Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

Thanks for remembering this. I was so sure I’d read it before.

Could you look through his wallet for his ID cards or name on his credit card? Have you never seen one? Take a copy of his number plate if you haven't already. Is there anything you know for sure about him such as where he works or hobbies? Mutual friends? Does he have a WhatsApp picture and name associated in WhatsApp? Have you never travelled with him abroad then?

Download Telegram and see if he's on that. Also make sure he's added as a contact and try Facebook and LinkedIn suggested contacts.

It's possible he has a number specifically used for deception though.

That's if you want to know the truth. Tbh I don't think he'll introduce you to his sons and if he did it'd be very tightly controlled to avoid either party revealing too much.

Urgh, seriously? Ffs.

Yes I think I remember that and might have commented on it.

@PurplepenguinZ if you have children you need to just get out of this and not look back. It's not good for your children for your mental energy to be hoovered up by this vampire.

He's bad news. You know it deep down. Trust your gut and get out.

Block, delete, forget

He probably has multiple mobile phones (easy to obtain)

He probably has multiple women that he is "friends" with

He may have been on social media, but under different name & characters

You don't need to spend money on a PI, you could find out more AND help other women by reporting it to the police/Report Fraud.

I really think you need professional support rather than lots of different opinions on how much of a scumbag he is.

Of course his wife isn’t dead.

OP block on everything and move on.

And I need the truth for any closure

You could take control and give yourself closure. You are giving him all the power by needing ‘the truth’. He will never be honest with you.

You could take control thus:

You are a woman whose life and loyalty matters, and for whom trust is important. For the first, least significant lie he ever told you, he made himself non-worthy. So YOU decide that for that one lie and one lie alone you will kick him to the kerb.

The rest of it , who cares, so much nonsense, and irrelevant , because he has shown himself unworthy of your loyalty.

Say ‘actually it doesn’t matter what has or has not happened, you have lied to me and withheld information and that is a deal breaker for me, no negotiation’.

Do it OP.

You won’t get the truth, and even if you did you would always be wondering if it was actually the truth. It would be better to accept that he’s a liar, block and move on, remove yourself from his stupid games.

Has he ever said he lives in a place in Cheshire that begins with a T? This is all giving me deja vu, as somebody I know was strung along/conned by a sh1tbag she'd met on the apps. He was extremely cagey about personal details, said he was separated, was actually still with his wife all along, also lived with his mother apparently. I can't remember how she found out about the lies, it was a few years ago now, but he was sneaky af. Or maybe there just loads of these shitty, sneaky af men in Cheshire?

OP, you know enough by now to know that you should turn around, walk and never look back.

I completely understand the need to find out the ‘truth’. Unfortunately more likely than not you will never find it in its entirety; the only thing you’ll do by pursuing that is drive yourself crazy.

Cut your losses, walk anyway.

Learning more about the truth will not change anything

You already know that he lied

Many men have the opportunity & the means to travel & create multi personalities & lives

Close the door on this part of your life & move on

I mean pi wise you could do it yourself - you tell him you want to meet at a cafe to talk, rent a different car, don a wig and once he is at the cafe text him to say an emergency has come up and can you do it tomorrow instead. Then follow his car and find out where he lives.

Has he sent you any pictures of himself? Because if they look like something he might use as profile pictures online you could reverse image search them on google and see if he uses them anywhere under a different name. Or any good pics of himself you might have sent him.