Is a 10-night lads holiday too soon with a 3-month-old?

[Daisysimply]

Hi just looking for peoples opinions on this. Interested in hearing both a female and males opinion as my partner doesn’t seem to think he’s doing anything wrong. We’ve just welcomed our second baby. Our eldest is 3 and youngest is now 3 weeks. My partner has just booked a lads holiday to the Caribbean in December for 10 nights. Baby will have only just turned 3 months old then. I can’t help but think it’s too soon for him to be going for such a length of time but he seems to think it’s fine. Wondering what other people’s opinions are? Am I overreacting?

The fact he wants to do it says it all really.....

10 nights? Of course it's not reasonable - family life; stress on you; expense. It's a very selfish thing to do.

A 10 night long haul holiday in the run up to xmas, with a 3 yr old and a new born at home. I've heard it all now. When does he get back? 24th? Expecting you to prepare a big family xmas dinner and presents all sorted under the tree? Put his stuff in bin bags and leave it on the doorstep. Arsehole. Do not even think about have any more children with this childish prick.

I would only be going then for a work trip when there is nobody else that can go. It wouldn’t be 10 nights and not for fun. This is insane. You need to get the other two married off!

If I tried this my mum would not be supportive!!

Let him go & change the locks before he gets back. Dickhead. He booked it right after you gave birth?! He can fuck right off. No decent man would ever do that.

10 nights is way too long for a lads' holiday irrespective of the age of your child. Four or five nights max is as much as I'd be happy with. Anything more doesn't leave enough time for family holidays and other domestic commitments or unforeseen emergencies where time out of his annual leave would be required. I'd be fuming. But then my DH would never even think of doing such a thing.

He's still a lad, not a man, isn't he?

All those saying op should have her two week break I agree with you but men like op partner don't "allow" partner /wife the same freedoms.
He's a self centered idiot.

This. It’s ridiculous. It’s leaving you with two tinies, the cost, the annual leave that will be so crucial for the family, the disregard and prioritisation of his mates.

And depending how laddish they all are, could there be drugs, prostitutes etc?

No it’s not OK. Tell him you’ve booked a 10 night spa break the week before to prepare yourself for looking after the kids when he’s away.

Tell him if goes you’ll have changed the locks on his return the selfish prick.

Part of me would be questioning his reasons why he was spending so much time with male friends every week and now a long Caribbean holiday. I suspect there’s another story going on

Another one asking what kind of money/leave package does he have to be able to go on this solo jaunts without significantly affecting your family budget and logistics, let alone leaving his post partum partner alone for 2 weeks with a newborn and a toddler? It is a lot of work (HIS work) that he is piling on top of you without even asking, purely for his own benefit. My guess is, however, that it won't be much more additional work for you because you already do his share, am I right? What does he do for you? What breaks do you get? Is the lack of marriage (and security) your choice, or his? Sorry to be blunt OP, but I think you need to do some solid thinking here.

I totally understand you probably want to be with your children, but think of yourself - getting out socially and having different experiences is good for your own well being. If you're not going out in the evenings, start arranging things with friends/other Mums or something like an exercise or art class. Also, arrange to to away with a friend early in the New Year for say a spa/shopping or walking weekend - if you haven't got anyone you'd want to go with, you can still have a nice time on your own. What's good enough for him, is good enough for you if you're to move forward from this holiday and him going out.

when you have children you can’t just book something without checking that your co-parent is happy to parent alone for that time period. It doesn’t matter the ages of the children (unless the children are old enough to be left alone of course!)

He’s a Twat, who is putting himself and mates before you and his young family.

Probably start planning on being a single Parent, you’ll be much more fulfilled/happy.

I hope you see sense and make him an Ex as he isn’t likely to improve any time soon. As far as he’s concerned being a parent is your default full time role and he can dip in and out at will. Men like this are completely selfish and will always put their own desires first and will never be the person you want or expect them to be.

He could have numerous affairs and father another child and his family will still cheer him on. Don’t look to them for support as you and your children will never be prioritised over him, no matter what.

