Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

Run for the hills

In your situation I would ask the police if there is anything they need to disclose to you about him using Claire’s law - a man so intent on large scale deception might be capable of causing you more harm. He is obviously a very disturbed person.

Ask Women’s aid how to end the relationship safely and be very clear with him.

How horrible for you @PurplepenguinZ 🌺

Agree with everyone else, this is a crazy situation, and brutal for you. You cannot believe a single thing he says - you will certainly not even have got to the full truth yet - and I strongly advise you not to try to.

In the kindest possible way, didn't alarm bells ring when you hadn't met his parents/been to his home in 5 years? Because (sorry) that is insane.

I would suggest cutting all contact with this man immediately and the Freedom Programme.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

As is often the case, first post nails it.

I mean, the red flags were there - not knowing where he lives and not meeting any of his family in 5 years!!!

Now you know, you need to tell him to fuck off and block him on everything!

Oh my God
So you’re not even safe

Please get away, please

He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years.

How?

I don't mean to be a dick, but I can't imagine getting 6 months into a relationship with someone, realising I'd met absolutely none of their important people, and not immediately bugging out?

I'm honestly interested in how on earth someone manages to explain that away?

How do you never see someone’s life in five years and not get suspicious?

He is currently acting completely normal on calls

Why are you even taking his calls? He is a compulsive liar, what can he still have to say to you that you would either believe or want to hear?

Any one of those things on their own should be an immediate “get out”. But all of them?!

Given it doesn’t sound like anything significant has been the truth (and who knows about the little things) you could never trust a single thing try he now says. You didn’t know it was lies before so how would you now?

Stay far, far away. No contact

What were you threatening him with the police because of?
He sounds completely crazy. Is it worth you having a conversation with police regarding this domestic abuse, which it is - he has systematically manipulated you and lied to you, putting you in a vulnerable position. It could be seen as coercive control and fraud.

I mean wtaf? I’m not even a year in yet have been to two family weddings with my boyfriend, we tag each other on social media etc it’s clear we’re in a relationship… he’s met my dad, my sister, I’ve met all his family.. I’ve met his son and ex and he’s met my children and their dad! After FIVE years you weren’t suspicious l?!

Even his cover wasn’t exactly ideal OP come on now, break up and move on.

For gods sake what a waste of 5 years

I have been through virtually the same ordeal and I just want to assure you that blame is all HIS, horrible human being with no regard for you or his other family. Don't let anyone think u r a fool-these evil bastards are so devious they are impossible to detect. I found out my fiance was involved with another lady who was also engaged. Now he has neither of us, because I told her.She and I are friends and he's out,but probably stalking next victim already. Sending you love xx

I wouldn’t believe another word that comes out of his mouth. Block him everywhere, and take very good care of yourself.

Yes this. Did it not strike you as odd OP. Surely it come as that much of a surprise because if I hadn't met family, didn't know where he lived or worked after 5 years I'd be deeply suspicious.

5 years and you didn't know?

F I V E Y E A R S ????

1,825 days !

Oh I hope you move on and fast.

Has he taken / borrowed money from you? Does he have keys to your place? Check your bank cards and statements carefully. Contact the police if anything is amiss, I don't know if Claire's law covers financial abuse or just physical but would look into that too.

I’m so sorry. I was had by a con man, it’s a crazy story (that I had published). At the moment you are in the initial shock/discovery phase and I can promise you that there will be more to come on that front. The last 5 years of your life have been a lie and this will take a long time to recover from, mentally. Obviously you need to bin him off, pronto. You will never be able to believe a word he says. Block and please get therapy to help you recover from this, remember none of this is your fault, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to feel like an idiot when this is done to you, but I promise you he’s the only idiot here. I imagine at the moment you’re remembering more and more incidents/messages or whatever from the last 5 years that were more lies, this stage goes on for a while. You will get over this but the first step is to cut him off completely.

Goodness me he makes the man I was seeing that I posted about this week look like Peter Perfect.

He is dead to you. You block. You grieve the relationship you thought you had. You go to therapy. You tell friends who keep you accountable. But you get yourself WAY clear of his spider’s web and never go near it again.

Come on op. You never knew or been to his address - that alone should have rang alarm bells

Be wise and cut contact

Stay with him and you are DEMONSTRATING how you have no self respect and no boundaries as well as showing him he is the king of you and can do what he wants.

Sorry but he thinks you are worthless to treat you this way it’s so sad op. You deserve so much more.

Please make sure you tell his wife. She needs to know.

A friend got caught out by a man like this and his loveless/sexless marriage (he actually claimed they had separated) was actually just a perfectly normal marriage with a very ‘healthy’ sex life…he was a lying cretin, spreading himself across two homes