Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

You don’t need us to tell you to delete/block/run for the hills. Any man who can appear that normal for that long while lying so convincingly is scary and potentially dangerous op. I’m sorry this happened to you, thank god you found out.

What a horrific shock. Agree he’s very dangerous. These men that can lie for years and years have serious personality disorders. Often very charming so they con people effectively.

He’s a psychopath. I bet his wife hasn’t died. If it’s recent you would be able to find a death notice. This is an interesting watch as covered by Jon Ronson in his psychopath book: www.itv.com/watch/the-other-mrs-jordan-catching-the-ultimate-conman/10a3898

OP you already know the honest brutal truth, you don’t need to hear it from us. Your relationship is built on lies and deceit. There is no coming back from that unless you want to spend the rest of your life wondering where he is whenever he leaves the house, and questioning in your mind everything he says.

My head is spinning. I’m so desperate for the truth now. And he claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) died in May. When forced on Tuesday he flashed a photo of a death certificate in front of me - her name hidden. I feel completely blindsided, betrayed and powerless I don’t even know where he lives to put him. And will the police even want to know.

I am sorry to say but you allowed yourself to be blindsided by this pathetic piece of shit. Not even knowing where your boyfriend of 5 years lives is either very naive of you or you knew deep down there was something else going on and chose to ignore it. I suggest you now take this opportunity to remove this man from your life before he becomes a danger to you. Walk away this second, never speak to him again and take a while to go to therapy and learn to love yourself before you try meet someone else going forward.

Do not agonise over the full truth; you already know as much as you need to know. The rest simply doesn't matter, drop it as you drop him. It won't change anything. Just ditch and escape and leave the mess behind you.

It doesn't sound like he's done anything actually illegal, although obviously the morality of it is off scale terrible. But you could report it to them; maybe it's useful information for them if there's other stuff happening too. Sounds entirely plausible that he could hoodwink someone in future into a sham wedding even while he's still married; that's illegal.

4 actual years and you never went to his home, knew his address, his work or presumably met anyone in his life? Did you not think that was fucking weird?

Re the police - has he taken money from you? Persuaded you to invest in anything?

If not then its unlikely they will be interested. Man lied to me for years to get his end away isnt a legal crime.

The best thing you can do is tell him you know he is a complete liar and if he ever contacts you again you will report him for harassment.

Then block him on everything and have a word with your gp about therapy waiting lists.

I am so sorry OP. 5 years is a long time to spend with someone and then have the rug pulled out. He’s not who you thought he was, but it’s going to be bloody hard work processing the massive betrayal of trust.

I doubt you will ever know the truth. The certificate could have been anything, you would not even know the real name of his “wife” to check, he may or may not have genuine children and parents. If he had any images on social media that might enable a reverse image search or clues to location. Bet he is back on dating apps already now he thinks he has been rumbled. Tbh as a middle aged, separated/divorced/widowed man living with parents due to debt and gambling addiction he is hardly the catch of the year. Did he claim to work?

I would report him to the police.

They won’t do anything but it will be there for Claire’s Law.

I would have been sceptical after three months in having not ever gone to his house or met parents. I would have then googled him, his parents, the dead wife and demanded answers.

Five years and you’ve never went to his own home or met his parents? Or the 14 year old? I can’t see how it ever got this far.

Have you ever spent Christmas with him? Surely he spent it with his family? Did that not get alarm bells ringing.

I would cut him off and threaten to tell his wife, kids and police about his deception.

Is he wanting to start a ‘new life’ with you so you can provide accommodation and pay his debts?

Oh love. You know the truth 🧡

Tell the police as a precaution.
Change locks.
Claire’s law
Women’s Aid

You need real life support. It’s better to seek this now, keep yourself safe. I know it will feel disorientating at the moment. But don’t minimise this. And for god’s sake, don’t go away with him 😊

But if he has taken money off you, persuaded you to invest, take out contracts or buy things on his behalf that is something police may follow up. He would be relying on your embarrassment not to report it.

I know this isn’t a WWYD post and the OP is using this as forum to let people know and garner sympathy but surely you don’t need the MN community to inform you what to do with this one.

Cut every tie with this slime ball and please stay safe. He sounds utterly deranged to think he can live this double (or even triple) life.

Alternatively, everyone makes mistakes, forgive and forget, the lying is probably just a phase, the poor man has gone through a lot, he had every right not to tell you every aspect of his life. Settle back down with him as he’ll change and it’ll all blow over …

Said no sane person.

You won’t get the truth. This person is a compulsive liar!

It's a real life romance scam. Contact Report Fraud. They're part of police but really supportive emotionally, and they'll be more understanding than your local basic force. They have a specific team that will check in with you if you need that support.

https://www.reportfraud.police.uk/

re Claire's law, reporting to the Police etc.

Do you even know his real name?

His car number plate might provide a link if he's given you a false name.

Re wanting the truth.

You will NEVER get the truth.

You will only get whatever story he thinks you are thick and/or desperate enough to swallow and which will get him what he wants.

You need to accept truth isnt realistic and for your own sake you need to cut him dead.

His claim is that his wife, who he was estranged from but maintaining a pretense of a marriage for the kids' sake, died and left [her house, or her half of a jointly owned property?] in a trust for the children.

Which wouldn't be an unreasonable thing to do if you were actually still living together for the sake of the children. But it seems odd to have brought it up now, along with a massive tale about gambling debts because - so what? He's looking after the kids and it's their/his&their house. Nothing change until they're at least 18.

But given he's the type of man who lived a double life for 5 years, there is no reason to think that any part of that story is true except the debt.

You have to block all forms of contact. He's been playing a game with you for 5 years, nothing more, and he won't walk away lightly from someone who has engaged like you have.

I would report to the Police, even if it's just something that they make note of. You may save another woman going through this in future if nothing else.

I've been in your shoes and found out the truth. I stupidly was deeply trauma bonded and I didn't walk away for a long time. Feel free to message me to talk it over x

Ugh, he's vile. I'm so sorry you were duped so badly. Know that none of this is your fault at all. It's all on him. In your situation, I would
-dump him.
-report to police (worth them having a record in case he tries anything stupid, or going forward, dupes someone else).
-message him one last time, tell him he's dumped and tell him to cease all contact with you (whether that is direct or indirect contact).
-change locks.
-block him.

If he tries to contact you anymore (after you have sent him that message), then you can let the police know.

I don't think you will ever know the full truth, so I wouldn't waste time trying to figure it all out. You met him in good faith, you believed what he told in good faith. You deserve better than this nonsense.

Ding dong ! I bet you couldn't believe your luck. Im sure by now he will have told you that hes going to "change". Of course he will, there's nothing at all in his life to suggest he'll keep on lying.