Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

I bet his wife hasn’t died at all! Run as fast as you can away from this loser!

Ghost the fucker

This too. He’s told so many whoppers, why not one more?

I’d get snooping because chances are he still has a wife and she really could do with a heads up.

Then I’d text him that if he ever comes near me again I’d call the police. Screenshot that then block him on everything. Get an sti check too as a matter of priority. And check no life insurance has been taken out on you or any kind of loan on your home etc…

Id also be inclined to share the story on social media and post him on one of those “are we dating the same man” facebook group thingies to warn as many people as I could.

Can't believe you didn't get suspicious when he refused to give you his address.

As others have said this is a very dangerous man
Block him on everything and make sure you change your locks if there is even a chance of him having a key
There is no need to tell him or say a word to him just block him

So sorry OP.

What a hugely traumatic set of revelations. This is like the sort of thing you watch on Netflix - and I don't say this to make light of what you're going through; I say it because it's that batshit crazy, but I know full well that when you're entrenched in a situation, it can be very, very hard to comprehend just how mental a situation is. It's like, you know it's BAD, but it's also confusing because it's actually your life, and how can this be happening, and of course there's always the element of "but he's so great in so many ways too"!

You know there's only one way out of this, and it must end.

You will never trust him again (nor should you).
It's terrifying how some people are able to not just do the actual telling of these sorts of lies, but also do so, so shamelessly - this is not love from him to you.

This is what it is:

It's control. He's completely controlled how you see him - it's a fabricated reality; control isn't love. You need to go through a horrible process of not just grieving the loss of a relationship, but grieving the loss of a personality who never existed.

He "needs your support through this". What sort of bullshit is this! Does he not understand how his lies have blown apart your world? Or does he simply not care? Either one of these is a sickening representation of how out of touch with reality he is, and shows nothing but an astounding lack of empathy. It also reeks of one of the most damaging aspects of patriarchy: The woman must be a source of support and comfort for a man, even when it's at the expense of her own well-being.

He wants you to partake in the lying now! Utterly absurd.

You no longer owe him anything, but you owe yourself freedom from this awful fucking man.

Agree 100% with posters that suggest getting a good therapist. I'd also consider chatting to Women's Aid, they will give you really solid advice. You may have only been given a taste of the extent of his lies, given how easily he has lied, and seemingly without feeling shame or guilt.

I would probably do a Clare's law on him op

You could potentially run this by 101, just in case he has any proclivity at all to become a threat to you once you cut ties

I'm so sorry this happened to you, lock down all your finances because if he's an addict (gambling) he will see only his addiction and use whoever or whatever he can to fulfill his addiction.

I'm really sorry op, I was lied to over a period of years by my now ex and it's so bewildering and earth shattering.

He's a selfish people-user. Even IF you accept that his wife knew/didn't care that he was sleeping with someone else—and I wouldn't believe that for a second—he used you terribly by keeping you in the dark. He lied about his children and parents, and then there's the gambling debt.

Unfortunately, you've trauma-bonded to a figment of this man's imagination. That person doesn't even exist. You should do yourself a favour and block him. You'll kick yourself later on if you waste any more of your time on this shameless liar. Next time, don't let someone string you along for years without meeting some of the other people in his life, seeing where he lives, etc.

How can he go on a weekend away when he has two bereaved young children to look after full time? It’s pure manipulation of you. He’s a master at it.

Not content with being a sick psychopath himself, he wants to draw you into the web of lies by expecting you to pretend to his children that you just met. Staging a fake meeting in the park so that they don’t ever let slip to their mother and or grandparents that you have been in his life for five years.
Imagine, if you can, the way his devious brain works to even suggest that whopper of a lie. He expects you to mean nothing to yourself in order to carry that out. He expects you to belittle yourself to support his deceit towards you.
He expects you to help him to use you. He draws you further in as his victim.
That’s his normal brain pattern.
Deceive deceive deceive. Betray manipulate and use. All under the guise of being a nice man who has been hard done by.
And he wants deceit to become your normal too so that you are both guilty deceivers.
Then he’s really caught you and got you pinned down, helpless to get out.

He never had anything to offer you in the first place OP. You missed every single one of the red flags including his debt.
That’s how clever a deceiver he was.

Your brain can’t undo five years worth of what you thought was a decent relationship overnight. It takes time to work out the immensity of the betrayal and deceit you have been subjected to. So you have to give it time.

But you haven’t got time. You now owe it to yourself to act quickly to resolve never ever see him or hear his words and gestures again. Anything other than blocking him on everything would be really wrong of you and would come back to bite you, further down the line.

Seeing him, or listening to him will mean you are betraying yourself, and your chance of getting out of this mess is then severely diminished.
Your brain is crying out for explanations to make sense of it all. But you must resist all your impulses to have him explain himself.
You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense because it was all lies because he was using you, …the opposite of thinking well of you. He never loved you, only used you.

