Is a 10-night lads holiday too soon with a 3-month-old?

[Daisysimply]

Hi just looking for peoples opinions on this. Interested in hearing both a female and males opinion as my partner doesn’t seem to think he’s doing anything wrong. We’ve just welcomed our second baby. Our eldest is 3 and youngest is now 3 weeks. My partner has just booked a lads holiday to the Caribbean in December for 10 nights. Baby will have only just turned 3 months old then. I can’t help but think it’s too soon for him to be going for such a length of time but he seems to think it’s fine. Wondering what other people’s opinions are? Am I overreacting?

You can also go away for similar length of time each year while he has the children.

To add some context - he’s going with 2 friends who both have no partners or children, he is still trying to act like one of the lads when he’s not anymore, he has a family to support. Also this holiday has been booked since the birth of our second child (couple weeks ago), not something that has been planned far in advance. He’s asked for my permission before booking - I said I was not happy about it but what can I do. I have learnt with him that even if I was to say I don’t want him to go it would not change his opinion. He’s been away several times before before the birth of our second child, however the trips were a lot shorter (4 days max) and even then I wasn’t impressed. His family however seem to think it’s a great idea! Mine not so much!

As already stated upthread, that’s a lot of annual leave and a big expense. Why wouldn’t he prioritise time and money for a family holiday with you and the DC?
Is he young? This sounds very irresponsible

Just, no. YANBU.

It wouldn't even be a discussion in our house even if there wasn't a 3 month old baby. I imagine i would laugh manic-like at the mere mention of it and it would never be mentioned again! 10 day holidays in both of our opinion are for family holidays. Im away on friday with 2 nights with the ladies. He goes away with lads at least once or twice a year...ex army. 1-3 night breaks are for the friends stuff I think.

WTAF??

He must be using at least a third of his annual leave and spending thousands; do you get an equal trip away? If not, why not?

Utterly ridiculous to think going away for 10 nights with a baby and a 3 year old is acceptable! Even a weekend would be a push at that stage IMO.

We don't have children, and neither of us would book a ten day holiday without the other without a proper discussion, not just a 'do you mind'. Not because we're controlling, but because it'd be a lot of money and a lot of annual leave which would impact what we could do together that year. With kids in the mix it's incredibly selfish and I actually think it's an issue that he's happy to be away from them for that long. Parents deserve breaks absolutely, but I don't think many want to be away from their children for a full ten days.

@Daisysimply I'd have been one and done with this man

As usual, first post nails it

It is quite a long time quite soon.

The rest is about your general setup as a family -
is he hands on and do you regularly have time and money for yourself?

Will he support you going for a week away once you are ready to leave the baby?

Do you go for holidays together as a family

Is being selfish, self-centered, and uncaring toward his wife his worst trait, or does he have others as well? I'd like to know how he spends his normal leisure time during the week. Does he go out once or more per week with his friends, and if so, where do they go and what do they do? Do you two have group friends you hang out with, or couple friends? Or does he just have single friends and there is no co-mingling with you in his social life? In what ways do you think he's a good husband and father? Has he been this way since early dating days, or did he change after your first child was born? How long before you married did you date? Are there any ways you feel like a priority to him?

Would be valuable to know what your regular life with him is like besides this trip, for more in-depth advice.

No way. I may feel differently If it was for something like a siblings wedding, but not for a holiday. Honestly I would consider the relationship over

He's not a husband, and I think the swaggering off for ten days with no regard to his girlfriend or kids (just announcing that it's 'fine') says it all about his priorities and character.

He does go out a lot during the week, isn’t one for going out drinking etc but he’s meeting with this one friend from work several times a week. They are into buying and selling cars from Facebook so that keeps him busy a lot of his time out of work

There are huge problems in your relationship - this is a symptom, not the cause, based on your updates.

He's a dick OP, I'm sorry.

A decent man would never dream of doing this.

I’m assuming as you refer to him as my partner that you are not married ? Another assumption is that as you are on mat leave or a SAHM then the money for this holiday and for your family is all coming from him ? and if you say no, you run the chance of a rift which leaves you even more financially vulnerable than you are now ?
I could be wrong and you may have independent wealth ? I hope you do . If so I would tell him he can make a choice. His family or his mates but you won’t be living with him when he comes back.

What is your housing situation ? What is his income and yours . ? I would definitely not be putting up with this - but then again I wouldn’t of had kids with someone without the legal protection of marriage as it puts you in a very poor negotiation position whereby he can do as he pleases with only the risk of having to pay CM if you separate and even then real arseholes can avoid especially if self employed.

It's too soon, too long a trip and too expensive (money and annual leave entitlement). The fact that he booked it despite your reservations is another concern. If you're fine with him being away for 10 days I would question if you need him around at all?

No one needs a 10 day lads trip regardless of babies

Too long no matter how old the kids

There’s no way I’d be happy with my husband being away for ten days when you have two young children to juggle. That said my husband wouldn’t want to be away from us for that long and I wouldn’t want to be away from my family for that long either.
Three nights would be my personal max at the moment (daughter is three) but appreciate it’s different for everyone.
It sadly sounds like there are bigger issues here when you know your views will probably be disregarded either way.

When does he actually see his dc ?

I think you need another conversation with him to say it's totally unreasonable for him to book a 10 holiday away and leave you to care for your 2 young children alone.
If he still won't listen, you go on strike and stop doing things for him round the house. You literally look after yourself and your children.
You don't say whether you are EBF which impacts what you can do about leaving him with the children alone for a chunk of time. So you can have a break.
Totally out of order - any chance of 'loosing' his passport close to him leaving, so no time to get another one?!
You need to get hold of his CC and order a full food shop, that's easy to prepare/cook for whilst he's away. If he still insists he is going.
Slightly different, but I have 'banned' my DH from taking on extra work in December. This puts a lot of extra pressure on me to pick up the slack. He did it once, on the condition that everything was sorted for Christmas before he did his extra work. (I do sort most of Christmas anyway, so not a massive ask). He agreed and then didn't, so I said never again, as it's too stressful. He doesn't like the rule but accepts it. We have 2 primary aged children!

No man who has any respect or care for his wife would go on a 10 day holiday leaving his wife at home with two very young children, I’m guessing he’s one of those men who seldom change a nappy, never do their share of night wakings, do nothing around the house and never cook a meal. I’d be telling him he needs to cancel the holiday or your marriage is over.