I don’t know if our marriage is going through a bad patch , or is this just our new normal

[mumtobhoyandghirl]

I don’t know if my marriage is going through a bad patch or if this has become our normal
I’m posting here because I genuinely need outside opinions. I don’t really want to discuss this with people who know us because obviously they know and love both of us, and I don’t want people taking sides.
My husband and I have been together since 2011, so 15 years. We have a blended family and children together, and there is a lot of good in our relationship. He has been an amazing dad, including to my daughter who isn’t biologically his, and that is something I will always love and respect him for. We have been through a lot together and only recently got married.
We are very different people. I’m probably the more emotional/talkative one and he is much quieter and more reserved. Historically we could argue, have it out, make up and move on. There was a lot of passion between us and sex was a big part of our relationship.
But over time our arguments have completely changed.
Something relatively small can happen and instead of it staying about that one thing, I feel as though it becomes a judgement on me as a person — that I don’t care, I haven’t thought about him, I’ve prioritised something else, I’m always on my phone/social media etc.
I then become defensive because in my head I’m thinking, “I made a mistake/didn’t think/didn’t realise — why does that have to mean I don’t care about you?”
Then we go round and round.
He feels I don’t listen to what he is actually upset about. I feel he needs me to completely accept his version of events before an argument can end. I want him to acknowledge his part in how things escalate as well, whereas I often feel like the focus becomes what I did wrong and proving why he is right to be upset.
So neither of us feels heard.
One of the biggest differences between us now is sex.
He has openly told me that years ago our arguments could be short and fiery and then we would reconnect sexually. We had a very spontaneous sex life — sexting, pictures/videos, lingerie, heels, role play etc. He misses that version of us and misses feeling that he was a priority in that way.
I understand why he misses it. I miss parts of us too.
But I don’t work that way anymore.
If we’ve had a horrible argument, I’ve cried, I’m anxious or I feel emotionally disconnected from him, I cannot suddenly switch that off and become sexual. Sex doesn’t reset an argument for me anymore. I need the emotional issue resolved first before I want physical intimacy.
And I think this has created another cycle because he experiences the lack of sex/intimacy as further rejection or evidence that our relationship has changed, while I experience pressure around sex as something that makes me want it even less.
The more unresolved conflict there is, the less emotionally safe/connected I feel.
The less connected I feel, the less I want sex.
The less sex there is, the more rejected he feels.
Then that becomes another issue between us.
I’m also dealing with significant health problems. I’ve already had major surgery this year and I am now due to have a bowel resection on 19 October. I’ve been told to expect around 8–12 weeks of recovery.
That is probably why this is weighing on me so heavily right now.
I’m going into a major operation knowing I’m going to be physically vulnerable and dependent on other people for a while, and instead of just thinking about the operation I’m worrying about what our relationship is going to look like during those weeks.
I don’t expect a perfect husband or a relationship where we never argue. I know I have faults. I can be defensive, I can be distracted, I spend too much time working/online sometimes and I’m sure there are times when he genuinely does feel like he comes second.
But I feel like I’m living with very little room to make a mistake without it becoming something much bigger about how much I care.
Arguments can leave me anxious for hours or days. We can end up texting back and forward, repeating the same points, or barely speaking. I hate unresolved arguments, but trying desperately to resolve them seems to make us go around the same circle again.
And I’m starting to question something I never really questioned before:
Does he actually like and want me as I am now, rather than the version of me/us from years ago?
Because I can’t promise that after everything my body and life have been through I’m suddenly going to become the woman who resolves an argument by putting lingerie on and having sex. Equally, I don’t think it’s fair for me to dismiss the fact that physical intimacy clearly matters enormously to him.
I don’t want this to become “he’s awful, leave him” because that isn’t an accurate picture of our whole relationship. There is 15 years of history, love, children, friendship and genuinely good memories here.
But equally, I don’t want to keep excusing a dynamic just because we’ve been together a long time.
With this operation coming up, I think I’m frightened that taking sex largely off the table while I recover — alongside me being sore, tired, emotional and needing help — is going to magnify everything that is already wrong between us.
For anyone who has been in a long relationship, does this sound like something that can actually be worked through?
And particularly where one person needs emotional closeness to want sex, while the other seems to experience sex as one of the main ways they get that closeness — how do you get out of that loop?
I genuinely don’t know anymore whether we’re two people who love each other but have developed a terrible way of communicating, or whether I’ve reached the point where I’m trying too hard to make something work that no longer works for either of us.

