Ex has changed DC’s surname at school without telling me

[zapberry]

I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.

DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.

At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.

Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.

I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.

I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.

My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.

There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.

She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.

So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.

That is either a very long time ago or a very bizarre school.

the vast, vast majority of schools are very used to parents and children with different surnames .

I'm not following the new husband shares her name bit.

1. He took her name when they married ?
2. They both just happened to have the same surname before they married ? (sounds unlikely but I knew a couple that did once)
3. She's taken his name and that's what they have added ?

I can see OP's point if it's option 3

If its not about double barreling and you have no objection, why not just be the bigger person and suggest the kids names are changed officially via deed poll? You'll look far more reasonable and it will surely only help your co-parenting relationship, and in turn your kids comfort?

Pick your battles OP, this one really isn't worth it.

I think it’s fine for them to be double barrelled and probably should be now, given that you’re no longer together etc. I think the process needs to start that they’re double barrelled everywhere, to avoid any confusion.

I do think your ex should’ve told you about it first though.

Our school application form asks for legal surname.

This is strange. I have a difference surname to DC due to the same reason as you and have had no issues. All the forms I have filed in I have stipulated that I am his mother, he calls me his mum and the staff refer to me as thus. No one has ever questioned anything. It’s odd that your DCs school assumed the same given that you would have filled in forms that told them otherwise? That would have concerned me as clearly they can’t read.

You already know exactly why she didn't discuss this with you

"I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed"

That one phrase says everything that needs saying about how you view yourself, your ex and everyone's place in your world.

Probably would have had a conversation? Why probably? What's the point in her asking you if there's a chance you won't even bother discussing it?

And maybe agreed? Why should you get to be the decision maker? At least she had the good grace to not remove your name. All she's done is add her own name. She wants to share some part of her surname with her children. What is the problem? There is no problem other than what you're making a problem.

Having said all that, parents cannot unilaterally change their children's surname without the other parent's consent (as long as you both have PR). And yes, I'd also be upset if this happened to me. Not about the name change but I'd be upset that my ex felt they couldn't discuss it with me and navigate it together.

The real issue for you is that you weren't consulted. Maybe you should try and work out why that's such an issue for you. And maybe have a think about why your ex didn't have the conversation with you. Understanding these things may help understand what the actual issue is.

Assuming she hasn't changed their names legally, all official records will remain as before, but they now have a 'known as' name, which isn't uncommon. If your ex had added a boyfriends name or new husband's or picked some random name, that would be different but I can see the logic in what she has done (incidentally my response would have been the same if you had made the change). I did this for DS recently - although in our case, he already had my surname and wanted to hyphenate his dad's surname which is one of his middle names (even though he's been an absent father for years). I haven't changed it legally, but on the school register etc it has the double barrelled name. The school didn't ask his dad for consent to make the change.

Your girlfriend is right. You are making a big fuss over a small thing.

The sensible thing would be to have their names formally changed. If you’re fine with that, what are you doing here making a fuss about it?

I suspect there is some ego and control issues involved here and that your ex knew that bringing this up with you would likely cause you to dig your heels in and cause drama so she decided to get the name change operational before dealing with you.

This is not 100% accurate. You don't have to 'legally change' a name - the child just becomes known as. My birth certificate surname is my Dad's but when my Mum re-married when I was 6 I just changed my name to my stepdad's and it's on all my documentation since - including passport. No deed poll or anything - I just became 'known as'. 50 years later - still the same.

The school have a legal obligation to use correct names rather than preferred ones. It is possible for them to have a preferred name to use in class such as Xander for Alexander or a student who uses a middle name.

Obviously with students who are Trans or Non-binary, this can potentially be a different name but that's actually at the discretion of the school and I suspect both parents would have to agree since the recent KCSIE Review.

I imagine the new KCSIE Review would also be in your favour. Unless your Ex's partner has Parental Responsibility for your children, he isn't supposed to be involved in Education at all. I would point out to the school that this is the legal name on their birth certificates and would also be their legal name on their passports.

Of course, if your Ex wants to wait up to two years and pay an extortionate sum to make a change by Deed Poll through the Royal Courts of Justice, then she will need you to sign your consent on the relevant paperwork... Anything else isn't a Deed Poll (and I believe it would require your consent anyway).

I suspect your Ex is hoping for name adoption... Where a name change just happens. It would probably work if she added her name before yours but as you've realised, it doesn't work for clubs etc.

DP's ex wife tried this as part of her attempt to alienate his children.
She is a nasty piece of work and I'm not saying your ex is as bad as her, but this is not ok. You can't just do that.
She changed their names to her new husband's at school and the kids were very confused about it all.

