I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.
DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.
At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.
Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.
I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.
I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.
My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.
There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.
She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.
So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.