Ex has changed DC’s surname at school without telling me

[zapberry]

I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.

DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.

At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.

Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.

I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.

I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.

My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.

There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.

She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.

So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.

What is the “concern” about having their children go by their mother’s name as well as their father’s and what is “right” about them continuing to have only their father’s surname?

He said it himself: he would “probably” engage in a conversation about adding the mother’s name legally and “maybe” agree to it. Lots of room left to veto this very reasonable change. He wants to be in sole control of what his children’s names are.

Edited a mistake away
I forgot I was not on the Google search bar.

I think they should use the present legal name until such time as they change it legally.

Op:
There is no detriment to you in the children having her name added
There is considerable convenience and practicality for her in sharing her children’s name
There won’t be a problem with consistency etc. many people use more than one name. Countless women change their names on marriage without suddenly becoming administratively invisible or losing all thei medical records
Causing a fuss at the school will end up with the children being told they can’t use their Mum’s name which sends a strong message that men count and women don’t (why are you so invested in only wanting your surname??), or be confusing and who wants to bring a row between parents to school staff? How embarrassing.

OK, your ex would ideally have told you. How would you have reacted? (Be honest)

But leave it now.

You need to sort this out or it will cause problems for your kids further down the line.
My mother did this.
My exam results were in one name but my official government name was something else.
I got sick of explaining the situation to potential employers and ended up getting a letter from the school stating I was the person who the exam results belonged to

Your children’s mother shouldn’t have done this without discussing it with you.
I would have a conversation with her and the kids to find out what they want. If the kids want double barrelled then it should be changed officially and everywhere so as not to cause confusion.
I wouldn’t create an argument with Ex but try to explain calmly that what she did wasn’t fair and she wouldn’t have liked if you’d done similar.

My dc's went through school with double barrelled surnames but their schools were quite capable of registering them for GCSE's in their birth certificate name only. I knew to check but they'd already done it.

It’s a bit off that your ex didn’t have a conversation with you about the name change.

However having had to do this in school it will be an ‘known as’ name change so that the children are referred to by the modified surname. Their legal (original) name will remain for all official records so their sats etc will be recorded under their legal name. It often happens when a parent is absent and the child is being raised with a stepparent and the mother and child want to use the new family name. A child’s name cannot be legally changed without the consent of both parents on the birth certificate unless there is a court order.

Have a word with the school office and ask them to add a note to their records to say that any changes should be communicated to you before actioning.

OP

Forget permission, should haves, etc etc.

What is best for the children? That should be the first, last and middle of anything with children.

If the eldest asked then it makes sense for the younger one too so they have the same name.

If they travel abroad it is much easier if their passports are linked to the parent travelling with them, double barrelled does that for both of you.

That's conflating two things: manners (it would have been good manners to discuss or at least inform of the desired change) and the cultural assumption in the UK that children take the father's name. That's the patriarchal part.

But people get divorced for a reason and if the OP has been unreasonable about things in the past then that might explain why she just did it.

Someone who takes a month to realise this change has happened is not doing a lot of day to day childcare, are they?

I am pretty sure it was actually not legal of the children’s mother to do that. Records would not match either.

She and her ex-partner could discuss it and do it legally, or she could go to court.

Over 18 children can decide for themselves.

I would think adding a name is different to changing a name.

@EarringsandLipstick
Taking a man's last name and changing title upon marriage are both patriarchal traditions, as is giving a child father's last name alone.
It would be far simpler if these were avoided altogether.

My son has a double barrel name and no longer uses it other than for passports, legal stuff etc, he just uses my surname out of choice due to his dads behaviour.

He started at high school etc and it was never an issue. He’s 26 now and for over 16 years we have never had a problem with it.

this is just the reverse. They had a legal surname - and an alternative they wish to use. This is an ego talking and being upset.

Has he never thought of changing it as he can do that himself now he is an adult? My daughter is changing hers once shes 16

He’s just not that bothered about it. Day to day he uses my surname, now and again his dads gets added on or appears on paperwork. If it was a bigger deal to him he’d pay for the process but for now - he’s happy enough.

I made him aware of his options as he grew up and I’ve never pushed it one way or another.

He doesnt need to pay for it. Im not saying he should do its, its still a bit of a faff and has to be declared as a name change for some things. DBS for example.
But if it's the cost putting him off, then you can do it for free.

Oh cheers! We never really looked into it but that’s good to know.

Just google unenrolled deed poll. They apparently aren't accepted "everywhere" but weve used them for jobs, DBS checks, driving licence, bank accounts.
So nowhere has ever not accepted them. You just print one off and get it signed by 2 witnesses.

These sorts of posts are really telling as they expose the double standards on Mumsnet. If this was a woman complaining a man had changed her children’s names without her knowledge there would be outrage, but a man just has to suck it up. Most of the arguments for changing the names have some merit but it is the underhand way she has gone about it that is really wrong.

I wonder too if it is legal for the school to do this on the Mother’s say so alone.

She shouldn’t have told him, she should have asked him.

This

This really is very sensible advice op. Best of luck with it all.

If the situations were completely reversed and the man’s children wanted the name change and the mother was being unnecessarily resistant to simply granting the change while simultaneously saying she wasn’t opposed, you would get the same results. Mumsnet is nowhere near as hypocritical as this boring but oft-repeated claim makes out. It’s just that the reverse positions rarely occur.