She tried to convince DP to let her change the children's names to her new married name by deed poll. She even tried speaking to me to get me on side with some contrived nonsense about "a rose by any other name..."

She knew exactly what she was doing.
Anyhoo, DP put his foot down and said no, it's up to the children when they are of age.

She is now divorced from her second husband and no longer uses that name so it would have been a stupid thing to do anyway!

Why can’t the kids have both of your surnames?

Having a different surname to your kids is not a huge headache, it is very trivial. I agreed to allow my child have my DH name, while I have my own name. None of us have ever had any issues of any kind with it in 18 years. I never ever think about it or give it any thought. It has never been an issue in any school, medical, travel or any other situation.

I should stress, I am not saying that someone should not double barrel if they wish. Of course they can. Just that it's not a problem not to share your child's name. This applies whether you are the father or the mother.

Double barrelled names? Sets my teeth on edge. Same mentality as people with private number plates.

From personal experience this will cause such a headache for your children once they’re adults. Qualifications can’t have names changed after they’ve been issued, different names for qualifications and a bank account cause an shitstrom if you study abroad. Different drivers license and passport names (ie same name but in a different order) means you can’t be registered for some things….

This is quite triggering for me as I still have 2 things to get change after almost 20 years of sorting out this shit caused by my parents. I have a fund that will mature soon and I know there going to be so much hassle claiming my own money, due to parents calling me a different name before computers started saying no to the slightest inconsistency. I have hours/days of my life I will never get back after spending them on hold before then repeating myself to yet another person that has no idea how to unfuckulate the name they have for me…

For your children’s sake - you need to ask them what they want their name to be and use only that!

There’s also safety risks with medication and school safeguarding errors that I’ve seen happen in a situation through work very recently. Each staff member did exactly what they were supposed to but there was a misidentification caused by the parents being unable to agree about surnames and giving different information separately. It was the child who suffered

This.

you have hurt feelings.

I applaud your gf. I applaud mums new husband even more for being ego less.

your children clearly want double barrel. Mum is not trying to erase you as dad. she is keeping your name. She is trying to support the children’s choices and help them feel connected by name to both of their parents.

The right thing to do is to take leadership and say ‘it’s confusing having two names. Let’s formalize this and change their names by deed poll now before secondary school’

The children’s legal name is on their birth certificates. Father has every right to be concerned by his ex’s actions and to take steps to put it right.

The children are far too young to be deciding this issue.

I changed my DDs name to ‘known as’ my surname at school. I split with her dad 2 years before she went to school. I barely saw him and had no idea whether he was going to be part of her life or not. I wasn’t married to her dad so my name was different to DDs. I didn’t want to go through her school years called Mrs His Surname, which is what happened throughout nursery.

DDs legal name is on her passport, and at Dr and dentist. So she hasn’t changed her name, she’s just a ‘known as’ for day to day use. Nothing illegal about it. No permission needed. It makes us feel more connected. When she’s older DD can choose to legally change it or not herself.

I would disagree at 8 and 6 their voices should be heard. They are too young to decide drastic things like the child arrangements or major medical things, but ‘what I want people to call me’ a four year old should be respected. My three year old has chosen whether his new nursery use his full first name
or his nick name. It’s fine to let them choose. It’s not a final thing. They can change back if they want.
but why on earth would you begrudge a mother who literally grew these children in her body from sharing a name with them.

if she had secretly just removed ops name then I’d have a (bit!) more sympathy, but all they have done is include mum too. If she hadn’t been excluded in the first place there would be no issue. The children are feeling a bit protective of mum since she’s just remarried too and probably want to assert their connection to her.l by taking her name just as they’ve seen her new husband has.

also if this went to court it would definitely be double barreled so it’s a waste of time to complain.

But who is he to decide what’s ‘right’ - we could also argue it’s wrong that children haven’t been allowed to be connected by name to their mum. Why should her new husband be allowed to take her name and not her offspring. If Mumsnet encourages this dad to make a huge fuss and march off to court he will lose. The name change will be made legal and permanent. And he will fall out with mum, and possibly his children too, and inadvertently expose them to a lot of stress. He could literally just chose to chill out and ignore this.

Personally I don't think it was up to the school to inform you. They probably assumed this was agreed especially if the children are already using it. But if anything, it's more of a "nickname" as there isn't anything legal about adding their mum's name because they will need your permission to alter the birth certificate if she wanted to add/change the name more formally.
I do think the mum should have had a conversation with you about it but maybe she went ahead anyway with fear of you objecting? Not saying it's right and it sounds like it has made it more complicated by the children being known by different names in different places!

Not even remotely.