I don’t know if my marriage is going through a bad patch or if this has become our normal
I’m posting here because I genuinely need outside opinions. I don’t really want to discuss this with people who know us because obviously they know and love both of us, and I don’t want people taking sides.
My husband and I have been together since 2011, so 15 years. We have a blended family and children together, and there is a lot of good in our relationship. He has been an amazing dad, including to my daughter who isn’t biologically his, and that is something I will always love and respect him for. We have been through a lot together and only recently got married.
We are very different people. I’m probably the more emotional/talkative one and he is much quieter and more reserved. Historically we could argue, have it out, make up and move on. There was a lot of passion between us and sex was a big part of our relationship.
But over time our arguments have completely changed.
Something relatively small can happen and instead of it staying about that one thing, I feel as though it becomes a judgement on me as a person — that I don’t care, I haven’t thought about him, I’ve prioritised something else, I’m always on my phone/social media etc.
I then become defensive because in my head I’m thinking, “I made a mistake/didn’t think/didn’t realise — why does that have to mean I don’t care about you?”
Then we go round and round.
He feels I don’t listen to what he is actually upset about. I feel he needs me to completely accept his version of events before an argument can end. I want him to acknowledge his part in how things escalate as well, whereas I often feel like the focus becomes what I did wrong and proving why he is right to be upset.
So neither of us feels heard.
One of the biggest differences between us now is sex.
He has openly told me that years ago our arguments could be short and fiery and then we would reconnect sexually. We had a very spontaneous sex life — sexting, pictures/videos, lingerie, heels, role play etc. He misses that version of us and misses feeling that he was a priority in that way.
I understand why he misses it. I miss parts of us too.
But I don’t work that way anymore.
If we’ve had a horrible argument, I’ve cried, I’m anxious or I feel emotionally disconnected from him, I cannot suddenly switch that off and become sexual. Sex doesn’t reset an argument for me anymore. I need the emotional issue resolved first before I want physical intimacy.
And I think this has created another cycle because he experiences the lack of sex/intimacy as further rejection or evidence that our relationship has changed, while I experience pressure around sex as something that makes me want it even less.
The more unresolved conflict there is, the less emotionally safe/connected I feel.
The less connected I feel, the less I want sex.
The less sex there is, the more rejected he feels.
Then that becomes another issue between us.
I’m also dealing with significant health problems. I’ve already had major surgery this year and I am now due to have a bowel resection on 19 October. I’ve been told to expect around 8–12 weeks of recovery.
That is probably why this is weighing on me so heavily right now.
I’m going into a major operation knowing I’m going to be physically vulnerable and dependent on other people for a while, and instead of just thinking about the operation I’m worrying about what our relationship is going to look like during those weeks.
I don’t expect a perfect husband or a relationship where we never argue. I know I have faults. I can be defensive, I can be distracted, I spend too much time working/online sometimes and I’m sure there are times when he genuinely does feel like he comes second.
But I feel like I’m living with very little room to make a mistake without it becoming something much bigger about how much I care.
Arguments can leave me anxious for hours or days. We can end up texting back and forward, repeating the same points, or barely speaking. I hate unresolved arguments, but trying desperately to resolve them seems to make us go around the same circle again.
And I’m starting to question something I never really questioned before:
Does he actually like and want me as I am now, rather than the version of me/us from years ago?
Because I can’t promise that after everything my body and life have been through I’m suddenly going to become the woman who resolves an argument by putting lingerie on and having sex. Equally, I don’t think it’s fair for me to dismiss the fact that physical intimacy clearly matters enormously to him.
I don’t want this to become “he’s awful, leave him” because that isn’t an accurate picture of our whole relationship. There is 15 years of history, love, children, friendship and genuinely good memories here.
But equally, I don’t want to keep excusing a dynamic just because we’ve been together a long time.
With this operation coming up, I think I’m frightened that taking sex largely off the table while I recover — alongside me being sore, tired, emotional and needing help — is going to magnify everything that is already wrong between us.
For anyone who has been in a long relationship, does this sound like something that can actually be worked through?
And particularly where one person needs emotional closeness to want sex, while the other seems to experience sex as one of the main ways they get that closeness — how do you get out of that loop?
I genuinely don’t know anymore whether we’re two people who love each other but have developed a terrible way of communicating, or whether I’ve reached the point where I’m trying too hard to make something work that no longer works for either of us.