Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

You would never be able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth. This is way beyond a small white lie, practically psychopathic. You need to leave and do so safely. Please speak to people in real life so you have support around you. I’m so sorry this has happened. There’s a lot for you to work through but the first thing is to extract yourself so you can do that.

So @PurplepenguinZ he’s admitted he was married and living with his wife (who he said he was separated from) for most of the 5 years but she has recently died? Firstly I’d seriously doubt she’s dead at all. He’s probably still living with her and wants to carry on the affair with you. But regardless of all that, you can never trust a word he says ever again. You need to get the hell away from him. Completely cut him out of your life. No big chats (you’ll never get answers from him because you’ll never know if he’s being truthful or not) just make a clean break and move on. It’ll be tough for a while so take care of yourself

Do you really need to be told what to do? He is a complete liar and fantasist and now wants you to join in by lying to his family that you have just met. Block him and forget him.

I'd bet his wife would be extremely suprised to learn that she keeps dying.

The thing to keep reminding yourself if you are wavering is that hes blown all trust out of the water, not to mention everything else and a relationshipcant survive that level of deception. Stay strong. He's not the person you thought he was.

It might come under coercive control.

I'm so sorry. They walk among us and we are like little trusting lambs to the slaughter.

This happened to me but I was the wife, and his other "wife" knew about our family but didn't care. It all came to a head after 20 years, so be grateful you found out now, and this didn't run on any longer.

What came out in terms of financial abuse, Misuse, and bald faced lies shocked me so much it took years to recover.

..and yes, no one could believe it because he was such a "lovely guy"!

OP have you posted about this before as there was a very similar thread a few months ago. Even down to the wife dying of cancer which wa used as an excuse to reduce contact and not introduce the poster to the man’s son as he was grieving for his mum. Lots of folk on there suggested he was married et.

I’m sorry this has happened. Ideally you will leave him without listening to him because he will spin you round in circles and you don’t owe him anything.

In terms of trying to figure out how he could do this to you? I wouldn’t bother trying to make sense of it. People can be complex and messy. Gambling addiction sometimes goes with a particular type of mindset where people tell so many lies and half truths they probably barely know which way is up themselves and it is combined with a risk taking behaviour that makes no sense at all - he will tell lies that he could easily get found out for and you won’t be able to figure it out. Trying to get you to “accidentally bump into him” with the kids is classic gambling addict behaviour - a weird complicated scenario to try and fix another weird complicated scenario. I honestly wouldn’t spend too much time trying to figure out how the person you thought you knew was doing this or who he really is. It may never make sense to you.

i’m sorry this has happened to you - it can happen to anyone so try not to let it knock your confidence. There are good people out there but take some time to let yourself recover x

He’s a dangerous fantasist.

Walk away asap. Take some time to process it and feel stupid/sad/angry. And then feel bloody happy that you’re free of him.

Talk to people about it when you can - you might feel embarrassed or weird but it will take the power out of it (secrecy / shame / covering it up are not great for getting over things) and you will help other women become more questioning.

I'm so sorry, that's so hard and your brain must be reeling trying to process it all. The important thing to remember is there is no happy ending (with him), no happy relationship is built in lies and deception.

Please tell me that you've never given this man a penny of your money? The fact you've never had an address, never been to his home, never met his family/friends in 5 years of dating, was a massive red flag.

I doubt he's suddenly just become widowed either, it's just another lie. He's told so many lies, he probably doesn't know fact from fiction. He's not the man you thought he is.

I know your world has come crashing down but your only option here is to never have any further contact with him. Block him on all platforms. Make sure you change any passwords, he may have access too. If he has a key to your home, change the locks.

You need to seek some therapy, not just because your world has been ripped to shreds but because you ignored/didn't see the glaringly obvious red flags.

At this point, you don't even know if the name he's using is even correct or a variant!! I helped a woman on MN last year (as I'm good at research, used to be part of my job) who found herself in a similar position, and I discovered the first name he'd given her was correct but not the surname.

Definitely inform the police If there has been any financial cost to you, loans, expensive gifts/purchases for him.

Even if you can write off any financial losses his behaviour might form part of a picture for a police investigation.

These characters don’t just get to middle age and start with this behaviour. Chances are that he has been doing this kind of stuff for years.

This level of deception and hurt should be a crime. He needs locked up.

Im sorry but you only have yourself to blame, i mean seriously you never went to his house, of course you knew he was married, theres nothing else to say,

The fact that he kept you isolated from his entire life should have rung alarm bells.
He sounds like the last POS I had the misfortune to meet, also from a online site. When I told him I knew the truth about him, he proceeded to tell me more lies.
OP, We ALL lie from time to time, but no one decent lies like this.

Protect yourself. You need him out of your life completely.

He's a very bad human being.

What do you think has suddenly shocked her so much now if she actually always knew?

If what he has said is true (and you will never know) he was cheating on his terminally ill wife with you. All those calls and nights away she was dying and he was betraying her and leaving her to deal with the kids and house. That’s who he is. A lying, manipulative, narcissist. Why invest anymore of your time, money and emotion into a void of selfishness who will never be a good man. He’s not safe and you will never, and should never, trust this man. Don’t meet his kids and enable his lies. Give him some home truths, tell him if he contacts you again you will tell his parents (and probably still alive wife) everything. Then block him.

This man is dangerous, he will obliterate your life. Stop all contact and immediately report him to the police each and every time he harasses you, as he will, to regain contact.

abd aggressively trying to book a weekend away? This man is desperate snd may act impulsively but it will be to your disadvantage and likely very threatening/dangerous to you. Be very very strong snd cautious

He doesn't care. Simply put, he doesn't care how he treats people or who he hurts. He won't ever care for you in the way you need and should expect, the only person to look after you is you.
Get rid, don't let him anywhere near you - he will try and spin you more lies. There's probably loads more he hasn't told you still.

Take care of yourself, give yourself some TLC. None of this is your fault, you happened to meet a bad bad one. It will get better, time does help. Hugs.

How has his wife managed to put the house proceeds in trust in the name of the children, whilst still having a living spouse.
I smell bullshit and the house was lost because he gambled it away.

Firstly, block. Any hassle from him at all, and get a restraining order if you can.

Secondly, find a way of getting your thoughts out of your head. Either a note book, a therapist, an aggressive new hobby (kick boxing?), or all three. It'll take a while to process what's happened.

Thirdly, use hindsight to inform your future choices. Him hiding away his family/kids/friends should have been a major red flag. You know that now, but make sure you remember it next time.

Fourthly, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.💐

I thought this too. I wouldn’t believe a word out of this man’s mouth. OP I assume in 5 years you have spent some time at his place? Or is there a chance he lived with his wife for any of it? I don’t normally agree with telling the woman when a man has cheated but this guy is a gambling addict and a pathological liar, he’s dangerous. It sounds like they did split up at some point but I don’t believe she died… I think that’s something you’d mention to your girlfriend at the time. And where do the kids live then? Why not with him? The “truth” is just more lies

Every word he says is a lie, including 'and' and 'the. BLOCK.