OP, would the two of you consider couples counselling? It sounds to me like there is a good relationship underneath and your problems are mainly around communication and conflict resolution. A good counsellor should be able to give you techniques to improve these.

I second couples counselling. If he can hear from you what you’ve described here and learn to reconnect with you in other ways you should be able to come out healthier.

I feel the way your husband argues with you has changed and therefore your reaction to making up and sex has changed too, do you feel he now argues to “win” no matter if he’s hurting you emotionally? Do you feel this as you may have been unwell in the lead up to the operation that he’s started to resent you, as this is not an uncommon thing when the wife becomes unwell sadly. You are doing the right thing by not reaching out to friends right now as you want everyone to stay nesitral. However when you are sick and feeling vulnerable will you also have friends and family around to help anc emotionally support you?

I think you are at a crossroads right now and couples counselling is a good call to try and get things back on track.

To me personally it sounds like that there’s still a lot there that could improve, yes. And I definitely think relationship counselling sounds like a good idea.

I do wonder when you say that you’ve ’been through a lot’ as a couple, what he’s experienced as part of all that.

And I think you sound very afraid of what’s ahead, not at all surprisingly, and perhaps he is too. Has he had big health issues in recent years?

I was going to say the same as others. Go and see a couple’s counsellor. It sounds like there is still something worth saving.

You have articulated the issues pretty well. Clearly, given your imminent upcoming surgery you don't have the time to start counselling now. Why not set aside some time to have a discussion around your concerns. Use what you have written here, show him your post if you think it would help and listen to what he says in response. Take the smaller issues agree how to address them together, checking in regularly with each other and move forward together. Hopefully he is as concerned as you and is willing to engage and work with you.

I echo previous posters. But also - how about looking at this time ahead as a time to change your relationship? If he lives you i'm sure he'll step up and help you - in sickness and in health and all that - and maybe he'll surprise you !

I wouldn't throw any big stones in the pond at all right now as you are about to have surgery. But perhaps nearer xmas when you are feeling better address this with him. You'll have seen how helpful (or not) he has been while you are poorly.

If it wasn't for the fact that you are about to have surgery i'd have said show him this thread ! You've been considerate of his point of view here - not slagged him off.

Where there is love and trust there is always a way through 💐

I really wouldn’t show anyone a thread about them on MN, personally.

And I’d certainly consider at least saying to him that you love him and would he consider couples counselling, before the surgery.

I wonder if you are over complicating things - he’s asking for more attention - you admit you’re distracted and don’t give him enough. Would it not be easier to just put your phone down and spend some time with him? What’s making you see this as a wider issue where you can’t make a mistake?

It sounds like a pattern where he is getting less attention rather than a one-off and so it’s right he talks to you. See if you could change the cycle you’re in by reflecting on your own behaviour rather than being defensive. Maybe there are reasons you’re on your phone like anxiety about your op? These could be very valid ways of coping with stress. Ask him to show you the compassion you need at this time, as well. Very good luck with the op.

Op is he someone who is fond of people? I.e family and friends .

I say this as I think it is this quality that is important when navigating things like you are talking about. He needs to be fond of you and have compassion for you.

To be honest his need to win, then his expectations that you behave in a certain way regardless of how you feel point to someone who lacks emotional intelligence. I think long term relationships with those people are hard. They just can’t cope.

good luck op.

I agree with all of the posts about couples counselling.

One thing that really stands out for me is that it seems your arguments are because you have done something he doesnt like, and then it all gets very messy and he wont stop until you have accepted that everything is your fault. Because that does worry me and makes me wonder if this IS a communication issue or something more.

