Ex has changed DC’s surname at school without telling me

[zapberry]

I might be completely out of order here but I’ve found out my ex has changed the surname the school has for both DC and she didn’t tell me. I’m not talking about changing their actual birth certificates or anything like that, it’s what they are now listed as at school. I only found out because I picked DD up from after school club yesterday and noticed her coat label had a different surname on it.

DD is 8 and in Year 4 and DS is 6 and has just started Year 2. They have always had my surname, which is the surname they were born with and the one they’ve used everywhere. Me and their mum split up about 5 years ago. We don’t exactly get on brilliantly but I’d say we co-parent reasonably well. I see the kids regularly and there’s never been an issue with them having my name before now.

At first I thought the coat label was just wrong. Then I noticed the name on her school drawer was the same. I asked one of the staff at the club and she said they had them down under a double-barrelled surname now. I checked with the school this morning and apparently the database has been changed for both children.

Apparently they are now listed as my surname-mum’s surname, rather than just my surname. I haven’t signed anything or been asked about it. The school said their mum had contacted them and explained that the children were now known by both surnames. I’m not really angry about the double-barrel itself, which is probably the bit I need to make clear. If the kids genuinely wanted to have both names I wouldn’t be against that. It’s the fact I found out by seeing a coat label.

I spoke to my ex and she says the kids have actually been using the double barrel at her house for several months. She says DD especially likes having the same name as everyone at home because my ex has remarried and her husband has her surname. DD apparently said she wanted the same name as them. DS knows what it is but doesn’t seem anywhere near as bothered and apparently told his mum he’d rather just have his normal name. My ex says they both use the new name enough that the school needed to have the name they actually use.

I don’t want to put either of them in the middle of this or make them feel they have to pick my name over their mum’s.

My girlfriend thinks I’m getting hung up on the surname because it’s mine. She said if I’m honest about not objecting to double-barrelling then I should stop making it about me and ask the kids what they actually want. I can see her point. But there was an issue before with my ex and school forms where she filled something in without telling me, and I only found out when the school asked me about it. It was nothing major but I said at the time that we need to tell each other about things like that. She agreed at the time, so this has annoyed me more than the actual name change.

There is also a practical problem now because their medical and dental records, clubs and some other things still have just my surname. DD’s school photo order apparently had the double barrel on it but her swimming club has her old surname. DS’s football registration is still just my surname. So it’s not even simply that they have a new name and everyone gets on with it, because we now have two versions being used depending on where they are. My ex says this is exactly why she wanted the school to use the name they are known by at her house.

She keeps saying I’m making a massive issue out of a name and that I’m only bothered because it has my surname in it. I don’t think that’s fair. If she had told me beforehand and said DD wanted both names I probably would have had a conversation about it and maybe agreed. I’m not saying the children can never use her surname or that I own their names. I just think I should have been told before the school records were changed. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that.

So AIBU to think the school should have contacted me before changing the surname they have for the children, or at least told me it was happening? I’m genuinely not sure what the normal thing is here. I don’t want to turn it into a massive fight with their mum over something the children seem fairly relaxed about, but equally I don’t want to just accept being left out of decisions about them. I might be completely out of order here and need someone to tell me that.

Of course she should have discussed it with you.

Those twittering on about ‘patriarchy’ are nuts

Oh ffs, think about the kids!!

THEY want to feel part of a family. One with their mum and her husband AND their own dad.

the name isn’t any more legally changed than if they went by the names of Daffy and Pluto. It’s a known as name.

it won’t affect anything in terms of their education, their certificates or passports.

all you posters who know nothing about this kind of situation, stop trying to wind @zapberry

this name change means nothing. Not legally.

my son has his dads full name but his entire school history his known as name was my English surname.

he was still placed alphabetically as if he were his dads name, his exam certificates are all in his dads surname, his passport, driving license, but his day to day at school was in my surname.

tbh, I’m fairly sure his dad wouldn’t have Given a monkeys about it, he’d absolutely understand that his name could affect the way he’s treated.

@zapberry dont go to war on this, it’s what the kids want and you’re not being erased or lessened.

According to OP they don't get on and he seems very offended that they are unsing their mother's name in addition to his, so she probably didn't want to add fuel to the fire by making it legal.

