealt with abuse like this better. @PrettyPickle seems very well informed, maybe look at her advice? I do believe you. I have been in a coercive relationship, a long time ago before it was really recognised. I do know what shit like that does to your self esteem. Please keep posting and updating when you can. Gunning for you!

The only thing i'm struggling with is that you're still with him...as if you haven't had enough trauma in your life without having to put up with that kind of disgusting behaviour, like you need to be constantly reminded of what happened!

Honestly @amigoingmadd i would just plan to get the f**k out of there, you don't need that kind of person in your life...it's not going to get any better! Big hugs x

Whoah! Your local tip has a cardboard shredder???!!?? We've just got a big skip to tip it all into, so not satisfying at all. 😯

More of a muncher than shredder. So satisfying to see the box that represents your abusers head being crushed by a massive piece of dense metal.

I hope you were able to enjoy a birthday day with your eldest today.

But they didn’t have to live with him . You don’t know someone properly until you have lived with them .

He is evil. He’s really upped the ante and relishing certain news items. I’m heartbroken I’ve had a child with such a sadistic, evil, evil man. I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.

Sorry to read your update. You need support and you cannot continue to manage this on your own. Make an appointment with your GP and seek out counselling. Contact womens aid and the rape crisis centre. You need to talk to someone who understands and who can give you the support and strength to go forward.
Stop all contact with him other than by text to arrange support for your child. Keep screenshots of all the messages. Remember no verbal contact.
Good luck

Is he still in your home?
What news items?
It is really tough but you are not without agency here. It is your home and he needs to go.
He is evil, and all the terrible things you’ve said but you need some support now and he needs to go and live with his mother.

There’s been a tragedy involving my eldest on the day we were meant to celebrate his birthday. I don’t know how I’m functioning at the minute. I don’t care about ex. Everything seems so irrelevant now. But I can’t get over how cruel he is, to use this against me as well. About my boy whose life he has been in since he was very young. And to top it all off, making comments about how he feels sorry for Russell Brand!!

He’s using this as a reason to stay close, acting the supportive partner everyone thinks he is but mimicking my crying with gestures and ‘boo hoo’ noises. Thinks if I ‘bring up a petty past argument’, they will all think I’m a psycho for dwelling on ‘silly disagreements’ at a time like this and that they’ll all think it’s the grief talking if I try to get rid of him.

That sounds terrible. I think people on this thread are very worried about this wretched creature being in your family home, and rightly OP. Sending good wishes.

It is OK for you to do whatever you need to do at this time.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I’d be protecting my peace and grey rocking any unnecessary communication.

Why are you still in contact with him?