Ex has changed DC’s surname at school without telling me

[zapberry]

I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.

DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.

At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.

Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.

I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.

I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.

My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.

There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.

She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.

So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.

She can’t legally change their name without your permission. I would probably go to school with the birth certs and explain that this is the legal names of your children and unless they have something superseding it other than your exs ‘say so’ that you’d appreciate everything being in their actual surname.

You are right it will cause problems with the inconsistencies otherwise.

Why don't you just change the names properly so they can have the double barrelled name everywhere? It seems fairest, although traditionally children always had their mother's name if the parents were unmarried. They only had their father's name if the mother also had that name.

So the mum has double barreled it? I think that is reasonable, but there should have been a discussion. We double barreled DC’s surname by deed poll after we split to include my surname. NHS records have the double barreled surname - can’t recall how we did that…

Yep, first post nailed it. This isn't on. You can't just make up a new surname!

Definitely talk to the school and show them birth cert or passports and ask them to use the kids real name.

Sounds fun for the kids. Be the grown up and resolve this properly

We're you married to your ex?

If not the children should have had her surname or been double barrelled until you did get married.

It makes sense for children to have their mother's surname if that's who they live with most of the time. It obviously gives your daughter the sense of being part if a family unit. Your son is too young to properly understand.

They still have your surname too. I really think you should let this go and appreciate thst double barrelled is a good compromise going forward now that you have split up. You'll not look good going into the school to make a fuss. The children can elect to be known as any name without the need to legally change it. Perhaps you could say that you will agree to make the change legal and do the paperwork if you are worried about doctors records etc matching.

Schools can have a preferred name as well as a legal name

It's likely that they have just changed the preferred name

But phone the school and check

That would be very OTT. They can have their mother's name just as much as they can have their father's name. Why would you want to look like a complete prick going in to school with their passports to try and force them to change something really quite sensible that has been in place for months now.

Agree with WhosegottheKeystomyBimma, schools can be asked to use a “ known as” name, legally they will still have the name in their birth certificate, so exam entry or anything else “ legal” will be in that name but day to day they can use the “ known as” name. Usually, the school has to consider it is in the child’s best interest and, ideally, both parents would agree but that usually doesn’t happen! You can request a prohibited steps order to require the school to use the legal name only.

It's tough really. Having a different surname to your dc's is a huge headache. She has only added her surname NOT removed yours.

Don't be daft and make a fuss about this. I double barrelled my dc's at school and activities, my ex never even knew.

If you say you see your kids regularly, then I'm guessing she is the resident parent. It would be kind of controlling and unfair not to allow their names to be double barrelled, and agree that this should be done formally.

And the mother didn't look like a complete prick going in and changing something not only sensible, but legal that had been in place for some years now?

Bet the consensus would be HUGELY different if the dad had done this.

I would have thought it depends on if the children's surname has been changed on the register. A register is a legal document, and should show the legal names of a child. Children can have 'known as' on their records, which is usually just a first name eg Samantha but known as Sammie but I suppose it could be for a surname too.

Your ex isn't allowed to change your children's surnames at school without permission from all those with parental responsibility. If you're listed on the birth certificates, then you have parental responsibility.

You need to contact the school and find out if this change has been actioned officially eg the register has been changed or if this is something been added to the 'known as' section. The school shouldn't be changing anything official without written confirmation from both parents.

Nope, I really don't think she did. They are her children, they should have her last name too.

I can see why she would want to have her name in there too, it's nice to have the same name as your children and you two aren't together so she won't have that now unless they're changed. You should be a nice person and offer to give your consent to change their names legally, your name will still be there

😂 looks like the ex is on Mumsnet OP!

Could someone more knowledgeable than me confirm if double barrelling/adding a name legally qualifies as a ‘name change’. As, to my way of thinking, it’s an addition, not a subtraction or substantive ‘change’.

Their names are still DC X, they’ve just now got name Y appended. I’m not sure I understand why this is a massive deal.

The patriarchy is alive and well I see. Women aren't even allowed to informally add their name to their kids to make day to day life easier.

Legally the school are actually in the wrong over this. Any change of surname requires the permission of everyone with PR, that includes known as surnames. It’s actually very uncommon for a school now to change it without checking that.

Your ex is in the wrong not telling you.

However, I think you need to take a pragmatic approach to this. Courts would very likely allow a double-barrelling so arguing against it just for the sake of arguing against it would be ultimately pointless.

Could this be an opportunity to sit down with your ex and work things out properly to ensure that she knows that she can discuss things with you and that, even if you’re not the biggest fan of something, your main consideration is your children’s welfare & happiness.

the fact her husband has changed his name to hers is a good sign that this isn’t going to be a regularly changing situation.

Adding another name absolutely counts as a change. This one, in the eyes of the court, would most likely be seen as a reasonable change as it’s adding the mother’s name, but it’s still only supposed to be done with agreement of all with PR or the court.

You don't think children should share the surname of their mother - the resident parent? She hasn't removed the OP's surname, she's added hers. Seems pretty uncontroversial to me.

She should have talked to you about it but its not wrong to want the double barrel. She wants the same name as her kids, same as you.

You say you're fine with it if the kids want it. They were never asked if they wanted your name. They're under 10. It's absolutely reasonable to do it because mum wants it and it is fair.

Names can be changed. People do it all the time when they marry etc. Make it legal, update things as they come same as everyone else. Its better to do it now when the discrepancies are football clubs etc rather than making them wait to change it themselves at 16/18 and have actual qualifications in different names.

Approach your ex. Tell her you're not happy it was done behind your back but accept that what she wants is reasonable and offer to make double barreling official.

This is really common in schools. Yes, it would have been better for her to tell you that she was changing their name from Jack Morris to Jack Morris-Brown since she has married Mr Brown, (eg) but she wants the children to still have a link to her, and she has kept the link to you.

Does it make any difference to you? It would have been polite for her to let you know, but you've said earlier you don't get on that well. It is not up to the school to contact you to let your know that your DCs mother has asked them to double barrel the name.

Schools have lots of kids. Trying to keep track of whose parents are together, whose are unmarried and just 'got' married, who have moved in with someone else, etc is not their job. If the parent they usually deal with sends a note in saying in future Jack is to be known as Morris-Brown on the register they will have acted accordingly.

The birth certificates will still reflect whatever they were registered as. Those people saying the school have not acted legally are incorrect. The school are using the name they have been told to by the children's mother. It is not up to them to overrule this.

Are all of us who thinks it makes sense that the kids have their mother's name too, especially since they live with her, the ex or is it just me?

My kids had their dad's name and changed to mine when they were 18. I regret not at least double-barrelling from the start as spending all their childhood with a different surname to them was quite tricky. Especially when travelling.

Edited to add, that I was always called Mrs. Exh's surname by school staff. I never even had his name. That might be another good reason why she has tild the school to double-barrell the name.

When i changed my DD's name to double barrelled, the school asked for the deed poll certificate before they would do it. I had to get her dad's permission to get the deed poll done