Have you asked the school what documentation they used to change it? I would be very surprised if they just changed it on her say so

I think common sense and calm are in order, schools are busy places used to dealing with one go to parent/single parent families.
id be annoyed if my partner did this, but wouldn’t make a fuss to the school as your kids will hear about it.
i would let your ex know that in future she needs to let you know if/when any further places get notified.

so yanbu to be annoyed at your ex but wouldn’t be unreasonable to kick off at school about it.

The school have acted incorrectly. Legally children should be registered at school with their legal names, unless all parties with PR agree otherwise.

Changing names on the whim of one parent was commonplace and accepted years ago, schools are generally much better at realising their legal responsibilities now.

but as previous posters have said, it’s the know as name not the legal name in their records, so they have not acted incorrectly

They have.

Known as surnames have to be agreed with all with PR.

My kids kept their dads surname only on the register. Mine was added for everything else.
I wasn't able to get permission to change it so was easier to just change informally. Their passport is still in their dads name.

And this kind of situation is actually why school far more now follow the law more closely.

The OP would be within his rights to take the birth certificates to the school and insist the names are change back and the children are only known by the legal name.

Then their mum could go to court to request a change.

the school end up caught in the middle and having to make multiple changes.

PR applies to both parents equally. Neither a mother or father are allowed to unilaterally change their child’s surname in the school setting without the agreement of the other.

The fact some schools still do it doesn’t make it legally acceptable.

There's no such thing as a legal name under English law. These days there's more insistence on proof of identity due to the risk of identity theft, but you can call yourself whatever you like without any legal stuff.

As I said, it used to be very common to have informal name changes at school, but schools are generally much hotter on it now as they don’t want the hassle that comes with the potential arguments.

As An adult yes, you can call yourself whatever you like.

you cannot change the name of a child without the agreement of all parties with PR.

Am interested in the lack of reaction to the mother’s new husband taking her name …

Just let the kids have a double barrelled name FGS. Kids should have their mothers surname

Your ego is bruised.

She probably should have run it by you first. And hopefully you would have agreed.

My ex wouldn't even entertain the idea. So the DC changed their names as soon as they legally could (16)

There is a section on the MIS system, (all records in school) where you have legal first name, legal surname and prefered first and sir names, they have probably had these added as prefered names, it doesnt change anything legaly and you dont need a birth certificate or anything else to have this changed.

I have zero patience for parents who change their children’s names. It’s a rare scenario, but if the child goes into certain careers, even informal name changes can create problems with deep vetting.

Plus a name is part of a person’s identity. A parent changing a child’s name is just wrong. The child can make the independent choice when they are an adult and free from potential coercion.

The problem here is that you don’t want to create a battle that your children get caught up in. What the mother did was wrong. However, you can’t reverse it without involving the children. You may just have to accept that the damage has been done and move on.

It's a pretty standard request in court these days.

Surely you can't object they have the same name as the woman who gave birth to them ?

Changing names on the whim of one parent was commonplace and accepted years ago, schools are generally much better at realising their legal responsibilities now

Yes, that reminds me of when I started teaching and children would turn up on a Monday morning with a scrap of paper from their mum telling us that Lisa has changed her surname to - insert latest boyfriend's name. Occasionally it happened more than once to the same child!

It's a good thing the rules were tightened.

She should have discussed it with you, but yes you are making a huge fuss and making it all about you. Probably the very reason she didn't discuss it first because she knew you would kick off.

The kids are too young to make a name decision for themselves. Mum has double barrelled and kept your name in there. Don't be a dick. Just let it go and offer to cooperate in changing the names legally so there is consistency. Being a grown up here, and putting your ego to one side will actually gain you more respect from her and your kids, than you having a tantrum over it and losing anyway.

Yes, your ex should have discussed with you. But it's done now and you've said you don't mind, so I'd get on with changing it everywhere, legally, to avoid confusion etc which you say is the most important thing.

And, hopefully, by demonstrating how reasonable yo are on this, your ex will be reminded that actually, you are not a monster and are happy to have reasonable conversations with her about reasonable things.

the OP does say it’s not actually the name he’s annoyed about, it’s that it’s been done without any discussion with him (or even telling him).

Who says the children should have had their mother's surname or been double barrelled? It's whatever the parents decide when they register the birth. Our kids had their father's surname before we were married, my friend's had hers, there's no "should" about it.

Thank you!