This isn’t new behaviour is it? He’s been showing you who he is all along but you keep turning a blind eye. You’ve been living in a fantasy if you think he’s suddenly going to change into father of the year. It’s time to get support from your own family and start getting your ducks in a row.

What a selfish prick. He obviously doesn't care about his wife and children the way that he should, he should be ashamed of himself. He's an immature man child who wants to keep living like he's single - don't get married and have kids then! Completely unfair on the OP. I bet he'd be fuming if OP fucked off for ten days and left him with the kids, but he won't ever put himself in OP's shoes because he knows she wouldn't do that. Sexist double standards - default childcare is all on his wife because she's a woman whilst he just does what he pleases. Very sad that he is willing to be parted from his wife and kids for that length of time.

No, you’re definitely not overreacting: “I said I was not happy about it but what can I do.” You can do a lot! Make it very clear it’s crossed a red line of expectation.

I’m a mother of three. This level of disrespect and irresponsibility would be a deal-breaker for me.

I’m assuming (if not adoption etc) you’re recovering from a 9 month pregnancy and the birth of his child - and possibly bf too. It takes 6-12 months for your body to fully recover, even without complications.

He has two children to care for. A very young baby and a toddler. It’s his responsibility to care for his children. More so, when the mother is post-partum/bf. Most women are in this situation only a few times in their life, so it’s exceptional.

And he’s travelling thousands of miles away, so couldn’t be there for hours if one of you had a sudden health emergency.

And his family think that’s OK?? So that’s how he’s been brought up as a man? I have sons and think this is appalling.

I don’t say this at all lightly, but if he can’t understand any of this, nor his family, I’d be considering whether he’s worth being in a relationship with. What sort of a partner and father is he or will he be?

Make it clear he’s crossed a line of ignorance, insensitivity, disrespect and irresponsibility. If he insists on going, you have your answer. But focus on yourself and your baby and child for now, asking people who do love and care for you for help while he’s away. And then slowly start to consider/plan for your future.

Well, from the little you have described of his attitude, you'll be doing a lot of solo parenting in the years to come. As to this specific holiday, I do think it's thoughtless, at the very least. Whether you can cope isn't so much the issue for me; it's why should you have to?

Very sad that he is willing to be parted from his wife and kids for that length of time.

This is what stands out for me. My DH goes on lads’ breaks and has done so all the time we’ve been together - 3-4 days twice a year, bracketing a weekend to reduce time taken from annual leave, as leave is for family. It’s good his mental health - but he misses us from the moment he leaves, enjoys coming home and would not for a second chose to go away for longer just with mates (he often has to travel for work, sadly). He didn’t go very often at all or for more than a few days when we had under fives (def not when we had a baby!), and made sure his parents were around to help if needed. And he makes sure that I can go away if I want to, too.

It would never cross his mind to go on a holiday with non-family/me for 10 days ever. That was the stuff of single life.

So sad that these men don’t show they true colours until it is too late - and their wives/partners are trapped because they now have children.

You picked the wrong man unfortunately

What a selfish prat.

Wrong and selfish. What the hell is a lads holiday...

None of this bodes well hes living the life of a single man, no its not ok he goes away for 10 nights , tell him you are going away for 10 nights on your own and he can pay ....

I’ve read it all really. If this isn’t a gigantic flapping red flag I don’t know what is!

It’s an absolute piss take in more ways then one. What kind of man wants to spend 10 nights away from his new born baby? What kind of man thinks it’s acceptable to spend what’s likely to cost thousands when you add it all up on that type of holiday with a family and a new born? What type of man thinks it’s acceptable to leave you for that long with a 3 month old baby and another child? If it was a special occasion like a best friends stag do and a one off then maybe but sounds like he’s not really into playing his “dad” role in your family is he? He’s got one foot in and one foot out. Unfortunately, you have enabled his behaviour by staying with him knowing what he’s like and then had another baby knowing he really wants to act like a single bloke. So yes he is taking the absolute piss but because you are letting him.