Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Lock the doors. Change the locks ASAP. Tell him that you will pack up his stuff and send it in a taxi to his mother’s. It’s up to him where he stays.

Tell him that your solicitor will be in contact in due course re his contact with your shared dc.

I’ve been on MN for a very long time. Rarely am I shocked. But your first post @amigoingmadd is as shocking as it gets.

He has just shown you exactly who he is. Listen to him. Dump him and get him out of your home.

What have I just read?! You poor soul. Its beyond belief that he has been thinking this for 10 years. Has he got into this manosphere stuff recently? At the very least, this was the pain of the hangover causing him to hit out at you, and go as low as he could. I'm not excusing it at all. I don't think anyone could get past this. But don't worry yourself that he's been thinking it all along. This isn't information about you, it's a reflection of where he is in his head, right now. Just come to terms that that is what he is thinking, for whatever sick reason, and look after yourself. Sending big hugs.

The police will help you to evict him, if the house is in your name. In the meantime, take care.

Change the locks and put his stuff outside, absolutely vile behaviour- don’t let him work his way back that’s awful

Lock all of the doors/windows . Log it with the non emergency police number and let them know you may need them to attend.
pack his stuff and request his parent /friend attend alone later to collect his belongings. (Or have a friend of your drop them to his mums)
change the locks.
have a friend with you
get this vile abusive scum bag away from you, your home & children

If it is your house, he's out.

Dont let ANYONE tell you that you are overreacting.
If anyone tries to talk you round, you say loudly and clearly:

'he's made it very clear he doesnt actually like me very much, so there is no point in staying with him, and I wont let my children grow up thinking that people talking to each other like they hate each other is normal'
Loudly, over and over again, to him, to family, to friends, to yourself.

He doesnt like you, he's demonstrated that over and over again, so any begging or pleading or excuses he might try and pull are purely because he doesnt want his life to change, not because he actually loves and likes you and wants to be together, he would effectively be using you as a place to live. Dont put up with that. Dont let him manipulate you. Dont let him use the kids as a manipulation tactic. All he has to do is be nice to you and he cant manage it. So he's not ready to be in a relationship, and if he was a decent bloke he'd recognise that and take himself out of the situation rather than continuing to hurt you. The fact he expects you to put up with it shows he's not a good person, he's putting what he wants over whats best for you and the kids, so he needs to be gone.

Sorry but there is no way to recover the relationship after that. He clearly is an awful person. No one would say stuff like that to someone they love.

So he lives rent free in your house, but you're the gold digger? I don't think so!

Just kick him out, seriously. He has shown he does not love or value you so there's no reason to keep him around.

You can drive yourself insane trying to understand men who act like this, or trying to make them understand you, so my advice would be don't bother. (easier said than done, I know)

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and wish you a bright and peaceful future without him.

I'm so sorry love. You need to get rid.

You deserve so much better than this piece of shit.

Sounds like he's the spongeHe doesn't work. lives in your house?

You're not married. It's your home (owned? Rented?). You can just end the relationship immediately. And it doesn't matter if he thinks you're making a big deal out of it - he doesn't get to decide if you want to end the relationship.

PS you're not making a big deal. He's horrible.

What on earth have I just read?!
Please leave. He's vile.

He's an abusive bastard Op, he lives in your house and doesn't work so it's dented his ego, he's making himself feel better by dragging you down. It doesn't matter what he thinks, it doesn't matter if everyone likes him, they only see the public show not the real nasty piece of work he is at home. Change the locks, today if you can, you owe him nothing

Why is he not already your ex-partner?

Have some self worth and self respect.

this.

Your partner is a narcissist and an emotional abuser. You need to get him out your life asap. He’s trouble! I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through.

I'm not usually one to jump straight to LTB either but in this case I'm giving one of the biggest LTB's ever.

Please seek help from a women’s organisation to end this relationship and safer ways to do that & get him out (if you have the contract for the property). A man who would do and say that seems a risk to his partner.

Oh my god I feel sick for you. This man is cruel and abusive and you deserve far far better. Throw him out, don’t worry one bit about what anyone thinks or says about that. He is hateful. Big hugs to you, this is just awful for you but you will get through it.

I wish I could give you a hug right now and hold your hand.

Thank god the house is in your name.

Call women's aid, call someone to come be with you while you call. Call a locksmith.

Text his mother so she knows he has caused the breakup and he can't come back to your house

You do not need to explain to anyone, gice anyone the whole story. Just his behaviour crossed the line. Him calling you vile names is enough if you say anything.

You will get through this.

you don't need his permission op. probably can't get the locks changed but can you secure it from the inside? leave a bag of stuff outside and tell him to stay at his Mom's.

how often do his kids stay with you?

Spoiler

There is no 'seems like'

He DOES hate you.
He DOES want to hurt you as much as possible.
The reason he does it, is because he gets off on the power and control over you.
Men are often driven sexually by power and control.

He does not love you.

I wouldn't be letting him in. Some things you can work out. This, how do you even begin to move past that? Some things are beyond it. This is one of them.
You just don't say that to someone you're supposed to love.

It’s certainly lucky that the house is yours, and you are unmarried.

What was said to you is totally unforgivable, a vicious bout of verbal violence. Nothing could convince me that such a man has any saving graces, nor should he be living with any woman at all.
He very clearly loathes us, though he uses women for the usual comforts like the majority of dark misogynists always do.

Your having been raped is a separate issue to the urgent one right now, so if the subject can be put aside for the moment without my seeming uncaring, can you immediately text him to say he should not return after that clearly final row, and that arrangements can be made about access to the child, and for collecting his things? (I’d definitely get a locksmith round)
I mean you can’t have him under your roof any more, can you? Heat of the moment outbursts may be one thing, but this was a prolonged attack revealing truths about him you surely can’t accept. Disgusting, filthy blows.
No relationship could prosper after that (nor should it be encouraged to).

God, I cant imagine your hurt and shock today, my dear. I’m so sorry you had to endure such a thing.
That would have splattered my spirit very badly, but you are very clearly made of better stuff than I am!
That’s excellent, and it shows that you’ll be grand without him around. You don’t need such a heavy, toxic miasma in your family home.

I’m sure updates and excellent advice have been coming in since I embarked on this so I’ll split, but wishing you every bit of strength and determination to stride forth thoroughly proud of yourself, not one bit diminished by this nasty waste of Mother Nature’s efforts with humanity.

Op freedom program

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

Dump him immediately.

As he lives in your house, throw his stuff outside, get a locksmith to change all the locks as an emergency and call the police if he tries anything to get back in.

He has shown you who he really is.