I agree with others re couples counselling. But you could also consider therapy on your own to figure things out for you (and he for himself if he’s up for it). The only way forward is to really hear each other when you talk. To me it sounds like you are really trying hard to understand him and his position, but he needs to do the same.

The most recent argument is a good example.
We were BOTH at home. He messaged me rather than speaking to me. I was in the shower and didn’t notice the message for around 30 minutes. When I eventually saw it, the issue wasn’t simply “why didn’t you reply?” It became about how years ago I would have checked our message thread constantly, how I used to send multiple messages, how I used to text him whenever we weren’t in the same room, and therefore the fact I hadn’t checked this time showed how much our relationship/my feelings had changed.
I tried explaining that I genuinely hadn’t seen the message. I also tried saying that I understood he misses how close we used to be and that I miss that too, but that one missed message shouldn’t become proof that I don’t care about him.
From there the conversation expanded into our sex life, how I used to dress, lingerie, photographs/videos I used to send, things we did sexually many years ago, how spontaneous I used to be, social media, previous arguments and other things from throughout our relationship.
That’s the pattern I’m finding impossible.
Something happens today, but we rarely stay with today’s issue. It becomes a case being built using things from months or years ago to demonstrate that I’ve changed, don’t prioritise him, don’t desire him enough or don’t care enough.
He genuinely believes that he’s explaining how he feels rather than attacking me. And I don’t want to dismiss his feelings. I completely accept that he misses parts of our old relationship, including the sexual side, attention, spontaneity and closeness. I miss parts of us too.
What I can’t seem to get him to understand is what the way these conversations happen is doing to me.
I feel as though there’s no room for me to make an ordinary mistake. If I don’t see a message, don’t initiate sex, don’t react as expected or don’t do something I once did, it can become evidence of a much bigger conclusion about me.
I then start defending myself. He responds with more examples. I get increasingly overwhelmed. Eventually I cry, leave the room or stop replying because I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. That then becomes further evidence that I’m avoiding the conversation/don’t care/am giving the silent treatment.
Nothing actually gets resolved.
Eventually things return to normal, or historically we’d reconnect sexually, and then the underlying issue sits there until something else triggers the same conversation.
Another important point is that virtually all serious communication between us happens by text. He doesn’t really talk through these things verbally. So we can literally be in the same house having a huge relationship argument by iMessage.
Social media has become another major theme in his explanation for why I’ve changed. For context, I don’t actually have personal social-media accounts and never have. I do run social media for my business, so I’m online for work and post business content. He believes social media/business has changed my priorities, appearance and behaviour and that I seek validation online. I don’t recognise myself in that description, although I’m willing to look honestly at whether my phone/work habits affect our relationship.
Sex is another huge part of it. He misses a much more sexual version of our relationship from years ago – sexting, lingerie, dressing up, role play, photos/videos, spontaneous sex etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him missing that or wanting more intimacy.
What I’m struggling with is feeling that the woman I was 10+ years ago has become the benchmark I’m continually measured against. When I say I want us to improve now, the response often becomes a list of things I used to do that I no longer do.
I’ve also been through major health changes, including cancer treatment, hysterectomy/surgical menopause and further surgery, and I’m currently getting professional help because my mental health has become extremely poor. I’m not saying those things mean I’m never responsible for my behaviour or that my husband’s needs cease to matter. They don’t.
But I don’t think we can repair our marriage if the solution is simply for me to become the person I was ten years ago.
The thing I’ve repeatedly asked him is: what are we BOTH going to do differently?
I can identify things I need to change. I can listen more, work on not becoming defensive, look at my phone/work boundaries, make intentional time for us, work on intimacy and get professional help for my mental health.
But when I ask what he could change about the way we argue, I don’t feel I get an answer. It tends to come back to what I need to change first.
That’s where I feel completely stuck.
I don’t need people to tell me he’s awful or that I’m awful. I’m genuinely interested in hearing from people who’ve been in a relationship with this kind of communication pattern.
Can couples counselling actually teach two people to break this cycle?
And perhaps more importantly: what would genuine change from both people look like?
I’m going to paste the most recent argument/communication below because I think seeing how it develops probably explains the pattern better than I can.