Cut him right off in every way you can think of. Get help to do it.
You are dangerously close to losing everything if you don’t cut him right off now.

Give yourself a chance OP. You didn’t deserve this. None of it was your fault.
You were his victim for five long years. Help yourself by never going near him again.

He hasnt been living with his parents. He has been living with his wife and their dc. She is not dead.

You have been the mistress. Anyone can print off a certifucate. Anyone can fake a bank statement. Did you ever meet anyone that knew him well for more thsn five years?

He has played you. Why did you threaten him with the police? Skip to the end, block, igmore, move on, ask your mates why they didnt say anything. Get a hobby. Arrange to go away at christnas/ new year. Make plans.

Or, drag the whole thing out, exhaust yoirself with emotion, and let him fuck up your life a bit more.

OP, he shouldn't be having the chance to now be acting normally on the phone. Why haven't you blocked him?
Why did you need to contact police?
I fear this is either fiction OR we are not hearing the full story,and there is worse to come.
I'd recommend: Blocking, Claires Law Request, locks changed if needed, therapy, advice from Women's Aid or similar.
Above all, stop all contact.

But what triggered the need to threaten him with the police?

My suspicion is that his wife found out he was (still) gambling, and he's either under pressure to stop and pay off his debts or she has ended their marriage because of it. He's desperate and is trying to extract money from you. You haven't lent him any money have you? I agree with all the other posters saying you should block and that he is potentially dangerous.

Obviously you block and ignore and focus on yourself and why you let yourself get in this situation. Not saying it’s your fault. You’re probably a lovely person but you do need to be a bit wiser about men.

Get him out of your life and out of your head. You sound like you’re still engaging with what he is demanding. WHY?

You need to block. I’m willing to bet that you don’t know the full story even now. It doesn’t matter why he did it, it matters that he’s scum who claimed to love you yet treat you like a disposable AI gf.

i feel sorry for his children.

Imagine if you actually continued in this shit show and lost everything you’d built for your children’s futures.

Protect them. Report him to the police.

Died my arse.

Yes he was married the whole time - and still is, to a woman who’d be very surprised to hear of her recent tragic death.

He’s no great romance scammer, OP, just a common or garden dickhead who fancied getting himself a side piece. I’m really sorry that was you.

This must all be such a shock, but the only thing to do now is to cut him out of your life as aggressively as he’s trying to remain in yours. You need to be completely ruthless, and whilst that’ll be unbelievably difficult and painful, it’s the only way.

He’s a nasty, manipulative cheat who’s been happily stringing you along without giving a single fuck about how this might impact your life and future, and he’ll already be thinking of fresh lies to explain away his actions. Don’t give him any opportunity to persuade you to stay trapped in some fantasy corner of his real life, in which he’s a married family man (don’t swallow all the ‘loveless, sexless’ bullshit) with a home, wife and kids he has zero intention of leaving.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any positives about online dating . The horror stories from friends means it’s a no no from me .

So sorry you’ve had such a shock.

What you know is you cannot trust this man.

So, your number 1 priority now should be protecting yourself and those you care about, especially given he’s mentioned financial problems.

Obviously, change all your passwords and PINs immediately. Speak to your bank about protecting your finances. Run credit checks on your name and address. If he’s so deceptive, there’s a possibility he could’ve taken out credit cards/loans in your joint names - or even in the names of your family members if he knows their names, DOBs and addresses.

Before you block him, ask for advice from the police or a domestic abuse helpline. Change the barrel in your locks (it’s usually v easy and doesn’t cost too much), tell neighbours to keep an eye etc.

If he’s stayed in your home, there’s no telling what he’s been up to while you’ve been asleep, busy or out: accessing your phone, paperwork, keys etc.

A friend’s mother was with a man for years. He cleared her out, financially. She lost her home and her business. Afterwards, she discovered he’d done it several times before, changing his name each time.

You have every right to feel grief and loss. The person you thought you knew, and loved, has effectively died, and in his place is this lying, cheating, manipulative imposter.

Please get him out of your life as fast as possible. Gamblers are disastrous - they spread misery and ruin wherever they go, and they are liars to the bone.

What an absolute bastard.

You have to go into full protection mode and cut all ties so that your kids never become involved with him or have contact.

Not meeting his family or friends for 5 years was a red flag tbh but I dare say he had many stories to cover it.

Run dont walk.
Obviously there are red flags everywhere.

End it with caution. He sounds deranged/ unhinged / potentially quite dangerous....

Ideally change up your routine or get away for a while (a wellness solo retreat might not be a bad idea.. there are several of these that are generally solo women)
Or sign up for house sitting aervices so you are away.

Any sign of anything and I would contact the police on 101 and log it.

Has his wife really died ? Or was that a lie too Sorry lm confused.