Ex has changed DC’s surname at school without telling me

[zapberry]

I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.

DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.

At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.

Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.

I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.

I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.

My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.

There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.

She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.

So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.

Same. I think it’s pretty presumptuous to add the surname of her new spouse. I think it should be ok had she either reverted to her maiden name if divorced and double barrelled that, or added the surname she had when the dc were born if different from the dc dad. In essence, if she wanted the same surname as her dc, she shouldn’t have taken another man’s name to do that.

I can see why she's done it but she absolutely should have informed you at the very least. This doesn't sound like a healthy co-parenting relationship at all.

Presumably if you're also on the school app, you could change it back if you wanted to.

Yes she neds to get it changed properly by completing paperwork. Completely reasonable in the circumstances though. Kids should automatically have both parents names if they split and their mother's name if not married. It would make things a lot simpler.

It was very disrespectful of your ex to do this, She should have had a discussion with you about their wishes, or informed you at the very least. Your are still their father after all. Is there a general move to disengage you from their lives, either from her or from you?

I think the new husband has taken his wife's maiden name. Or at least that's how I read it;

my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname

Why should they have her surname? They are equally entitled to have his surname!

Why shouldn’t they have their fathers surname?

If this is the case, I’d not object. But I’m not a man.

She hasnt taken another mans name though.

Her new husband has taken her name

Ummm no. Traditionally kids had their fathers surname and a lot of women don't take their husbands surname even when they get married.

She should have spoken to you and done it properly. It'll need to be sorted before the kids go to secondary school, because it'll cause havoc with their GCSEs. A friend of mine had a son who she and her husband double-barrelled, but then they later decided to change it to just Dad's name. However, during that time he sat the 11-Plus, and the 2 names got mixed up, so he was essentially disqualified. They got it sorted in the end but it was a massive hassle. It's really not as simple as just telling the school "this is what my child is called now".

Traditionally (and historically) children have their Mother's surname. But traditionally, the mother and father would be married and the mother would have changed her name.

Of course that's not always the way these days. But traditionally it is.

If you and your ex didn't already share the same surname when your children were born - why did they get your surname in the first place? It should have always been double barelled. That's unfair towards your ex and the children IMO. Mothers are typically the ones that do the lions share of parenting and organization and it was her body that created and birthed the children. If surnames weren't going to be double barreled from the get go then they should have had hers.

Your irritation is justified that she didn't tell you about adding her surname now to their school record but that is where your irritation should end. The kids have every right to share a surname with each of their parents, not just you. So do the right thing here and get her surname legally added and updated with all their records everywhere. The kids are too young to have an opinion on this and if they want to drop one of the surnames when they are older they can.

How would you feel about making it official? Getting her surname added legally so that the children have both their parents' surnames?

Yes, she should have discussed it with you, absolutely. She probably thought you would object. Children like to have the same names as their parents. You grilling the children over which name they want won't be helpful.

Is your girlfriend right? Is this because it is about your name? If you were my friend I would be saying that your children having their Mother's surname added, not replacing yours, is a sensible option for them. She is married and didn't change her surname to his, she kept hers.

Yes, which is where the word bastard comes from. Illegitimate child to an unmarried mother, who takes her (maiden) name and thus ‘unclaimed’ or ‘unrecognised’ by the father. Taking the father’s name between unmarried couples in more recent history will have been because dads wish to claim their dc.

When I worked at a primary school we were told name changes were not allowed if the other parent had PR and had not agreed in writing to it. This applied even to just for preferred names.

Is this idea that children have the mothers surname if the parents aren’t married a regional or socio economic based trend?

The reason I ask is that I don’t think I know anyone who has done that. Literally all have the father’s name.

The vast majority are in very long term relationships. The only ones I ever come across with the mothers surname are where they split from the father before the birth.

Not necessarily in the ways you'd think.

There are always a couple of kids delighted that it's their 16th birthday and are they are now going to change it to what they want instead of what one parent did. And the occasional one with a particularly unaccommodating parent in the face of a Child Arrangements Order, where they will either apply to court to do it for GCSE or change everything on their 18th birthday instead.

Indeed.

Yes they should have contacted you. Has she ever asked you to add her surname before? I can't think why you wouldn't agree to that TBH, though she did go about it wrong. That's not a reason to refuse it.

Bit different but my daughter has a double barrelled surname, for school ive dropped exes and shes known under mine only, never been questioned or asked for permission

You can't just change a last name. Hence why my daughter was never going to be given just my husband's last name! Although to be fair, neither was I. We are all db'd.

Be the bigger person and suggest they are changed legally to be double barrelled.

You’re just inventing stuff! There are no rules or laws about what surname children have to have: only social convention. Women taking their husband’s surname when they marry is no more than a convention, and varies through cultures and through history. Ditto children.

It's not okay, and the school has acted poorly. As has your ex.

Your ex should have brought this to you first. Together you could change the surname legally. Double barrelling makes sense and you have no real grounds to object.

But going behind your back, and the school playing along, is not on.

I would complain to the headteacher in the first instance. They should have consulted you and not taken sides. Make it very clear that they need to consult you in the future.

Then have a proper adult conversation with your ex about steps to change the name legally.

All this assumes that you are not abusive, controlling, etc, which would explain the school's actions.