Text

This one is embarrassing for me and I’m ashamed to admit I felt this low

I’m sorry op but anyone who asked me randomly on text would definitely not be getting sucked off.

But more worryingly, he appears to be have very little to no sympathy or empathy for you or your health/mental health.

He’s treating you like a faulty sex appliance. If couples counselling is to work, it needs to be soon

Of course you are going to change after cancer treatment, a hysterectomy and other surgery. You have been through so much and it does not help that you are walking on egg shells around your husband. It’s very clear he has run out of sympathy for you a long time ago, get some therapy for yourself first if you can, put the life jacket on yourself first,
Is he abusive @mumtobhoyandghirl because he sounds it. I am sorry you’ve been through so much 💐

I don't have answers OP but just to say I really feel for you.

Ok OP your first post left me thinking 'couple's counselling' and your subsequent posts - especially this text - have left me thinking that you are in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship and that this is probably a large part of why you feel depressed.

I realise that it's just a snapshot of your relationship and I realise I could be wrong.

However, expecting someone to want to text you constantly and to check your messages constantly is controlling and unreasonable. It's like he doesn't expect you to have room in your head for anything or anyone but him - to be obsessed with him.

Expecting someone to be focused on dressing up sexily all the time and to be as body confident as they always were etc given that you're a human being who is naturally going to go through different phases in your relationship with your body is not great.

Finally, he is denying the validity of your feelings. He doesn't think it's ok for you to cry. He doesn't think it's ok for you to speak to your GP about mental health medication or to experience depression. It seems to me that only his emotions and his interpretation of what a good relationship and good mental health should look like are being treated as valid here. Your distress is being treated as an inconvenience getting in the way of you sucking his cock.

The thing is that contrary to a lot of people's understandings, depression can be a reaction to life circumstances. It isn't as simple as that of course, and very secure and loved and seemingly happy people can get depressed too. However, if you are living with a man who denies your reality, has unreasonable expectations and doesn't think you are allowed to feel what you feel, it isn't surprising that you feel depressed.

He’s abusive. He is the cause of your poor mental health. He is constantly picking at and harassing you until you’re tying yourself in knots to try to get him to stop and understand you. He doesn’t want to understand you though; he wants you to shut up and do as he says, take the blame, grovel to him, perform whatever sexual nonsense strikes his fancy.

Do not go to therapy with him; it will not work.

The pattern of him picking a fight/starting an argument with you in order to elicit sex was always unhealthy. Now he’s resentful that him starting a conflict doesn’t have you rushing to the bedroom to put on lingerie and appease him anymore.

I am so sorry that you’re in this situation. 💐 Focus on your health and surgery first. This isn’t fixable, but you can’t do anything about it immediately anyway.

OP this worries me. He isn’t loving the you that changes with life, he is just looking for the woman you used to be. It sounds like you have no breathing space at home and that he’s interrupting or watching you constantly. As a pp says this does seem abusive, and can affect your health.

Be reassured you are normal. Nobody has time to text their husband while at home, and nobody wants to send sexy videos when they’ve got kids and health problems.

If he isn’t abusive, he needs to be told to be caring. He should have been downstairs making dinner while you were in the shower, keeping the house calm for you. If he isn’t abusive, he would be interested in taking on suggestions.

Please tell some friends to step in and support you through your operation and recovery. You’re going to need tlc and I don’t think he’s going to provide it. Don’t let yourself be isolated, welcome people in and let them love you.

He is unrealistic about his expectation of what a healthy relationship is. Expecting you to behave like you did in the early stages is putting awful pressure on you. He really doesn't sound caring and is demanding your attention by criticising.

You are both going round in circles with this new dynamic because he really can't see that he is doing anything wrong. His needs take precedence over yours. Try therapy - there needs to be input from an outside source somehow to point out to him that his expectations don't line up with what you want any more.

Those texts he sent are cruel and demanding. I couldn’t imagine my DH sending messages like that. So living with that every day must be awful.

can you move into a separate bedroom at home? So you have your own safe space without him.