Should I go on a date despite a 20 year age gap?

[UndecidedOtter]

I (M50) do an activity with a bunch of other people once a week. I've made a few friends and there is one woman who walks in the same direction as me towards our respective homes. I've really enjoyed our chats over many weeks.

Yesterday, we stopped for coffee on the way home, not for the first time and she asked me out on what is definitely a date. I was very surprised she would find me attractive. I would be happy to continue with her as friend, but she is gorgeous, and now realise I have been suppressing the fact that there is chemistry between us. She is single with no kids, as am I.

Now we come to the issue. She is in her early 30s so there is a 20 year age gap. I am reluctant to go on a date with her, not because we don't have enough in common, but because of that difference. I'm already thinking of a future where she is 50 and I am 70. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and I'd love to go on the date otherwise and just play it by ear, but I have these doubts.

What do you think?

It’s not just gross visually, it’s gross because it’s imbalanced. It is also unbelievably selfish. Posters here will be in denial, but knowingly getting into a relationship with someone where you’re going to hold them back by aging at different rates, then age and die decades before the other. Retirement? Statistically speaking before someone pipes up about their 28 year old dead mother.

No one in their right mind would choose someone 20 years older if they thought it through, I assume people lack the ability to look into the future or are desperate, no one with an ounce of compassion should go for someone 20 years younger.

As has been stated, I think OP should start with 70 year olds.

Plus having kids 50+ is horrible for the child.

The posters saying it’s gross, selfish, unfair etc have reduced OP and the younger lady to commodities in a transaction. How romantic 😫 Leave them alone to explore their apparently mutual attraction and decide where they go from there.

Exactly 🙌

There are 11 years between my husband and I, but as we both age he is getting worried that I will look at him and see an old man, whereas men my own age look, well, my age.

I reassure him that I see and love him, but it is a real worry for him, he doesn't want me to have to look after him. I can't see that being an issue for a long time yet though, if ever, as he was up on the roof repointing the chimney the other day. He is 70!

We find it funny when he says I must remember an event or news item, and I remind him I was probably in junior school at the time and not taking notice of headlines and world events.

We get on, we just clicked, and I don't regret our relationship one bit.

Op, go for it!

I would ask myself 'would I date someone 20 years older than me'. That would give me the answer Im looking for. For myself the answer would be 'not unless v short of options'.

Even if you had an amazing connection - mentally and physically?

My relationship gap is partner 10 years older than me, however he doesn’t look or act his age (I don’t mean that in a childish sense, iykwim), so although it isn’t quite as big a gap it’s quite big. I do find though, that the older people get the less age really matters, in some cases. Yes there’s always the risk of them having to “look after” you if you become ill or something, but that could happen at any age - my health is far worse than my partner’s, he has no health conditions at all whereas I have many. I must admit I have recently started worrying about what happens if he dies before me, which I never did right back almost two decades ago when we got together. I know that sounds morbid, but I guess as you get older you start thinking about these things, even tho we could still have a couple of decades left. But, then again, anything can happen to anyone at any age 🤷🏼‍♀️

I had a long-term relationship with someone 20 years older. Perhaps I'm more 'live in the moment' but I just thought I'd rather have him in my life than not in my life and the age difference didn't/doesn't matter because of our connection. (To be fair, we're both 'big kids' anyway 😂).

I've known couples of the same age split up and couples where unfortunately one has passed away so I think of this as, 'you never know'.

I think if it makes you happy, go for it.

OP, go on the date and have fun! ❤️

I have two friends, one of whom is married to a woman 15 years younger and another who is married to a man about 20 years older.

The younger woman already had children (she was divorced) so my friend became a step parent.

The older man had a grown up family and my friend was too old to have children when she met him.

I think @UndecidedOtter when you say children didn't work out you need to know if you are infertile or your wife was, and if you would consider being a father now if that is what a younger partner wants.

It's one of those things that you won't know until you try. Just go in with an open mind and see how it goes. It would be a different story if she was 21 and you were 41. Is it likely to work out, probably not but you never know.

It's all fun and games until she's 60 and you're 80 and in poor health...

Yes i think so, even if the connection was great. So I'm in my 50s, would anything persuade me to date a man in his 70s? I don't think so. In my 20s and 30s I was often approached by men 20 years older (appreciate that isn't the case for OP). I did occasionally go out with those guys for a while only when I was very short of options of men my own age. They were a stopgap until I got a better offer. I know its not terribly inclusive to have this view, but thats my experience.

No sorry.

I don't care that you're two consenting adults - some things are unethical despite that. She is in her early 30s and personally, I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone at that stage of their lives, especially a woman. These are the last few years of her fertility, and neither of you know if she'll change her mind or not, which will result in heartbreak on both sides. It's also unwise to assume that you as an older man will be able to give her healthy children, or be able to support her and them fully.

If you are a young looking and fit looking 50 year old, then things might be fine for a few years, but longterm, the age gap between you will become even more apparent.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will not be making any long term plans as a result of a date, that's for sure.

Anyway, apparently we are going to visit a National Trust property together at the weekend and we'll see how it goes. I will report back.

Love it! Have a great time! ❤️

Enjoy yourselves 😃

Yes. I really didn’t consider it when I was 30 (but who can? It’s impossible to imagine, or be sensible about). It is a HUGE mental gap at this stage in life.

Everything changed.

I wonder if you'd say the same about a good family friend (male) who married a woman 15 years younger, when he was 50. They have now been married for over 30 years. (She already had children.)

What do you think about much older men (eg pop stars) where there is a 20-30 year age gap?

Boris and his wife Carrie have a 25 year age gap.

She doesn't seem to care.

As for age, no one knows how long they have . Most women live longer than men, so many become carers at some point. You could argue that a younger woman has more energy to care and also time to start again.

Unlike many women in their 80s who are carers for their husbands in their 80s.

Exactly! Well said 🙌

It all depends on the couple too. You can get 'young-hearted' people and people that are 'old before their time'.

Ok Folks...........

This weekend who can scout out which National Trust property this weekend, please specify morning or afternoon to find the Happy Couple!!

That’s a bit creepy 😬

We know a man (63 yo) in a relationship with a 28 year old female.

Very wise OP, try it out and see what happens. Me and H have an almost 17 year gap, although i was still in my 20s when we met. He's now in his early 50s and we have three children and one on the way! There are things to think about re.age gap further down the line but for now just enjoy the dating part, she's obviously keen on you!

The word I might use is unfeasible