Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

you could spend the rest of your lifetime trying to work out why people who've hurt you have done it. That won't serve you. The question you need to ask yourself is what makes you question yourself that you stick around.

what do you need to help you leave?

Omg this is horrific. Leave this piece of trash op. How dare he.

It’s my house, he moved in with me and my older kids, we also have an 8 year old together. People would think the relationship ending has come out of nowhere and I’ll be the bad guy, of course. Everyone likes him.

Being with this man any longer will destroy you. You will become a shell of yourself.

Your child deserves to have a healthy, happy mum who is not being belittled and emotionally abused.

The longer your child lives under the same roof as this relationship, the more likely it is they will replicate the same relationship dynamic as adults themselves. Let that fuel you to leave him.

He’s a monster. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you certainly don’t deserve to be retraumatised by this abuser.

x

That’s a good position to be in, chuck him out and don’t worry what anyone else thinks of him. If he talks like this to you I’m sure other people know what he’s really like

What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation? Do that x

1. It’s irrelevant what other people think of him. You live with him. They don’t.
2. They may well not like him anyway. I never tell people what I actually think of their partners (unless of course, I genuinely like them).

Brilliant, change the locks job done.

Im so sorry OP, how fucking awful for you. There is truly no way back from this though.

I’m going to throw up I can’t believe this is my life

HRTFT, I don't need to. I've been married for over thirty years and we have three DC, so pretty entwined lives. I would leave DH in a heartbeat if he called me a slag, let alone disputing what you went through. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but don't feel there is any way back from this.

It’s not going to be your life any more. Get rid of this bastard. Change the locks on your home and tell him to fuck off forever.

Are you married?

I know it’s easier said than done, but please kick him out. Change the locks, leave his stuff on the doorstep.

You can't stay with a man like this. The stuff he's said you just can't come back from, it's unforgiveable. Please be careful and protect yourself as these kinds of men don't leave easily, do you have anyone to support you and who you can talk to? please stay safe

Op this is profoundly abusive behaviour. The fact that he doesn't believe you, the fact that he's deliberately using a horrific trauma to hurt you as much as he possibly can. There is no love or respect there, he hates you and wants to hurt you.

Who cares if other people like him? You can't ruin your life by staying with a man who hates you and hurts you just because people who don't know him like you do think think he's alright.

And you don't need to try and make him understand - he deliberately wants to be hurtful. He hasn't done this accidentally or because you haven't found the right way of explaining the circumstances. He will never "understand" because his goal isn't understanding, his goal is to hurt you and to use your pain to manipulate you into behaving the way he wants you to.

This is not forgivable.

Not married, he never wanted to commit. Lucky me I guess

I must’ve really wounded his ego when u defended myself against his goldigger swipe. I was just trying to point out his flawed argument.

You can still be a sponge even with a not rich man.

You can still be dependent on someone if you need them to come to the shops with you.

But, those two things aside, he sounds like a really vile man. Anyone that calls you a slag and a liar about previous abuse is not someone to share your life with.

You don't need to vindicate yourself or to make him understand. What he has said is vile - absolutely beyond redemption. I'm glad to hear it's your house as it makes it much easier to remove this festering cancer from your life. I'm sure it won't be easy, but surely you know that you cannot keep living with this man. So very sorry that all this has happened to you OP.

If it’s your house then change the locks and leave his stuff outside. There’s really no coming back from that. Do your close family/ friends know about the rape? If so I’d not hesitate to tell them what he said. Also someone who could say those things won’t be a nice person. He’s eroded your confidence and has you believing everyone will take his side, I bet the reality looks very different.

All I can say OP is thank god it’s your house. Change the locks. Bag his stuff and leave it on the doorstep. Tell
him to message you about seeing his kid otherwise he’s dead to you. I know that sounds hyper dramatic but honestly I could never forgive that. Truly awful. Hugs

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He is a horrible man and you need to get rid of him. Do you have family, Dad, brother, someone who can be with you when you tell him to leave? Or just text him and tell him not to come back. Get locks changed. Get rid of him as soon as possible. But you will need some support. I hope you have some.

It doesn't matter what "everyone" else thinks. You can tell them that the way he talks to you is abusive, or that he's made it clear that he has no respect for you, or that the trust has gone, if you want to tell them anything at all.
What a disgusting person he is.

I’m really not, though, I just wanted to stick to the plans we had made yesterday because we agreed we were going to go and get some things and have a nice time.
I usually do the shopping by myself and have nothing against doing so. I’m very independent and he was trying to make me sound like I’m not. The whole thing was absurd

He's not giving you information about yourself, he's giving you information about Him! And that information tells you he's a disgusting, abusive, misogynistic prick

Doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Doesn't even particularly matter what you "partner" thinks. It's your house so don't let him back in and arrange for a trusted friend to handle his belongings. Apply for CMS and forget you were ever romantically involved with him.
Even before we get to his opinion about the rape, he told you a lot of unpleasant things that should have never been said in a relationship. And, I bet, it is part of a much bigger picture. I'd be amazed if he was a dotting and loving partner before this conversation.

Thank goodness you aren’t married and you own your house!

I would tell him there is no coming from this and he needs to leave now. If anyone you know is surprised, just tell them that people aren’t always the same behind closed doors.

Just think-you can be living under a different roof to this man before you know it